I'll be heading to San Diego on Friday. I've started planning. I've started packing. I have lists of things to do, get and accomplish. But all I seem to do at night is worry.
The kids will be going camping with lovely Marnie and her kiddos. I am concerned that the kids will be too much for her for such an extended period of time. I'm worried my kids will miss me and won't sleep. I'm terrified that Briar will run unnoticed into the lake, fire, or road. I'm anxious that Liv won't be able to curb her need for order and things to be 'just so' in an enviroment that won't be able to cater to these wants. I'm worried that I won't be able to relax and stay calm without hearing the sound of their soft breathing beside me in the night.
I'll be flying. I'm afraid of travelling so far from the kids. I'm worried about plane cancellations and rerouting causing me to not get to my destination, or worse, not get home to my kiddos. Although it's not very creative, I am terrified that something will happen to the plane and I will end up as decoration on a redwood thus leaving my kids as 'orphans'.
A good friend will be house sitting while we're away. We have a batch of chicks due to hatch out under Lucy. What if Freckles decides he still has a penchant for 'chicken nuggets'? What if he chews through the baby gate or the doorknob again? What if the house burns down or gets broken into and I lose all the photos and tangible reminders of Jeff?
Should I take my computer? Should I take my compact camera or my SLR? What should I pack for clothing? Will I be too hot? Should I bring my own pillow?
All of this worry makes me worry that my trip is a gratuitous use of money, time away and even, jet fuel just for ME. Maybe I should be staying home, doing childcare and sewing dresses, not spending a dime so I can save for braces and university and therapy for the kids rather than myself.
I know that most people will say that I deserve a break too. That I will benefit from the various workshops on widowhood and from being with people who get it. Hell, I would say that to someone else too...And really, rereading this, I sound like a nervous neurotic freak. I'll go, but maybe I should get some Ativan before I go?
Here's the story.
6 days ago