Wednesday, January 19, 2011

I' m here. I'm having difficulty feeling "up" and creative. I feel beyond overwhelmed. I feel sad....and somewhat lost.
Liv is struggling in school. Academically she excels....Emotionally she is filled with anxiety and fear. It pains my heart. I want to help her but don't know how. She refuses any support I try to offer in the way of therapists, doctors, etc. I try myself but I am no expert in the way of childhood grief. She is angry....and it spills through our home like a oil slick.
Briar is doing well. He is loving playing L'il Duffers hockey. He's developed an avid interest in dinosaurs. He finds the sadness and stress in the house unbearable.
Life is too busy to comprehend. I am exhausted and sad.
I feel....embarassed that my path through grief has not continued in a steady and linear fashion. I feel like my musings are boring, repetative and redundant. Hence the reason I have rarely posted in the past few months......Sorry. I miss you. I miss your comments and being connected to those out there "in the darkness when I scream - someone can hear".


Anonymous said...

I hear you screaming. . . . can I join you???

I've been thinking about how much I enjoyed our get together in Feb last year, and how much I would LOVE to get together (I need a widda sista fix) and this time with the kiddos, as I could see Eibhlin falling in love with Liv - and though there is an age difference, maybe having another kid around who has suffered the same loss may be therapeutic to both of them?

But, I know how busy you are and it's not like life is slow around here either. I'm feeling overwhelmed and sad these days too. But maybe we could figure something out one of these days.

Just know I'm always thinking of you . . .

Janine (txmomx6) said...

Oh, Jackie .... please try to give yourself a bit of grace. Did someone tell you that grief is a linear path? Or is that something that we expect of ourselves? I get it. But I know, probably as well as you, that grief is nothing if not erratic and untrustworthy..
You are normal.
You are grieving.
You are grieving normally.
And you are wonderful.
And loved.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry to hear that Liv is struggling.

But I'm glad to hear from you, anyway.

And I don't think pain and grief DOES steady and linear. At least not in my experience.

val said...

Well, the holidays are stressful no matter what.

But the journey continues and the way is not clear.

I understand. And for Liv, who does not have the physical outlet her brother does? Yes. Of course.

Grief sucks. It's normal, it's healthy, it's universal, blah, blah, blah-ba-de-blah-blah-blah-da-fricking blah.

Even when you can't feel us, we're here. love, Val

Jill said...

Jackie - I'm glad you posted a quick "I'm still here." I hope so much that Liv will find more happiness and less sadness.

Mama_Bear_Sarah said...

i was thinking something very similar ...very frustated with myself that i'm stalled in any progress.

Anonymous said...

Jackie, I obviously don't know you but i do keep up with you through your blog. I cannot even imagine how you have dealt with such a loss. I do, however, know that you as a mom hurts when your kids hurt. You have a great world here in cyberspace and we all care about you. Sometimes I think you are too hard on yourself - give yourself a break once in a while. We all know you are doing the very best you can do. Hugs to you and the kiddos.

darcie said...

oh sweetie - I wish I could give you all hugs...
Keep offering Liv the support she so desperately needs - one of these days, she will click with someone and she'll be able to move forward.
I understand that might not be too easy where you are right now - but if you can - please do keep **pushing** her for lack of a better term...
And when you aren't dealing with that - How about some pics of your little hockey stud?

Poppy and Mei said...

Still here & listening...XXxx.

KRA said...

Jackie, I have no words of wisdom to offer, but I keep coming back to check in on you, always wishing you the best and thinking of you and the children. Virtual hugs from the other side of the continent, Kirsten

Jen said...

I'm sorry Liv is having a hard time. With your support, she will work through it in her own time, in her own way. That's not to say it will be easy, of course...

I'm in a similar place blogging-wise -- nothing really new, no interesting insights. But I would love to hear what thoughts and feelings you're having, even if they're repeats. I love everything you write.

indybarb said...

