This guilt I'm feeling is enormous. The hours and days that I have spent being angry with Freckles for destroying the house. All he wanted was to be close. He has been afraid and lost without Eli and Jeff. As always, he has laid beside Liv's bed while she slept offering calm reassurance to her that all is okay in her world. He has patiently allowed Briar to sit on his back while staring balefully ahead waiting for the little boy's dismount. Freckles has waited each night until the kids have fallen asleep and then lumbered out to lay by my feet while I work at sewing dresses or typing out some new observation only to return to Liv's beside when I retire for the night. His devotion to me and kids has been tireless and gentle. In the last few weeks, he has stopped tormenting the chickens. I had thought he had gotten used to their pecking and clucking as he laid in the grass with his rubber chicken squeaking in his jaws. Apart from removing the contents of the garbage can and displaying them upon the kitchen floor last week, he has ceased his destruction of all doorways and windows within the house. I had assumed that his medication was working....or that he was getting used to the fact that Eli was not going to bound in the door ready for another play with his buddy. I am horrified that these developments that pleased me were possibly or probably the effects of him battling cancer. Last week, while Liv was on a playdate and Briar was at preschool, he had accompanied me for a run. Neither of us seemed to have the energy to complete the circuit....We stopped beside a waterfall, sat on the rocks and I sobbed with his head in my lap. I was missing Jeff, Eli, my grandfather....I had no idea that I would soon be missing Freckles as well. For all my sermons on remembering to notice the little things, loving the ones who love us back and looking forward, I missed the point. I noticed the obvious but was oblivious to the quiet, little things. I have taken our little poultry killer for granted. I have used terrible curse words as adjectives accompanying his name. I have occasionally thought of him as a burden rather than a gift. All he wanted was my love. And I do. I did. I just forgot to pay attention to it. I love you, Freckles. And I loved you even before you laid on the kitchen floor, puffing your breath with pain-filled gasps, and needing me to hold the water bowl for you as you attempted to get a few drops down your throat. It is agony to watch this descent. We have to wait for the test results to be sure that this is what has so quickly and silently ravenged his soft, fluffy body. I am hoping they hurry. I need to help him be comfortable....I need to know what I can do to ease his pain. Our poor puppy..... "How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." ~A.A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
This blog contains a fair amount of swearing, painful and difficult subject matter. If you have objections of any kind, I believe it's your right to not agree. But, please, keep those objections to yourself and keep yourself busy withsomething else.
A few musings of a homeschooling, crafting, neurotic, organic loving and, most of all, kiddo adoring mommy...I've now become a widow. My best friend and husband died of a pulmonary embolism on March 25th, 2008. This blog has now become a place for me to mentally unload and try to figure out how to do this and who I am without him.