Sunday, November 07, 2010

I keep returning here to write something. To let you all know that things are okay and that life goes on and we are happy. They are, it does and often we are.
But I am feeling the weight lately of a realization. One I should have had two years and eight months ago.
This is FOREVER.
Not solely being without Jeff.
But taking the garbage out by myself. Half-heartedly laughing at a movie alone. Waking up with two frightened children and their nightmares. Making turkey dinner for three.
All of it. Alone. All of it on me. All of it, my responsibility.
The monotony of continuing on is exhausting. The strength needed to smile and be optimistic waning.
I am at a point where I feel like my 'get out of jail free/talk about Jeff as much as I want' card is expiring and I should allow a conversation to pass without dropping his name. But I am not ready. He is still my lover/friend/husband.
I want to write about it all. I want to talk about it. I know that so many will tell me that it is MY timetable and to do what I need to do....But I also wonder about other's patience and my sanity for remaining in the world of 'what was'.
I am so painfully lonely....and writing about it seems so terribly lame and pathetic. I have never felt this lonely. Socially, I am quite satisfied. I have great friends. A ridiculously busy life. No 'free' time.
But 'intimately', I am starving. I want to whisper in the dark to someone who will whisper back. I need to know that there is someone, who happens to have a physical body, that has genuine interest in the intricacies of my mind and my little family. To feel that when I am drowning under an ocean of mundane yet necessary tasks, that someone will help....just because. I want to be touched. I want to not be alone. I want to have the luxury of allowing fear and vulnerability in.
I want to be loved again.
....And I feel so pathetic for writing about this loneliness yet again.

(Thanks, Jen....)

19 comments:

Anonymous said...

Jackie, I don't think writing about this is lame or pathetic.

I've never met you, I don't know you, and I don't even know how I found your blog. But I check on you from time to time because I care about you. And I really do want to know how you're doing.

Victoria said...

Hello Jackie. Sorry that you're feeling so low. Loneliness is one of the hardest emotions. As you said you're so occupied, so busy, but alone. There's no suggestion to be made and nothing I could do aside from also say that I always read and listen in to you. I admire you, think you're doing amazing things and taking charge of a life that you never expected for yourself admirably. Not being able to share the every day is often the hardest, not the huge things, just the small ones. Remember to ask for support, don't ever let it get to the point where you're feeling so low that you can't. Maybe some time for you? A night out with girlfriends who really love you .... x

letterstoelias said...

I feel you. The loneliness is suffocating at times. I, for one, am thankful that you chose to share - because I, too, often feel pathetic and worry about other people 'judging' if I still write all the sorrow I still feel. But really I'm sure it's just me judging myself.

Regardless of how busy and social we are, at the end of the day there is no one to share it all with - and it's so, very hard.

Well - how's that for a pick me up! But I wanted to say that I get it, you are not pathetic, and I love you.

~C~

Brenda said...

Many times, I feel pathetic as well for writing about my widowhood, for trying to use that get out of jail free card after two years of Kev being gone. But it's not pathetic, and it sucks to have to do things alone. While I now have a companion, does it "solve" widowhood? Never. Keep walking, and keep being "pathetic" because it's beautiful.

Suddenwidow said...

Hi Jackie,

Ditto to everything that Chelsea said! I'm so glad you wrote about this because I'm feeling this too and it does feel pathetic when you feel the emotions on your own. But when we "get together", it feels a little better. Thank you. Love ya!

Poppy and Mei said...

Just so glad you're back, Jacks.
Don't care how long it takes, don't care if it takes forever.
I'm listening & as for the Jeff card?
Well, I think you're allowed a life time membership. Don't you? XXxx.

Mama_Bear_Sarah said...

i'm feeling you too. and i'm a little annoyed as well that i'm not allowed to express my feelings openly. i get "the look." after a certain amount of time i guess we're suppose to be magically all better. it pisses me off.

Boo said...

it feels like you jumped in my head and wrote down what I felt!!!! I love this post x

Jennifer said...

Thanks for posting this video. great song with great lyrics.

no blog norma said...

you say exactly how i feel...thankyou for sharing ...

Caroline said...

Jackie...you are doing so well....please know you have so many people in cyberspace who think of you often. Every time I hear the song "Chasing Cars" I think of you..1) because I LOVE that song and 2) I remember you wrote about it once....hugs...

Anonymous said...

Sweetheart.

xo,
Tanis

Cadi said...

hugs. having a dark tunnel, no light phase here, too. a year ago i was looking forward to his visit. now i look at nuri and think of what could have been...

Jenn said...

I just wish they hadn't cut the end off the song, I like the end a lot!! Hugs

darcie said...

oh peaches...I wish we lived closer.
I'd whisper to you in the dark...

I hate this for you.
Just HATE it.

thinking of you -
xoxo

Jay Cosnett said...

Jackie!

I'm about to launch a blog of my own (better late than never, eh?) and was filling out my blog roll when I went looking for yours--I'm so glad I found it!

OMG! You *nailed* it. ALL of it.

The responsibility, the aloneness of it; "starving"... "drowning"... That is EXACTLY how I feel.

And, well, Peter Gabriel has *so* much to say on this subject, I find myself turning to his songs over and over again, not because they make me feel better, necessarily, but because they capture our feelings so well.

Thank you SO much for sharing so openly and honestly. Hugs!

Tulsa County Courthouse said...

rEALLY INFORMATIVE AND HELP ME ALLOT FOR MY ARTICLE,
TNX BUDDY.

H. Richmond said...

Thank you for writing so honestly. I feel your words. The garbage, the whispers at night, and the unbearable loneliness despite having more true and loving friends than ever before. It's lonely, but you are not alone.

Talina said...

I found you blog though blogher and want to hug you.

Keep on writing mama and hang in there! For me writing was an outlet for so many lonely years.

I can't imagine what I would do in your situation and I have no advise to give but I am hear to listen and care... I think more people than you realize already are doing this for you.

It is not the same kind of togetherness as you long for, but it is something.