Hi Jackie:

I am glad you are writing and sharing your very real life with us again. I have missed your posting, and although they are sometimes difficult to write I am sure, and sometimes difficult to read, it is good to hear you just being real. So sorry you are feeling so down and alone.....I hate those days too.....grief is a long drawn out road and some days are better than others, but it is a journey that there is just no way around and you have to just keep on plodding through. Eventually, some day, it will feel a little easier.

Lynn said...

I'm so sorry to hear times have been rough. Hope things turn around soon.

CaitrĂ­n said...

Mom's have to know when to push. Liv might not want therapy, but she may need to have therapy. You are her mom, if you think she may benefit from therapy, then take her to therapy. I think it would be a beneficial activity for anyone who is grieving. Also, maybe get her involved in some athletic outlet, if she is not in a sport already. Exercise releases endorphins, right :-)

Crash Course Widow said...

You know, you always expect that the first year of widowhood will be the worst. And in many ways it is, and it's the hardest…but then you hit the second year, and you hear how the second year can be harder or worse than the first. So it goes with the third year.

I expected the first year to be shit and hard, and it was. I thought I just had to make it past the first year and things would be okay. Yet when the second year hit, I started falling apart. What the hell was the matter with me? I wondered at the time. And then I moved, and dated a friend for 6 months, and thought the worst was all behind me…and then I fell apart even more, about 2 months after the 2nd death anniversary, and I didn't even know to understand it was, after all, still grief.

So that I hit my absolute bottom and felt my absolute worst and most depressed, hopeless, and shattered at nearly 2 1/2 fucking years out? It was an unwelcome, unpleasant wakeup call. Starting my blog about 2 yrs and 9 months out eventually helped me heal immensely, mostly because it connected me back to other widows and widowers my age and because I learned, finally, that grief keeps going in many underground, debilitating, unknowable ways for a very long time.

It doesn't really surprise me that you've been struggling again lately, because I know I did around the same timeframe. I'm so sorry to hear you are, but I understand how and why. I always felt much more beaten down and unable to cope with things farther out, than I ever was earlier on when I had the prewidow habits and emotions to still fall back on habitually. Later, all I had to fall back on was more grief.

Thinking of you, and of Liv as she struggles, and wishing you all the love, strength, and peace you can find. Hugs, my friend.

Abby Carter said...

Ugh. I so hear you. The anxiety thing in "grief" kids is so damned hard. My youngest struggled with anxiety in such a big way. I had to fight to get him to a therapist and he got on meds for a while and it changed our lives. He got to feel what it felt like to feel "normal" if just for a while. I beat myself up over the meds for a bit, but seeing how all our lives changed so much, it was worth the risk and in the end it was only for a while.

Now, there is no way I can get him to go to a therapist, though there is one at school who is tuned into him. I am hopeful.

A couple of things that helped as well:

1. writing out a list of numbers he could call in case anything should happen to me. It was a huge piece of his anxiety

2. Homework usually brings the tears. Do a problem then make them 20 sit ups then do another problem and repeat.

3. wrestle/tickle times on the bed. A huge stress reliever for everyone.

4. A cell phone. I know they may seem really young but its a huge stress reliever for grieving kids.

5. Possibly finding a kids grief group. Not always easy, particularly in small communities

6. Instead of her seeing a therapist, see one yourself on her behalf. Often the therapist can give you tips and tricks to use on your child.

7. A long shot, but maybe get her a journal to write her thoughts down. Mine would never do it, but maybe yours might. It could even be for just collaging, or drawing. Nothing like a little art therapy.

I wish I could say it wasn't always going to be a tough slog, but it often is. It gets easier as we as parents get stronger.

You are doing a great job, trust me. A super-human effort is never easy. Stay firm and keep consistent.

Hugs to you my friend.

Victoria said...

Gosh, I am listening but have to be honest and have no real advice, but plenty of empathy.

Even when you aren't talking, I'm still stopping by.