not me tomorrow

I haven't done one of these for awhile and, oh, how I love to dissect my various idiosyncrasies and then deny that I do them! I love to laugh at myself....maybe, even more than I love to laugh at others. ;)
I've never heard the doorbell ring announcing the arrival of one of the children that I care for, launched my old-ish and stiff body that would prefer to stay horizontal into the hallway and clumsily opened the door while attempting to discreetly hide the fact that my post-breastfeeding boobs are without their harness by crossing my arms and hoping that it does not give the parent the fear that I am either some stiff authoritarian who will whip their children into shape OR a crazed, lazy layabout who doesn't care about her appearance enough to pat down the 'Alfalfa'-like hairdo or rub the sleep out of her eyes before they arrive expecting fun and wholesomeness for their children...I am always bright, chipper and well-groomed before the little 'uns get here. ALWAYS. I am not obsessed with my chickens. I do not check on them almost as many times a day as I check my email and I do NOT have an irrational belief that if we get more than three eggs a day it will be a 'good day'. Five eggs does NOT mean that it will be a fabulous day. That would be crazy....
As a fisherman's wife, there is NO way that I get seasick. The iron stomach that I have had as long as I can remember is still with me and I was not shocked recently when I didn't lose my beef dip off the side of the boat when a good friend took me fishing on his charter boat. And because I didn't ralf over the side and chum the waters for the awesome salmon we caught (although I am told that mine, though totally legal, were very small, I was so stoked!), I was not embarassed in the least. (By the way, Greg doesn't need the waters 'chummed' to catch fish....All he needs is a hook! He's a fabulous fisherman who I wholeheartedly recommend going fishing with!!) I never, ever swear in front of my children. Ever. I am a good, wholesome, oatmeal and buttermilk speaking mama. I never feel guilt about this either and then never wonder if I am to have one vice this is one of the better ones to have? And then I never wonder if I am just justifying my potty mouth.....And my children did not enjoy a few blissful years of a non-swearing mother before their prolifically cursing daddy died.

not me monday

I always mow the lawn. I have never stared at the copious amounts of brilliant yellow dandelion flowers dotting our lawn and declared that they were too beautiful to mow thus allowing me to get out of a dreaded job. Not me.

I don't ever listen to some fabulous song and imagine myself dancing fabulously in time with the music and being the object of other's jealous stare because of my girating abilities. Never.

I make sure that I don't have spider legs protruding from my bathing suit and that my armpits are always perfectly hairless before accompanying my children to the swimming pool. I don't feel the need to ensure that my lower half is always submerged thus hiding my hairiness and attempt to keep my underarms from being exposed during aquatic activities such as ball throwing or lifting children from the pool. Not ever.

I have never regretted sending my kids to their own beds and lain awake missing their warm little bodies breathing loudly forcing me to go and either retrieve them from the warm cocoons transplanting them into mine or climbing into their cozy little beds to have them nuzzle up against me in their sleep. I would never do that.

I have never forgotten a word while speaking to someone that intimidates me and instead used a word that just suddenly pops into my head as a substitute all the while hearing it slip from my lips knowing full well that it has absolutely no relevance to this conversation and then hoped that they didn't notice what a dumbass I am. NOT me!

I never, ever am such an idiot. Not me.

not me monday

I do have so much going on. I could blog about it. But I need to process some of my thoughts a tab more...Also, I was up the majority of the night with a poor, nauseated little boy who managed to vomit on every bed and couch in the house. Consequently, my brain is mush and I am elbows deep in laundry. So, instead, I am following a fabulous woman's lead and having a 'Not Me Monday".

When making cookies with my little ones and watching them like a hawk to make sure they don't scarf down the batter from the bowl, I never turn my back to them and shove a big scoop into my own mouth when they aren't looking. Not me!!!!

I never get excited for Thursdays for the simple fact that the store flyers all come in the local paper that day, especially since I am completely against all the waste, consumerism and junk that these flyers promote. Not me.

I never ignore my kid's scream of angry indignance aimed at eachother while torn between wanting it to stop and wishing they would just figure it out themselves. Not me.

I never tell Olivia that the Abba CD must be at home while hiding it under my thigh on the carseat because I can't bear to hear 'Nina Pretty Ballerina' even just 'one more time' today. Not me.

I never, ever drop trou and pee in the backyard rather than run into the house. I especially don't enjoy the thrill it gives me to have the fresh air on my large white hiney. Definitely not me.

Okay, now that my grandmother is horrified that I didn't admit that I urinate outside, I think I'll try to save a few more things that I so do NOT do for another time. What don't you do?