100 things to come....

Yes, I have been away from this space for far too long. I am, as always, rushing around like a chicken after a beetle and can't seem to keep up. But life is relatively good. The kids are happy and curious. I don't have time to stew and we plug along.

I manage to find joy in silly little things and was inspired tonight when I googled "things for kids to do on a road trip" brought me from a list of car games....One click to a link on the page brought me out of curiousity to "how to survive in prison" and then on to "how to survive a high fall". Next was "The life of Viking Women" and then "100 things to be happy about".

I vaguely glanced at the list until I got to #74. "Glueing Things". Five minutes later and I am still giggling. Was this person running out of items for their list or did they truly enjoy the act of using a sticky substance to adhere to items together? Or were they running out of things for the list? I will never know but it reminded me of lists I have made in the past of things I like/dislike.

I suppose these lists were a form of identification for me as a teen. I was motivated to make these lists for the same reasons that I was motivated to do those quizzes in teen magazines. To find out who I was and to mark that identity in some way.

Now, in my mid-thirties, I feel that I have a real grasp of "who" I am most of the time, but I still like to remind myself and have moments with myself where I say, "Wow! That's true! I really dislike that texture....I suppose that is why I am not so fond of potatoes..." Agreeing with myself somehow gives me pleasure.

So for the next few days, as long as I don't forget or get swept up in the tide of all the things that must be done/fed/walked/worked, I am going to create my own list of "100 things to be happy about". I'll let you know if I discover if the writer of the first list was truly a lover of stickiness or merely a glue sniffer....

#1. Making lists.

amazing mamas

Yesterday, my kiddos and I attended the Bethlehem Walk at our local Baptist church. While I am FAR from religious, it was so historically interesting and allowed me to have a conversation with my kids about the origins of the Christmas tradition.
The kids loved 'everything' about it, although I think Liv enjoyed the small, fresh loaves of bread the best judging by her pleas to go back for more. Briar really enjoyed collecting stamps on his Bethlehem map throughout the 'marketplace'....and then hoped to look at them while laying in bed (I didn't tell him that I had thrown his muddy coat in the wash upon walking through the door not realizing that the 'map' was in his pocket. I am SO hoping he forgets before I have to explain him that the hard piece of whitish lint at the bottom of his pocket was once his beloved map.)
As we walked through the ancient town, we had been instructed to keep an eye out for a baby named Jesus. Halfway through we came upon a young couple in wonderful costumes amid the hay bales depicting a barn-like scene. "Joseph" was very believable in his performance as he greeted us with "Shalom" and brief small talk about the tax man. His poor wife, however, was struggling.
"Mary" was a very young mama who was trying to breastfeed her hot, tired and altogether annoyed little one. As an audience stared on, she attempted to calm her baby with her breast without giving these onlookers something they hadn't anticipated - a flash. She seemed to be trying to look "Mary-like" - calm, serene and with a instinctive mothering knowledge that could subdue her baby with just a soothing word and mama's milk. As a mom, I could see through her thin facade to the panic and frustration she was feeling and as I led my children to the next vendor I thought of all the things I wish I had known before having my babies.....

• Wear slip on shoes - you will always find your hands full of baby paraphernalia, car seats and bags when you suddenly realize that you should be equipped footwear as well.
• Make sure to cross your legs when you cough, sneeze or laugh really hard - I don't know that any explanation is needed here. Oh! And say 'goodbye' to your days of jumping on a trampoline.
• Do you remember those catty girls in junior high who gossiped about everyone no matter how perfect and fabulous they were? Get ready for round two. Mom's can be harsh to and about each other. Find a group who is as self-deprecated as you are and don't take the others opinions too hard. You're doing a great job - the best you can. And really, they worry about their inadequacies as a mom as much as, if not more than, you do.
• You are amazing. You created a life within your body. Yes, the skin on your stomach resembles the face of a Shar-pei - but for very good reason. You made a tiny HUMAN BEING within it!
• You wouldn't know if your baby was ugly. It's better this way. Who would want to snuggle a trash can lid? You will stare into those shiny little eyes and know that this is the most amazingly awe-inspiring little one ever to have graced this Earth with its' tiny feet and mustard coloured poop.
• When people have issue with your breastfeeding in public, stare at them and speak loudly at the person with you, "I can't believe they are eating in public! How disgusting!!" I believe breastfeeding is normal, natural and healthy. It seems that the over-sexualization of the breast in our society has done terrible things for our children's eating habits. Would you eating your lunch in a dirty, public bathroom stall? Blech.
• Everyone may have an opinion on what you do and how you do it. YOU are the expert on your children. Trust your gut as you're the one who loves them the most and have their survival and mental well-being first and foremost....and you'll presumably be the one paying the therapy bills when they hit their teens.
• Also, though you may be feel judged while others look on as your sweet, wee one pitches a holy fit atop the wood chips on the playground thus embedding thousands of tiny slivers beneath their soft skin to ensure a long and drawn out reminder of this damned humiliating venture to the local park; they most likely are just reminiscing over the fact that the only way to soothe their child's impending tantrum at the grocery store recently was to allow their kiddo to plunge a damp, chubby finger into their parent's nostril as they strolled down the aisles in the shopping cart....while all the other parents stared and thought about their most recent brush with 'CIH' (Child Inflicted Humiliation) .
• Play with them whenever you can. Even singing "Super Planet Janet" for the fifty millionth time while you secure their lifejacket before swimming at your summer cabin will go a long way to defining you as a great and attentive parent.

