I find myself in ridiculous situations where I need an ear, a shoulder, a heart that loves me. I look inside myself at times and worry that the eyes looking back at me are those of a monster....not the features of a lost, confused and alone soul who longs to have someone to look back at me and smile at what they see.
I miss you. I miss who you saw when you looked at me. I long to hear your laughter at my ceaseless, worried chatter. I crave your breath on my neck and your assurances that everything is okay and that at least, you, you know my heart is filled with love....bumbling and clumsy love.
I am so far from perfect and from knowing what and who I should/could be at this "adult" stage in my life, it is frightening. Rarely do people admit just how lost and unconfident/unknowledgeable they are as adults that I worry I should be somehow doing this differently....if it were possible. I am frozen as an awkward and inept youth....yet stuck in an aged and seemingly "grown-up" body.

my spunky little Bean turns TEN!

Liv turned 10 a couple of weeks ago. 10. Ten. TEN!
Ten seems so bloody much older than nine. Is it the double digits? Is it that she has grown 2.5 cm in two months? Is it that she seems to be losing all her teeth all at once? Is it that she refers to items, incidents and experiences as "epic" and "oh. wow." (the latter seems to be used as a negative expression while "epic" is used to express that fabulousness of something).
She is beginning to understand how to get something to go "her" way by using positive means rather than yelling, pouting or whining.....But for old time sake, she pulls them out so I don't have a chance to reminisce very often.
She is still as smiley and loving as always; she remains a kid who loves to curl up on my lap or will smile broadly and run into my arms when I pick her up from school. I love our cuddles. I adore the smell of her warm hair pressed against my chin as she rests. I love that she still wants to be held.
Unfortunately, this year she has truly struggled with anxiety and its' effects. She seems to be making headway and we certainly have been working hard on trying to react with logic and less emotion....but her fears still sometimes cause her to react with instinct...
Her long, scrawny legs and caramel colour hair hint at what she'll look like in a few years. It gives me pause to notice that her chubby little cheeks and round little belly are melting away into some larger, more mature looking kid.
Liv still loves to wear her own style. She'll wear an outfit until it is worn out or is replaced by a new, more desired item of clothing. She is beginning to wear my shirts and sweaters....they're huge on her, but she wears them as tunics or dresses.
More and more, Liv can keep up with me when I take go for a walk or run across the yard. She is coordinated like I have never been. She wants to take Irish Dancing again and archery and piano and.....She has so many interests and abilities. And she astonishes me with the ease in which she picks them up when she  is enjoying herself.
So now, as I stare at her sleep (not in a creepy way, I promise) I think of the amazing kid she is and has been and the strong, capable, creative, spunky woman she will one be....It's a bittersweet realization to know that every birthday, every accomplishment, every giggle, every breath brings us closer to a day when she will fly away from me on her ruby coloured wings....And I will be without the constant love from my "Bean".

I love you, Beaner. Always and the whole pie.

nights like these

I hate these nights. Lack of sleep. Worry. Sadness. No one to talk to. Reflection on all I have done wrong or could have done better. Self-character annihilation.

I worry about dear friends and how they are....Where they are. And what I could do or have done to improve or hinder their well being. I turn these thoughts over and over in my mind like a beach comber inspecting a stone. The thoughts make me sick and sad. I want to turn back time and notice what I didn't before...I want to change my selfish or thoughtless ways. I want to declare how important their friendship and love is to me.

I lay in bed and turn the light on...and then off. And then on again...Somehow imagining that my hearing becomes increased with the increase in light...Listening for a bear to return to claim another hen...And then feeling guilty that the bear has been set up for failure by having livestock on the edge of a forest. It is doing what it does naturally...find food. So I lay in bed inspecting a electric fence manual hoping that I can install it without injuring myself or others and that some of the sadness I feel for the bear will be assuaged by the erecting of this deterrence.

