I find myself in ridiculous situations where I need an ear, a shoulder, a heart that loves me. I look inside myself at times and worry that the eyes looking back at me are those of a monster....not the features of a lost, confused and alone soul who longs to have someone to look back at me and smile at what they see.
I miss you. I miss who you saw when you looked at me. I long to hear your laughter at my ceaseless, worried chatter. I crave your breath on my neck and your assurances that everything is okay and that at least, you, you know my heart is filled with love....bumbling and clumsy love.
I am so far from perfect and from knowing what and who I should/could be at this "adult" stage in my life, it is frightening. Rarely do people admit just how lost and unconfident/unknowledgeable they are as adults that I worry I should be somehow doing this differently....if it were possible. I am frozen as an awkward and inept youth....yet stuck in an aged and seemingly "grown-up" body.
Koena's Funeral - for Njabulo with love
4 weeks ago