funny "ha ha" or funny "horrific"

Photo from Reader's Digest - laugh yourself to good health

Being a widow is a lot of things. Scary. Sad. Lonely. Guilt-ridden. But an unexpected side effect of the loss of my spouse is the humour and hilarity.
Maybe I was a funny person before. Maybe it has been in me all along. But after spending time again this year at Camp Widow, my cheeks hurt from laughing....and I didn't spend the time giggling at myself. Either death finds funny people or funny people just curse those around us.....or maybe, when life has you scraping the barrel, you begin to not take it as seriously. You realize that you can't jinx yourself with a belly laugh and no one has ever ceased breathing for joking about the ceasing of breathing.
I now find it more comfortable to be able to face the sadness and fear down and speak it out loud....and then laugh in its' face. Unfortunately, lay people sometimes seem to be either very uncomfortable with this M.O. or they seem to think that I am flippant or nonchalant about losing my beloved Jeff. I can assure you I'm not.
But a sign-in sheet at work for the staff party where it inquires whether each staff member will be bringing their spouse fills me with a desire to answer in the allotted box, "No. The seat belt won't properly hold the urn."
A man who approaches me at the bar surrounded with other widows who have attended the widowhood conference states to me that it is such a coincidence that he has the same tattoo on his forearm as I do. "Oh?!", I say, "So your husband died too and you got an anchor to signify both his job as a fisherman and his role as an 'anchor' in your life????? Wow!!!!! That IS a coincidence!" Shocked, he tells me that I am mean and rude. I just thought it was plain funny.
A woman at Camp Widow sported a shirt that said, "My husband died and all I got was this lousy t-shirt." This shirt has brought me many moments of mirth for the last week as I recalled it.
I love that we can find humour at such a deathly grave situation. We are not (as) afraid anymore. We now know that you will not be struck dead for a good chuckle.

wordless wednesday

closer....closer...CLOSER!!!

We're moving this coming Saturday. I had it all under control. This was a good thing to do. The timing was right. Life had nudged me and it was time for me to step out from my comfort zone and fly.....Right? That's what I'm supposed to do, right?
I have to admit that any and all confidence and conviction in this move and the change in lifestyle that I had has since vanished. Maybe it's cold feet....maybe it's sudden clarity.
WHY am I leaving my sister? Why am I moving into a place that costs more (although I realize this place was set to be sold in the near future)? Why am I sending my sweet Olivia to SCHOOL? Why am I working when I should be with my kids?
I have to stare straight ahead and the task at hand because if I meander at all, I begin to think of ALL the worst case scenarios and can't stop having a flip-flop feeling in my chest, crying yesterday's (often longer) mascara into Alice Cooper-like streaks down my face or freaking out at my kids about stupid, possibly psychotic, issues involving the whereabouts of my keys/a phone number/my brain.
I know we never know if what we do is the 'right' thing....but I NEED to know if this is the 'right thing'!!!!!!
I am attempting to keep a smile on by writing 'funny-only-to-me" notes on top of the boxes, "Liv's room - games, books, toy cash register,....and that really CREEPY doll". Or "Jeff's odd assortment of things that I never really understood". I mentally arrange all the rooms and our mountains of crap in the new house and attempt to convince myself that it's going to be super-fabulous!....But no amount of spit and polish can undent my thoughts and feelings of sadness and fear over leaving 'home'.
I know Jeff comes with us....but I want him to come WITH us....and I want him to tell me that I am doing the 'right thing'.

