Wednesday, April 01, 2009

commemoration

Since Jeff died, I have carried this wound of loss inside me. To anyone passing me on the street this scar is hidden. But it is there nonetheless.
I have tried to think of a way to commemorate the loss of Jeff that makes this scar, not only a sign of an injury, but a symbol of survival and strength. Something that calls my love to my mind and helps me to feel closer to the strength and his abilities of self-assurance that he was so capable of. Jeff was my anchor and the loss of him has forced me to grow so very much since his death.
So, in memory of Jeff, I went on the anniversary of his death to remember him with a symbol. An anchor to symbolize Jeff and his love of the ocean and mehndi style flowers and feathers to symbolize growth and flight.
Although I am sure that its' placement (on the inside of my right forearm) will cause a few raised eyebrows (my grandmother wasn't hugely impressed), I am okay with this. This is me. This is my life. These are the marks placed upon it by the happenings in my life. These marks are to remind me that Jeff loved me flaws and all, that I am strong, forced to be even stronger since losing him, and that he will always be with me in someway. When I wrap my arms around my children, this symbol will be held close to them. When I clutch at my chest with fear or sadness, he will be close to my heart...

31 comments:

Rachel in New Zealand said...

Jackie, that is beautiful, absolutely beautiful.

Karen said...

Very, very cool. What a great idea. What do the kiddies think about it?

jeffra said...

I think it is great. What a great testimony to your love. I am not one for tattoos, the whole permanance of it. I often wonder "are you going to want to look at that when you are 80". I am sure your answer is a resounding YES! So, in your case, the ebellishment is beautiful. What a lovely reminder. I love it!

CJ said...

It's a lovely tattoo and a wonderful memorial.

Hawkfeather said...

it is stunning Jackie.. and no worries about the placement- I have a big old tattoo on my face.. people adjust-
it is your body and the placement can have as much meaning as the image.

It is a beautiful symbol making a physical mark- i gotta say as well...
you talk about the scars of this hurt.. the image is "beautiful"...bringing to mind more than just the pain and suffering- but very much of the strength and wisdom that have come along.

I know people have asked about the- when yer 80 deal with my body modifications..
I once told a body piercer I was hesitant to stretch my ears past a point they will return to normal- so when I am old I can have them normal..

she said.. yeah I hear that ALl the time.. I figure- you are who you are.. are you "planning" on changing your belief system because you age?

have you done that thus far in life?"

my ear holes are a fair bit larger now.


blescro.. word verification.
blesscrow. nice.

Michelle said...

I think it is very beautiful and the meaning makes it all the more special.

Poppy and Mei said...

Breath taking! XXxx

tina said...

I think it's utterly lovely.

Eileen said...

I love it and have a big tattoo of my own. Beautiful!

Ashley said...

It's gorgeous Jackie - that is how tattoos should be, full of meaning.

Anonymous said...

It's stunning.

Kristy said...

What a beautiful and perfect scar. I remember Jeff everything mt wind chime tinkles.It often does when I need it most.When I need to remember to be thankful.

Rach said...

Its just gorgeous. Really gorgeous. xxx

dara said...

I think it is perfect!

Marissa said...

beautiful tat, beautiful reason, beautiful love, beautiful YOU.

Lori said...

The tattoo and what/who it symbolizes are both beautiful.

Joleen T. said...

I love the part about the symbol being close to your children when you wrap your arms around them. What a beautiful thought! I myself do not have any tattoos, but I think it is fabulous. What a wonderful sentiment.

molly said...

I love it.

13mimosa said...

Sending love and "mind your own business" to those raised brows that may come your way.

zakary said...

What a lovely tribute.

leigh in the sav said...

remarkably beautiful and wholly appropriate for you. so thoughtful and perfect. bless you.

Skye said...

Beautifully written Jackie.
Yes, this is you…and this is your life. And life does leave its marks upon us for better and worse. Some you can see and some are buried beneath the surface…but they are there. It is beautiful reminder of your strength, your love…you.

Anonymous said...

Beautiful symbols. Beautiful way to show your children that Jeff is with you all in all you do. As so often when I read your writing, I feel my own life enriched by what you share here. Blessings to you.
Melissa

sarahsmithinaustin@yahoo.com said...

you're a badass! and that is one BEAUTIFUL tribute to jeff!

TheSingingBird said...

Jackie that is really lovely... it seems like a blessing~mark to me, as though revealing your scar has transformed it into a blossoming of your heart...such a beautiful tribute.

Sherri said...

I think your tat is beautiful.

potty mouth mama said...

Oh my goodness, it's beautiful. You and Jeff forever entwined. It's magical.

Brianna said...

Beautiful tribute to the one you love.

Crash Course Widow said...

I wanted to get a tattoo after Charely died too, but for whatever reason(s) I never did. I think it was because I was wanting/planning to have another baby through a fertility clinic, and I thought/assumed that a recent tattoo would disqualify me in some way. And then I forgot about getting one for a while. I meant to get one last summer at the 3rd death anniversary, but I was too busy with getting the house ready to list for sale. And then, knowing I had meant to do it (for years) but forgot, I intended to get one on my 5th wedding anniversary in December. But it still didn't happen. Had too much else going on, just couldn't get organized and proactive enough to plan it, research a place to get it done, etc. etc.

I still intend to get one. I just need to get around to stirring up the motivation and urgency to get it done sooner rather than later. Maybe Mother's Day, maybe in July at the next death anniversary...who knows.

I like yours, especially how you described it to us and the meaning it personally has to you. And who the hell cares if it's a glaring spot on your body? That's why it's your body: you can choose what you do to it. Good for you for doing what you wanted!

Hang in there,
Candice

The Jagow Family said...

Hi Jackie, I have followed your blog for some time now, but have never commented. Your honesty is is heartfelt and appreciated. While I can't relate with you what you have / are going through, I admire your honesty. But I'm now drawn to comment on this post....I have to admit when I first saw the picture, I thought it was beautiful, but it seemed oddly placed. However, after reading why you put it there made COMPLETE sense. I've always been fascinated by tattoo's and have enjoyed learning the meaning behind a person's tattoo. This one is a true testimony to your love! Beautiful!!

Going Crunchy said...

That is beautiful! And what a fantastic post!

I have a big 'ole one on my right thigh that is symbolic of my life philosophy. I put it there when I lost my way for a bit - and I wanted that marker - more then a decoration - a statement for myself to be with me always.

Ink, it is a personal choice that means so much to us.

And whew - you've made it through a year. Thoughts to you.