Thursday, November 06, 2008

paranoia will destroy ya

Since Jeff has died, not many things scare me. I figure this is all temporary. Possibly a dream. I still get worked up and stressed but not about the same vacuous ephermeral junk.
The one thing that freaks me out, however, is the fact that if something happens to me, my kids will be orphans. So although I`d worry about illness, etc. before, I am now downright paranoid.
A quick morning scan of my symptoms via the internet has introduced the bloody terror that my body is harbouring Saroidosis, Leptospirosis, Hodgkins disease, Rubella, Kawasaki Disease (although this is a child`s disease), etc. I am perpetually telling my sister to stay off the computer when searching for medical advice. I only meant to see if my symptoms warranted a trip to the doctor...I need to listen to my own advice and STOP LOOKING FOR MEDICAL ADVICE ON THE INTERNET!!!!


Anonymous said...

I am the same way Jackie, I think for me that is my worst fear.. it crosses my mind often, which is wacked and I shouldn't think like that.. but when in our shoes, who wouldn't think that?

Mammogram, pap's, all the regular check ups.. do. I'm sure if we were rich we would be paying for all the expensive tests to be done on us!

Deep breaths.. believe we will be here for our children, beautiful, old, gray, happy.


Rach said...


I do it too. I am terrible. I do it about Alice. It will send us balmy.


TheSingingBird said...

that is a fear that every parent faces, but i understand how much more it affects you now and how it could rob you of sleep and a sense of security.

may i suggest next time you are frightened to look on the internet for the amazing healing abilities of the physical body and the strength of positive thought and prayers instead.

i hope that can help a little bit♥

potty mouth mama said...

I do it too - stop! It will drive everyone batty if we all google for medical advice. Don't do it. If in doubt, go to the doctor!

hope you're feeling better soon.

IamDerby said...

No medical advice from the internet! Seriously when my appendix ruptured my dh looked up my symptoms and told me it WASNT appendicitus.... needless to say I almost waited too long. If you think your sick go to the dr!

I am sorry you have that extra burden of worry.

Anonymous said...

I've been lurking here for months by way of Matt's blog (I lurk there too). I enjoy keeping up with you and your kiddos and have never commented before. But this post really hits home for me because I am a *recovering* worry wart myself. Here's what I've learned: worrying is nothing but a bad habit. And all habits are breakable (some with more effort than others, of course). What I mean to say is, you have the ability to change this habit by simply reminding yourself gently (much like you do your sister) that your worry is baseless and each time you start, you must reprimand yourself to stop. Just stop. Each time. Soon you'll realize it's only a bad habit and you won't let yourself continue.

Hilary said...

Have you already listed a few people in a will to take the kids "just in case"? If not, it might offer some peace of mind.

Super 2 said...

lol I do the same thing! I have been advised many many many times to stay away from the internet when I am feeling are not alone sister!!

Anonymous said...

Fellow freaky symptom girl to girl.... we're fine.

Hawkfeather said...

I am a fountain of bodily paranoia-
I repeat as a mantra- "My body is healthy and strong" and it is simple- but i find it really works .

Maybe you could turn it aournd on yourself- and say- Hell yes- i am paranoid because I have been thorugh things I did not deserve- and because I am a wonderful devoted mother.

I bet you worry because your heart is with your children- and that could be empowering.. not worryign could be paramount to not caring.. and who wants that?

I know.. sometimes not caring seems like a dream come true actually.. just shutting it all off to wander the streets in blissful ignorance.

still.. your body is healthy and strong.. and so is your heart and mind- and being worried just proves it all the more.

zakary said...

I am the same way as well. My dad died of pancreatic cancer three years ago and now every time I have a backache, I am convinced I am dying of cancer.

You have every right to feel that way. I can't even imagine how hard this year has been. You are doing a great job with your kids. Trust that.