Tuesday, November 20, 2012

I find myself in ridiculous situations where I need an ear, a shoulder, a heart that loves me. I look inside myself at times and worry that the eyes looking back at me are those of a monster....not the features of a lost, confused and alone soul who longs to have someone to look back at me and smile at what they see.
I miss you. I miss who you saw when you looked at me. I long to hear your laughter at my ceaseless, worried chatter. I crave your breath on my neck and your assurances that everything is okay and that at least, you, you know my heart is filled with love....bumbling and clumsy love.
I am so far from perfect and from knowing what and who I should/could be at this "adult" stage in my life, it is frightening. Rarely do people admit just how lost and unconfident/unknowledgeable they are as adults that I worry I should be somehow doing this differently....if it were possible. I am frozen as an awkward and inept youth....yet stuck in an aged and seemingly "grown-up" body.


Amber Strocel said...

It's true, we don't admit how lost we feel. But I do think we all feel it - at least some of the time.

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Anonymous said...

I think we all feel the way you describe much of the time, I know I do, some people are just better at hiding it. Be kind to yourself and listen to the little voice inside you that gives hints on new directions and ways of thinking. Talking to friends always helps when I feel like that too, helps clear my head a bit and I realize also how common it is to feel lost.

Laura said...

It's funny when I was a kid I'd think once I'm an adult I'll have it all figured out like my parents, but then once I was an adult I came to the terrifying realization that my parents never had it figured out and where just fumbling through life like every other adult in this world. Now I seem to be able to take comfort in the fact that we're all in this together just making it up as we go along.

~Shelly~ said...

Hi Jackie,

Im a new reader. Found your site via Matt Logelin. I read just about every post today from start to finish & I had loads of tears. I just simply wanted to reach out & tell you that I am thinking about you & your sweet kiddos. Life is certainly not fair & I wish the best for you. Cant imagine your pain & grief but please know you are in many peoples prayers even now!