Monday, April 13, 2009

on a truly different note (pun intended)

This post goes under TMI (Too Much Information). If you're my mother, an aunt or someone who is concerned at all with my public image, stop reading now....I mean it. You'll be sorry. This is not about homeschooling, loss, children, emotions, crafts. It's about a certain bodily function. There. You're warned.

If you know me in real life, you most likely have noticed my....gift of....er...flatulence. I am sure that the majority of you prolitely keep quiet about my...issue but that it goes noticed, nonetheless. Possibly, you all comment on it when I have my back to you (it's when you'd notice it the most). However, if you are my sister or Marnie, you know when I have that grim smile of embarassment/satisfaction and pride, you must do like victims of fire do and "Stop, Drop and Roll". Stop what you're doing, drop to the ground where my hot ass air seems to vacate relatively quickly and roll yourself out of the vicinity.
My gaseousness has caused me much discomfort and embarassment through the years. It always seems that when I attempt to leave an area out of consideration for other patrons/friends/relatives, someone ALWAYS inadvertently follows me and I have to either resort to sending them an apologetic and sheepish grin in their direction or pretending that I don't smell the offending odour. In extreme cases, if there are many other unsuspecting people around, I have been known to cast accusing looks around and wrinkle my nose as if to imply that someone else possesses the guilty sphincter. Yes, it's true...although I am sure that most people can pinpoint the rectum of origin very easily.
Anyhow, I have wondered for some time if this is an issue that I should seek medical attention for. Unfortunately for anyone in my proximity, I lack the confidence needed to address this problem with my doctor (although I am sure he has noticed that when he enters the exam room, it does not smell the same as when he left it...).
So tonight, I turned to the friend/foe of anyone searching for medical answers when the doctor is not available - the internet.
Aside from the diagnosis that I could possibly be harbouring strange intestinal parasites, have some form of cancer (do they say this for EVERY ailment typed into the depths of the world wide web...) or a thyroid issue, I found this small pocket of hilarity that has put a smile on my face and is the reason that I have stooped to the level of informing the general public of my flatus.....Charcoal Filter Undergarments. Seriously. Insanely curious to see just how sexy these puppies were, I headed off to visit the advertiser's site.
The makers claim that with 'normal use' (what the hell is normal use when you have a charcoal filter slapped to your ass?!), one of these sphincter filters is useable for up to THREE WEEKS! Although they are washable, it leaves me to wonder just how sanitary these things are after even a day of straining odours from your ass air?

Have these people never heard of a Shart? Oh-ho, maybe that is what they meant about 'normal use'! (Please be advised that I have never, ever in my life, sharted. Declaring my abilities as a human skunk is enough for me, I would NOT mention this on the 'net if I had this little problem as well!)
I nearly peed myself laughing when I saw the chair pad. Is this the item you get for that not especially floral smelling coworker who is shunned with his cubicle located somewhere close to the bathrooms or stairwell? Or how about the gas mask? Is this intended for friends and family members? Or perhaps, it is for those who are unfortunate enough to share the bed of someone with the superpower of 'the anal tornado'.
Anyhow, supposedly it is normal to 'pass wind' 10-25 times per day. That's a pretty large margin there....Anything more than 25 'pupputts' per day is 'abnormal'. So tonight, I will be sleeping lightly as I try to count 'toots' rather than sheep and attempt to have my numbers be as accurate as possible when I go visit my doctor with my 'little problem'.

P.S. The inventor calls himself 'The Gas Guru" and the site boasts it's Flatulence Blog! Does the hilarity ever end?!

*Now back to our regular programming*

15 comments:

hudson-wi said...

LOL!!!

darcie said...

OMG! Talk about some GREAT gift ideas there huh? I remember the first time my hubs (then fairly NEW boyfriend) heard me be, um, not so lady like...We were sleeping and I didn't quite realize just how loud I was going to be...I woke him from a dead sleep and he wanted to 'hit the deck' because he was SURE there were gunshots being fired outside our window! No joke! He had just moved to the 'big city' from North Dakota and was just sure of it! Of course, I fessed up...and to this day - he still loves to tell that story to anyone who will listen...9 years later!!
I hope you find some answers at the doc! Isn't it strange how 'everyone does it' yet none of us want to talk to the professionals about such things??

jeffra said...

You are fricken hilarious. My husband was a real tool yesterday and lopped off all of my plants rather than dig them out...long story...but I have been seething for entirely too long about it...Your post made me laugh my ass off. Just what I needed! I, myself...am known to have the "same issue"....one of your best yet!!

leigh in the sav said...

this is one of the most awesome posts ever. ever. seriously!

i wish you lots of luck in finding the will to talk to your doctor next time! those conversations can be sooo hard.

glad you can find it in you to still have a light heart about some things - cause this post is a gas! (could NOT help myself.)

Robin Stewart said...

I am so showing this to all the docs at work. Maybe one of them will have an answer for you. Or maybe we need to invest in some office, fart pillows.

Anna in Minneapolis said...

This made me laugh very hard - you're brave to write about this! Have you tried giving up dairy at all? I'm super lactose-intolerant when I'm under any stress (and became this way as an adult). Also, I love soy (tofu, etc.), but I find that it can be as bad as dairy for me some days...and it's often listed as an "offender".

Poppy and Mei said...

Pah! Hahahahahahaha! (pooot...)XXxx

Rach said...

Hilarious Jackie, absolutely hilarious!

We are going gluten free, which seems to have helped my best friend who is a big farter like you! xxx

Anonymous said...

...guilty sphincter, rectum of origin... You're fucking HILARIOUS Jackie!! I LOVE your sense of humour. I almost pissed myself laughing reading this. You are a gifted tooter! I've been known to clear a room or two (as you well know) in my time. I need those charcoal unders and chair pad.
I say fart away, anyone who follows you outside will have to smell the rath of your scorned gut!

Love, Devon

TheSingingBird said...

Omigosh thank you for the laughs!!!

I was just catching up on your last few posts and wondering what I could offer to help you recognize how completely and lovably human you are, but it looks like your angels already pointed you in that direction! :)

I just have to add there is a wonderfully funny children's book called "Good Families Don't!"
I think you'll like it very much!

Thanks again for the giggles :)

corinnecooper said...

you are hysterical...

Jenn said...

This is hilarious...I was laughing but not quite sure if I should be...why is it that people are so afraid of bodily functions??

Sheesh...
Thanks for a good laugh...you are quite brave!!

K. said...

Oh crap, I've been teasing my hub for years that I will invent charcoal underpants. Someone beat me to them!!!

My suggestion is to see if you're lactose intolerant. Causes the stinkyest farts in the universe. Try some lactaid and see. Otherwise, go talk to your doctor!

Good luck, Kirsten

Anonymous said...

Your a hoot...good luck and let us know how you make out. And than maybe the rest of us will fess up also!!!Take care ~Joi

Constance said...

Your dutchness is showing...isn't flatulence a national sport for them/us?