Friday, April 01, 2011

Photo from here...
Sometimes this whole 'widow' thing gets old. Like the chorus of an unhappy song that gets stuck in your head and keeps you awake. Over and over the words repeat singing those same lines again and again. You try to not pay attention. Try to forget the words. Try to listen to a new song. But your little brain has it so deeply embedded it can't be persuaded to "hear" something else. I get tired of being a widow. I get sick of talking about it. I get annoyed with writing about it. I am over thinking about it. But still it sticks. Stuck in the groove. Firmly planted on repeat. I'd love a new reality. To have something new to think about. A new conversation that didn't ultimately, and at times embarassingly, come around to the fact that my husband is dead. I want to be over it. I am sick of it. I don't want to think about it, breathe it, speak it or feel it. It's old.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi Jackie,
Sadly, a very loving Mom I know, has lived through a very sad experience. Her son was sexually abused when he was about 4 years old. Despite her constant care and healthy choices, it happened. It broke her heart. All she could think about was that. Years later, she told me, the same sad song repeated in her head, "My poor son. He's been abused. My poor son. I have to save him from any more hurt. My poor son. I can't fail him again. My poor son. He was abused." And on and on. One day she decided that every time that same old sad song came into her head she would use it as a cue to replace the pattern of thinking by repeating, "My son is a tree. My son is a tree." The image of the tree helped her think about strength and flexibility, through all kinds of weather and growing strong and beautiful, changing through the seasons. It uplifted her, rather than constantly weighing her down. And, of course, it was healthier for her relationship with her son. She said she was shocked at how often she had to change her thoughts, at first.
Is there a phrase that feels good for your emerging self to help free you from the trenches of thought that are no longer useful to you?

Anonymous said...

I love that idea Anonymous! It's all about retraining our brain. Jackie, for so long you have been sad, rightfully so, but it's become a familiar pattern. This little exercise may create a new pattern that will become familiar. It's certainly worth a try. Sending gentle hugs, honey!

Amber said...

I have no suggestions, and I don't think that my suggestions would likely work for someone else, in any case.

But I wanted to let you know that I'm reading, and thinking of you.

RootsAndWingsCo said...

I feel the same way about being divorced. Can I have a new song too? I hope you hear a new song soon!

RootsAndWingsCo said...

Not that I was comparing death of your spouse to divorce, because I wasn't!