This morning I woke up with a seven year old in my house. I don't know how this happened. It seems such a short time ago that I was being ferried to the hospital over bumpy construction filled roads by my very concerned Jeffrey while I spouted off every obscenity I had ever heard or thought of.
I had hoped for one of those calm, serene births where everyone talks in hushed voices and between contractions, you smile lovingly at your partner....But, alas, Liv's labour and birth was so very different than I had imagined.
In it's own way, it was beautiful. It was terrifying, comical and hard. I was afraid and allowed this fear to infuse itself into labour. I fought against the pain. I writhed and pushed away from what my body needed to do. I was selfishly attempting to 'flee' from the pain, instead of breathing and allowing my body to do what was necessary to birth my baby.
But her birth was not solely the birth of a wonderful, sweet and amazing little person; it was also the birth of a mother. Right from the first moment I saw her, I felt changed - protective, warmth like I have never felt before, fear of 'wrecking' such a perfect little being and love, love that filled every molecule within me. I grew up. She needed me to grow up....to be her mommy.
As I've watched Liv grow, I imagine her as a small bud, unfolding and revealing this breath-taking being. She is spunky, wise and funny. I watch in amazement when she fearlessly stands up and belts out her feelings of injustice to whomever she feels is the culprit. Her laughter swells my heart and forms tears of joy that splash down my aching cheeks. She is so curious and so aware of everything in her vicinity. I am shocked by what she sees and impressed by what attracts her attention. Her kindness and gentleness to those smaller than her including spiders and snails fills me with pride and that hope that others will learn from her fearless devotion to justice. Her bright and joyous smile releases any fear or hesitation I possess.
There are times that we bang up against each other and that our horns 'lock' in frustration. These moments sadden me and scare me....But I am also gladdened by the thought that she is able to be herself enough with me to let her wants and needs go noticed and spoken. I am pleased that she has enough self-worth to say 'no' and mean it....No matter how frustrating that can be at times.
I feel the time that she is completely dependant on me slipping away. She is growing into a girl - not a baby needing everything to be provided for her. She is her own person and as such, has her own destiny and direction that she must follow. I do not feel that I am directly a part of my mother and it breaks my heart to know that she will bear the same feelings of seperateness towards me....even though for me, that bond will never be severed. She will always be my small child who held my hand and stared at me with wonder and joy.
I love you, my baby girl. I love you with all my heart. Until you were born, I don't think I was truly alive. And I thank you for blessing me with your presence and for sharing the beginning of your journey with me. You are truly a wonder, my sweet. I love you always....the whole pie.
Happy Birthday, Liv!!!!