up to speed

I thought I'd attempt to quickly update what is going on in our little house.
I'm going to school to become an Organic Master Gardner. The program is WONDERFUL and I am enjoying it immensely!!! The hours are crazy and random but my sister and Marnie have been watching the kids for me so I can attend class. I have learned so much in the last couple of weeks that my head is exploding! Unfortunately, I don't feel that I am able to give it as much of my focus as I would truly like to as I have SO much else on the go.
I have been packing. I am determined to make this one of the most organized and tidy move of all time. This is because the only people who will be available to assist me in the move on the big day (May 31st) are other mamas.
Changing phone numbers, applying for education bursaries and attending job interviews have taken up any quiet moment.
I am so excited for the new place, however. I am trying to not focus on how much I'll miss 'our' home; but to experience the thrill of a new chapter. I am excited to have time return to a slightly less chaotic pace, however.
....And you know, I worried I would feel that I would be 'leaving' Jeff behind if I left this house, but I realize now that he'll come with us. Many of our memories of him are in this little house, but his heart will always remain in ours. If he's 'out there', there is no way he'd not accompany on us on this new adventure. And I think he'd be proud of us and all we are doing.

lucky me

Also posted on Widow's Voice

"Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened." ~ Dr. Suess

After Jeff died, I had this quote printed in vinyl to stick above my bed to remind me just how 'lucky' I am.
I read it in the hard moments when the kids are in bed, the phone hasn't rung in two days and my poor-me's are flowing.
It reminds me that I'm lucky. We're lucky. Everyone of us who were touched by Jeff's existence is lucky.
He wasn't 'perfect'. He was FAR from a saint. But still, thoughts and memories of him make me smile. And his ability to laugh was second to none.
I got to share his life, his laughter, his love.....And I'm lucky for it.

wordless Wednesday

tiny bubbles of bliss

The warm sun shining on the kitchen floor. A radiant rainbow glowing on the wall. The first ladybug I've seen this Spring. The chickens industriously scratching in the garden alongside me. Glorious fresh air in the kids hair. Listening to them giggle as they play in the mud in barefeet.

There are times that these things mean nothing. Times that I could pass these moments without notice. Without a glance or a grin.

But today, I felt joy. Luxurious and silly bubbles of happiness as I pondered the rainbow in the hall, walked away and returned with my camera to document this moment of bliss.

This week is not one that I will enjoy for the rest of my life. First Jeff's birthday, then the day he died only nine days after. But, strangely, and almost guiltily, I felt happiness today. It surged through me and brought peace. I felt quiet. I felt full.

So this week, as the loss of my love is felt so strongly, I may have to pull out the pictures of these pockets of pleasure and be reminded that there is still joy, wonder and love....It's just not always where I expect it to be.

scented squishiness!

Over the years of our homeschooling adventure, we've bought our toys, educational items and craft supplies from a variety of sources. One of our absolute favourites has been Natural Pod. The kids and I LOVE this online store!

Recently, Bridgitte from Natural Pod gave us a complimentary set of their newest product - Mama K's Play Clay, to try out. This natural and even gluten-free dough is filled with the scent of AMAZING essential oils:

lavender - to soothe

bergamot - for tension

sweet orange - to uplift

geranium - to balance

lemongrass - to inspire

Liv favourite was the lavender. I adored the lemongrass (if truth be told, I would have loved to create two little nostril shaped balls to hold in my nose all day long....Odd, yes, but it smells divine!!....Although the green colour may have not been very attractive for nasal embellishment!) When asked which was Briar's favourite, he declared that each one in turn was his chosen....They are just all so good!

Anyhow, we spent a good portion of the afternoon creating....First, boats with toothpick masts, a variety of food shapes and then for the piece de resistance, we created a rainbow-hued family of slugs (of which the 'directions' Liv is hoping to post on her blog - Stay tuned!)

I loved how soft the dough stayed all afternoon. My hands felt smooth, moisturized and smell STELLAR after we had retired our new favourite molding material.

Thanks so much, Bridgitte and Natural Pod, for the afternoon of heavenly scented, gastropod shaped fun!!!!

finding beauty

I found the charger for my camera. Can you tell? I don't want to spend my life as a victim.

I want to find joy and beauty in unexpected places.

I refuse to take score of all the 'bad things' that have happened in my life.

Because if you're looking for the bad things, that's all you'll see.

But if you can find the wonder and the radiance hidden within the sadness and fear, you can conquer, grow and thrive.
I don't want to just talk of that which has been done 'to me'. I want to marvel at all I have done.
I want to giggle, because screaming doesn't feel as nice.

I want to learn, because not learning would feel stagnant and boring.
I want to look from different angles and in different ways...and maybe see a different perspective.
I want to remember that the sun is always just behind the clouds.
And something strange and amazing may be just around the bend.
I want to hold those I love close.
And that which I find draining or harmful at arm's length.
I want to sit and ponder and not need to be 'entertained'.
I want to question.
And think.
And wonder.





Because life is really actually quite beautiful if you let it be.