Wednesday, April 07, 2010

guilt and sadness


This guilt I'm feeling is enormous. The hours and days that I have spent being angry with Freckles for destroying the house. All he wanted was to be close. He has been afraid and lost without Eli and Jeff.
As always, he has laid beside Liv's bed while she slept offering calm reassurance to her that all is okay in her world. He has patiently allowed Briar to sit on his back while staring balefully ahead waiting for the little boy's dismount. Freckles has waited each night until the kids have fallen asleep and then lumbered out to lay by my feet while I work at sewing dresses or typing out some new observation only to return to Liv's beside when I retire for the night. His devotion to me and kids has been tireless and gentle.
In the last few weeks, he has stopped tormenting the chickens. I had thought he had gotten used to their pecking and clucking as he laid in the grass with his rubber chicken squeaking in his jaws. Apart from removing the contents of the garbage can and displaying them upon the kitchen floor last week, he has ceased his destruction of all doorways and windows within the house. I had assumed that his medication was working....or that he was getting used to the fact that Eli was not going to bound in the door ready for another play with his buddy. I am horrified that these developments that pleased me were possibly or probably the effects of him battling cancer.
Last week, while Liv was on a playdate and Briar was at preschool, he had accompanied me for a run. Neither of us seemed to have the energy to complete the circuit....We stopped beside a waterfall, sat on the rocks and I sobbed with his head in my lap. I was missing Jeff, Eli, my grandfather....I had no idea that I would soon be missing Freckles as well.
For all my sermons on remembering to notice the little things, loving the ones who love us back and looking forward, I missed the point. I noticed the obvious but was oblivious to the quiet, little things. I have taken our little poultry killer for granted. I have used terrible curse words as adjectives accompanying his name. I have occasionally thought of him as a burden rather than a gift.
All he wanted was my love. And I do. I did. I just forgot to pay attention to it.
I love you, Freckles. And I loved you even before you laid on the kitchen floor, puffing your breath with pain-filled gasps, and needing me to hold the water bowl for you as you attempted to get a few drops down your throat.
It is agony to watch this descent. We have to wait for the test results to be sure that this is what has so quickly and silently ravenged his soft, fluffy body. I am hoping they hurry. I need to help him be comfortable....I need to know what I can do to ease his pain. Our poor puppy.....
"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." ~A.A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)

6 comments:

Hallie said...

I am so sorry that you all are having to go thru this...your words are beautiful tho, as always...sending prayers your way for some comfort and peace out of all of this...

leigh in the sav said...

There is not much I can say, except I know that Freckles knows he is loved. Please don't be too hard on yourself when thinking of your relationship with him.

He will always be a special dog to you and to the kids. I am sorry you have to go through this, but find comfort in the love you have shared. xoxo

Crash Course Widow said...

Sending you many, many hugs, Jackie. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. I went through something very similar with our pet right around the 2nd anniversary of Charley's death, and I could not. handle. it. at. ALL. Fell apart over it, actually. (Not to mention the crap I went through when our dog died last summer too. Somehow I forgot about that for a moment....) And it's sucks, all of it, horribly. So I've been here too...and sending you many virtual wishes for strength, courage, and endless support.

And I'm sending a big doggy hug to Fu...Freckles, I mean, too. The illnesses and possible deaths of such handfuls are so tough to deal with, so complicated.

And please don't beat yourself up too much. You can only know what's right in front of you; you can't know all the ways that shitty snowglobe can get shaken up. All you can do is the best you can at the time, with the information you have on hand.

Much love, Jackie. xoxo, Candice

Janine (txmomx6) said...

I'm sorry, Jackie.
And am thinking of you.

Maureen in PA said...

Oh, Jackie-Please don't beat yorself up over this. Pets, like kids, friends, etc. can be frustrating at times. And though they love us unconditionally, it doesnt make them any less annoying or infuriating at times. Freckles knew that you loved him, and you have nothing to regret. You gave him a wonderful life...
And don't feel bad about not seeing the signs...Lymphoma is the "silent killer", with very few warning signs. It moves aggressively and unfortunately, is very common in retriever-type dogs. There was no way to know....
I know some people may think it sounds silly, but when Daisy (my golden who died of cancer last year)was gone, I thought of her with her doggy "friends" in a better place. So maybe Eli and Freckles are together now...
My heart just breaks for you and your children. There are no words, and I won't even try....just know that you are not alone, and there are a bunch of creepy girls out here who love you...
~Maureen

Amber said...

I'm so sorry. I'm thinking of you, and Freckles, and your children. And I am hoping that whatever happens next is as gentle as possible.