Friday, March 25, 2011

three


This morning will mark three years since I've held your warm hand. Heard your snores. Felt safe knowing I was yours.

My life doesn't stop today as it did three years ago....although I partially wish it would. There are appoinments to be attended, childcare to sort out and errands to run.

I'd like to lay in my bed and think of only you. To keen quietly and close my eyes to the empty side of our bed.

But I am terrified that by allowing myself to sink into the grief that still runs so deeply through my heart, I will fall back into that pit of loss. The dark and scary place where time does stop and all I feel is the loss of you.

So I fill my day. To the brim.

I will take the kids to the beach with our notes for you attached to helium balloons. I'll barely allow myself that hour to let the sadness sink in...I need to keep my heart up and my eyes sharp for my little ones.

When this tradition is fulfilled I will begin running again. Focusing on dinner and bathtime. Fingernail clipping and playing referee to intermittent sibling discord.

But after the night has brought quiet and our two children rest, I'll truly feel the loss of you. I'll remember that first night without you. The enormity of the loss. The confusion and unbelievability found in your death. I will cry out for you. I will hold the last dirty shirt of yours close and attempt to smell the long lost scent of you. I will wonder at the ability of others who naively went about their day unaware of this day's significance. And I will miss you as fiercely as I did that first day.

I love you, Jeffrey, with all my heart. I miss you still. And I don't think I can, or will, ever stop.

19 comments:

Danielle said...

Big hugs today and always, Jackie.

leigh in the sav said...

Ditto, Danielle. You're in my thoughts today. Sending continued strength and comfort to you.

ryanandjoesmom said...

Sending so much love to you and your kids. xo

Jen said...

Thinking of you and the kids on this day, wishing you peace.

Anonymous said...

Jackie, you are in my thoughts and prayers today.
Nan

Anonymous said...

Thanks for posting today. I have a 3-year anniversary this summer, and it helps to know others still feel the same way I do at this point after the loss.

Joanna

letterstoelias said...

Big love and hugs to you and the kids Jackie. You are always in my heart, but today especially.

~C~

AKA "Meesh" said...

Love, hope, and hugs.

mum in meltdown said...

Wow I can't even begin to imagine what today has in store for you, and nothing anyone can say will bring you the comfort that you need. I hope the day is not too tough

KRA said...

((((hugs)))) to all of you.

Kirsten

manxlass said...

I know you don't feel brave, but I think you are. You get up 'most every day, put one foot in front of the other, and make the best life you can for your kids. I'm so truly, deeply sorry for your pain but it's your right to let yourself feel it.

Jennifer said...

***hugs***
My thoughts are always with you

Janine (txmomx6) said...

You've been in my thoughts and prayers today.
Hugs from down here ....
xoxo

Poppy and Mei said...

XXxx.

darcie said...

I wish I cold make this all go away...to heal your hearts if only for a while...thinking of you guys with love...xoxoxo

Meg said...

Thinking of you today, Jackie.

Sammy said...

Thinking of you and your family, Jackie. I won't let this day go by without significance, nor any other day, of the hardship that you have to endure. Stay strong!

Victoria said...

Cyber love to you.

Dana said...

many thoughts. . .