I toss and turn replaying our "Father's Day". Although we talked of Jeff a lot and missed him palpably, fixing fencing and coops, visiting my own dad and generally getting through the day took precedence. I don't feel that I honoured his memory or his love for the kids or their love for him. Liv missed her dad and all he represented visibly. Briar was much more oblivious as he had spent the day with my mom and her friend. But my heart aches for both of them tonight as I think of all I should have done and have done in the past to allow them to demonstrate their love or loss. It's times like this that I wonder how Jeff would do it differently had I been the one who died. And it's nights like this that I recall his joy in his daughter's spunky intelligence and his pride in his son's thought-filled actions. I still miss him terribly four years later. I still wish he were here to whisper to in the night about all these fears, guilty and melancholy thoughts. It's his hands that I long to hold and his arms that my body misses around its' waist.

I know that lack of sleep adds fuel to these ruminations. I am aware that the darkness of night amplifies all the darkness of these thoughts. I can hear the birds beginning to sing for morning heralding the beginning of a new day....but still the sadness seeps through. Tomorrow is a new day. If I can just get through the next few hours...the morning light, the sounds of little ones stirring in their bed and the scent of coffee will make it easier again.

Happy birthday to my monkey....

Tomorrow is my sweet little Briar's SIXTH birthday. I cannot believe how much he's grown and how much joy and love he has brought to my life. He is such a funny and thought-filled little guy. His questions never cease to amaze me from his sleepy, "Mama, do horses have uvulas?" to his "If the Earth is round, why doesn't the ocean pour off the bottom?"
Walking with Briar reminds me so much of his daddy. It's slow. Painstakingly slow. He doesn't walk. He meanders. He inspects. He climbs. He pokes. He collects. By the end of a walk, my pockets are FILLED with small pieces of metal, heart-shaped rocks, feathers, and live bugs. His hands are filthy and grasping an assortment of twigs and objects too large for my pockets.
Briar gives hugs and kisses like no one I know. His hugs are big, heart-felt embraces that could very likely pop the head off of someone too frail to know his strength or if I have failed to warn him that he must be gentle with the recipient of his love. His kisses are so soft and gentle that it is surprising to me that the same person can deliver such forceful hugs.
Although he and his sister can fight like they are two warring countries, if he is hurt or scared, she is often the first he seeks out. At night, they rarely sleep apart and I often am brought to tears as I watch them sleep with arms gently draped over the other's neck gently breathing into their sibling's face.

Today as I asked him a few questions about his past year and what will happen when he turns six (he no longer has to take the animal name swimming lessons he is so offended by - turtle, duck, etc. He has graduated to the numbered lessons), I was struck my the desire to record these desires, dreams and musings. I hope to remember to do this for both of them the night before each birthday and see how these thoughts change or stay the same in the coming years.

I/he wrote:

The Night before My _6th_ Birthday:

Name: ________Briar________ Date: ____May 28th, 2012_______

Height: __125.5cm____Weight: ___27.4kg____

My favourite colour:___orange___________

My favourite food: ____cake___

My favourite animal: ____deer________

My best friend/s: __Camille, Yaya (Liv), Rainen and Mommy______

My favourite event in the past year: __My birthday party_______________________


If I could do anything during my day, I would: _ride my skateboard_______________



When I grow up, I want to live (where): _not where big frogs or snake-fish live_______


When I grow up, I want to be: ____in the Coast Guard or a mechanic__________________


In the coming year, I hope to: ____build a treefort.

Hi.

I'm not sure if you're there....We're still here.
I've stopped writing for Widow's Voice so I no longer have an outlet into which I pour my....thoughts. I can say that after an extended hiatus. I miss it. I miss reaching out and letting my thoughts blowing where they may...and knowing that someone hears me - happy or sad. I am heard.
So if you are willing to hear me, I am back. I will update and write when I can. I will pour my thoughts and ideas and the happenings around our little home into this place and reach out to any of you who still look into our little place on the web.
I've missed you.
XOXO