Saturday, November 29, 2008

flying solo

I am finding this new responsibility of being thrust into the world of solitary decision making terrifying...But I am doing it and it's okay. I would prefer to bounce all these thoughts, necessary choices and responsibilities off of Jeff, but I can't. So as I forge ahead with my life alone, I am finding these mountains that I am climbing difficult; but in someways, I am getting better at them. I am learning to trust myself and the believe that I can make these decisons alone. That I know what is right for me...or us.
Today, I sold our car. The car that Jeff bought me for Valentine's Day in 2006. The car Jeff died in. My little blue Toyota Matrix. It was small, safe and economical....But we had the truck for carrying larger loads and muddy dogs. I didn't need to bring multiple children in the car very often as I wasn't caring for anyone other than my kiddos or the occasional playdate.
But now, life is different. I am going to need to look to a future where I can bring in an income and care for my children alone. I need to be able to move objects by myself and cart various things home that would not fit in my little car.
So now, I own a minivan. I decided and made the deal myself. It was scary and I kept worrying that I was being taken advantage of....Possibly a bit paranoid. But I did it. Myself.
The kids and I quite like the van. It's a few years older than the car thus making it more affordable. It's clean and safe. It is blue just as my little car was...Jeff's favourite colour as Liv pointed out.
Liv had her trepidation about the van. She cried the first night and asked me to go get the car back because it reminded her of Daddy. I remembered crying when my dad talked of selling our little Vauxhal (a little white German car that our family had when I was a child - it`s floor was rusted out, we would watch the road go by as we drove along and we sang songs about `Daddy`s little Vauxhal`). It was certainly a different circumstance but I could empathize with her feelings of security and comfort in the car....especially after losing so much this year. But now, it is like a fort. She wants to show all her friends her new van. They ask to `play in the van`. I am loving the space and the ability to comfortably take our friends along.
So although one door has closed, another has opened. I do feel sad. I do have such fond memories of our little car that I had thought the kids would learn to drive. But I must be flexible and not hold onto things that do not provide the needs we now have just because they are a link to Jeff. This is a hard lesson to learn. But I am doing it.


Kate said...

Good for you! I would be totally paranoid if I bought a car by myself. I'm sure you got a good deal.

Tricia Moran said...

That is great that you could do that on your own and with confidence. That is a big thing to let go of. You are awesome! :) Keep on going on, you have plenty of people behind you...

leigh in the sav said...

awesome! proud of you!

alicat413 said...

you never cease to amaze me!
glad everyone is liking the new van!!
you're doing a great job!

hugs from milaca

won said...

I get it...I had similar thoughts when I recently decided to put my house up for sale. Initially, the internal dialogue was something like this:

"What if Olivia (my late daughter) needs to find her way home...and we no longer live here?"

The sign is out....

Roads said...

I can relate to this post exactly. I sold Jenny's car four years after she died. The nanny had driven it until then.

I made a deal with a garage in the North of England, around two hundred miles north of where I live. So on the last day, I drove north on a slushy cold January day, and the car and I spent a final few hours together.

I can still remember driving away from the garage, watching the old car's headlights staring dolefully after me in my rearview mirror as I drove away.

And I wept.