on a truly different note (pun intended)

This post goes under TMI (Too Much Information). If you're my mother, an aunt or someone who is concerned at all with my public image, stop reading now....I mean it. You'll be sorry. This is not about homeschooling, loss, children, emotions, crafts. It's about a certain bodily function. There. You're warned.

If you know me in real life, you most likely have noticed my....gift of....er...flatulence. I am sure that the majority of you prolitely keep quiet about my...issue but that it goes noticed, nonetheless. Possibly, you all comment on it when I have my back to you (it's when you'd notice it the most). However, if you are my sister or Marnie, you know when I have that grim smile of embarassment/satisfaction and pride, you must do like victims of fire do and "Stop, Drop and Roll". Stop what you're doing, drop to the ground where my hot ass air seems to vacate relatively quickly and roll yourself out of the vicinity.
My gaseousness has caused me much discomfort and embarassment through the years. It always seems that when I attempt to leave an area out of consideration for other patrons/friends/relatives, someone ALWAYS inadvertently follows me and I have to either resort to sending them an apologetic and sheepish grin in their direction or pretending that I don't smell the offending odour. In extreme cases, if there are many other unsuspecting people around, I have been known to cast accusing looks around and wrinkle my nose as if to imply that someone else possesses the guilty sphincter. Yes, it's true...although I am sure that most people can pinpoint the rectum of origin very easily.
Anyhow, I have wondered for some time if this is an issue that I should seek medical attention for. Unfortunately for anyone in my proximity, I lack the confidence needed to address this problem with my doctor (although I am sure he has noticed that when he enters the exam room, it does not smell the same as when he left it...).
So tonight, I turned to the friend/foe of anyone searching for medical answers when the doctor is not available - the internet.
Aside from the diagnosis that I could possibly be harbouring strange intestinal parasites, have some form of cancer (do they say this for EVERY ailment typed into the depths of the world wide web...) or a thyroid issue, I found this small pocket of hilarity that has put a smile on my face and is the reason that I have stooped to the level of informing the general public of my flatus.....Charcoal Filter Undergarments. Seriously. Insanely curious to see just how sexy these puppies were, I headed off to visit the advertiser's site.

The makers claim that with 'normal use' (what the hell is normal use when you have a charcoal filter slapped to your ass?!), one of these sphincter filters is useable for up to THREE WEEKS! Although they are washable, it leaves me to wonder just how sanitary these things are after even a day of straining odours from your ass air?

Have these people never heard of a Shart? Oh-ho, maybe that is what they meant about 'normal use'! (Please be advised that I have never, ever in my life, sharted. Declaring my abilities as a human skunk is enough for me, I would NOT mention this on the 'net if I had this little problem as well!)
I nearly peed myself laughing when I saw the chair pad. Is this the item you get for that not especially floral smelling coworker who is shunned with his cubicle located somewhere close to the bathrooms or stairwell? Or how about the gas mask? Is this intended for friends and family members? Or perhaps, it is for those who are unfortunate enough to share the bed of someone with the superpower of 'the anal tornado'.
Anyhow, supposedly it is normal to 'pass wind' 10-25 times per day. That's a pretty large margin there....Anything more than 25 'pupputts' per day is 'abnormal'. So tonight, I will be sleeping lightly as I try to count 'toots' rather than sheep and attempt to have my numbers be as accurate as possible when I go visit my doctor with my 'little problem'.

P.S. The inventor calls himself 'The Gas Guru" and the site boasts it's Flatulence Blog! Does the hilarity ever end?!

*Now back to our regular programming*