Saturday, July 11, 2009

seven


This morning I woke up with a seven year old in my house. I don't know how this happened. It seems such a short time ago that I was being ferried to the hospital over bumpy construction filled roads by my very concerned Jeffrey while I spouted off every obscenity I had ever heard or thought of.


I had hoped for one of those calm, serene births where everyone talks in hushed voices and between contractions, you smile lovingly at your partner....But, alas, Liv's labour and birth was so very different than I had imagined.


In it's own way, it was beautiful. It was terrifying, comical and hard. I was afraid and allowed this fear to infuse itself into labour. I fought against the pain. I writhed and pushed away from what my body needed to do. I was selfishly attempting to 'flee' from the pain, instead of breathing and allowing my body to do what was necessary to birth my baby.


But her birth was not solely the birth of a wonderful, sweet and amazing little person; it was also the birth of a mother. Right from the first moment I saw her, I felt changed - protective, warmth like I have never felt before, fear of 'wrecking' such a perfect little being and love, love that filled every molecule within me. I grew up. She needed me to grow up....to be her mommy.


As I've watched Liv grow, I imagine her as a small bud, unfolding and revealing this breath-taking being. She is spunky, wise and funny. I watch in amazement when she fearlessly stands up and belts out her feelings of injustice to whomever she feels is the culprit. Her laughter swells my heart and forms tears of joy that splash down my aching cheeks. She is so curious and so aware of everything in her vicinity. I am shocked by what she sees and impressed by what attracts her attention. Her kindness and gentleness to those smaller than her including spiders and snails fills me with pride and that hope that others will learn from her fearless devotion to justice. Her bright and joyous smile releases any fear or hesitation I possess.


There are times that we bang up against each other and that our horns 'lock' in frustration. These moments sadden me and scare me....But I am also gladdened by the thought that she is able to be herself enough with me to let her wants and needs go noticed and spoken. I am pleased that she has enough self-worth to say 'no' and mean it....No matter how frustrating that can be at times.


I feel the time that she is completely dependant on me slipping away. She is growing into a girl - not a baby needing everything to be provided for her. She is her own person and as such, has her own destiny and direction that she must follow. I do not feel that I am directly a part of my mother and it breaks my heart to know that she will bear the same feelings of seperateness towards me....even though for me, that bond will never be severed. She will always be my small child who held my hand and stared at me with wonder and joy.


I love you, my baby girl. I love you with all my heart. Until you were born, I don't think I was truly alive. And I thank you for blessing me with your presence and for sharing the beginning of your journey with me. You are truly a wonder, my sweet. I love you always....the whole pie.


Happy Birthday, Liv!!!!

9 comments:

Kathryn said...

Happy # 7 to Livia!!!!! She is such a joyous girl and so pretty!

Amber said...

Happy birthday to your girl! It's so, so bittersweet, these milestones. Much more than I ever expected or could have imagined.

darcie said...

Happy Birthday to your dear sweet daughter - you are truly blessed with her in your life.
xoxo

Dianne said...

I love the way you so completely captured what I am feeling about my daughter's developing personality: "I do not feel that I am directly a part of my mother and it breaks my heart to know that she will bear the same feelings of seperateness towards me....even though for me, that bond will never be severed." Thank you for putting into words the thoughts inside my heart.

Poppy and Mei said...

7 Liv!
How wonderful!
Hatty Dirtday to a fabulous girl that so many love & admire, always be you...XXxx

Faith said...

so beautiful...this post really makes me want to meet this little girl whom i have grown to adore in your blog...her picture always cracks me up, you can tell she is a ham!! :0)

indybarb said...

This post made me cry as it is so much the same way I feel about my girls. Good for you for being able to express how you feel about Liv so beautifully. I know she will cherish this post when she is older and perhaps a mother herself one day. Hugs to you all and I'm hoping you are having a beautiful day!

Boys Live Here! said...

Such a beautiful post and wonderful ode to both your girl, and yourself as a phenomenal mother. Happy Birthday to Liv, and happy birth memories to you!

Rach said...

Sorry I am late but HAPPY Birthday Liv. And Happy becoming a mother's day to you Jackie.
xxx