Friday, July 23, 2010

are you lonesome tonight...

Photo from Desicolours


I'm not dating. I have gone on a few....dates. But it never felt right. But neither does this loneliness.

I don't want to go through the hassle of meeting, dating, getting to know the other person's "issues", introducing this person to family and friends, getting giddy when they come around, having our first argument, finding out that they have an oddly close relationship with their mother...who hates me, and having to dump their mama's boy ass after going through all that.

I want to jump straight to the comfy fart-in-bed stage. The leave-the-door-open-when-you-pee level. I want to not worry that they find my poultry obsession a little alarming or that my kid's habit of climbing into bed with me every night is not overly annoying. I want to be with someone who finds my kids cute even when snot is running down their chin.

But, alas, the only one who can fit this bill is a husband. My husband.

I worry that no one will ever love my kids as much as their daddy did. And that even if some man was willing, I may not let them through 'the gate' as I seem to fear that anyone with any interest in us must either have pedophilic tendencies or a death wish.

I'm scared that no one could ever love me again despite my habit of repeating deliciously interesting words under my breath until they cease have meaning. "colposcopy. colposcopy. colpscopy...." Or that the horrifyingly large amount of matter on my thighs that resembles marbles under blue-white coloured cloth would repulse some poor man. Or that they wouldn't know that laughing when I'm raging and screaming at some perceived injustice, although seemingly counterproductive, is just what I need to see life's bullshit as it is - bullshit.

I want to jump to husband and wife. I want to miss all the ups and downs of possibilities.

I want comfort. I want warmth. I want Jeff.

9 comments:

Jen said...

Yes. I totally feel that way. All those ups and downs, questions and uncertainty, possibility of disappointment and endings and wasted time -- I really don't want to go through that. I just want to be married again, and to someone who loves my daughter the way I do. I'm at the point where I can *imagine* there could be someone other than T, but finding him ... argh! That said, I am going to a singles dance party put on by my college alumni association. Once more into the breach!

Suddenwidow said...

Hi Jackie,
I'm getting to the point where I totally get this. And it makes me sad and overwhelmed but I suppose we all must hold on to hope that our futures may hold some wonderful surprises. We sure deserve it!

I'm in town for one more week so if you have time to get together for a walk to the beach after supper, or for a picnic supper on the beach or whatever, give me a call on my cell at 306-587-7207. The boys are in sailing lessons all day every day (and I'm trying to get some boat work done between schlepping them back and forth to lessons) but we're free after about 4:30. If life is too busy for you this next week, I'll see you in San Diego!

How 'bout this great weather!

Take care and have a great weekend!
Deb

Megan said...

I can relate to you, I've been facing that kind of loneliness too.

Pamela said...

Ohh..What a very nice share..Thanks for sharing and I will keep visiting here. Keep on posting.

Hawkfeather said...

I wish you weren't lonely.. but I am not sure what a wish like that would even look like..
I could wish you would meet the right guy- but you said it- you have.

I just wish you happiness Jackie- in what ever form it takes.. and whatever it looks like.


I stress-My situation is NOT like yours in the least
- i left my husband after 11 years because he was abusive.. but i did it with four kids and zero self confidence- that zero modesty state you end up in after a long relationship.. the four kids- some nights all of them in my bed.. and on top of it- fear- the jump out of my skin every time a potential suitor touched me..unable to have sex without bawling kind..

but I found my current partner.. he is a different partner.. and i guess I have learned that the two separate beings are just that-

and I do feel that in life love is one of those things we can never have too much of- I do not think loving another detracts form the love reserved for someone special in life..

Who the hell knows what life has in store for ya woman?

I just hope it is everything you deserve.
the word verification is "wingest"

as in yer the wingest gal I know.. and wingest gals deserve only the best.

Anonymous said...

xoxo....

Tanis

Hawkfeather said...

sorry- but i just popped in to read your new comments and *check* on ya.. weird online stalker gal that I am..

but i just HAD to share your word verification of today.

because it is HEALL.

Anonymous said...

It will all happen when the time is right and not before. And, most likely, when you are not at all expecting it - and feeling like hell. Trust me...I am Yoda...I know these things. You're awesome. Remember that!

D

Hira Animfefte (Xera Anymphefte) said...

Yep. I hear ya. And I feel like that too....I finally found one worth keeping, and he died, and I don't want to go through the song and dance of looking again. It's so exhausting.