Monday, May 31, 2010

closer....closer...CLOSER!!!


We're moving this coming Saturday. I had it all under control. This was a good thing to do. The timing was right. Life had nudged me and it was time for me to step out from my comfort zone and fly.....Right? That's what I'm supposed to do, right?
I have to admit that any and all confidence and conviction in this move and the change in lifestyle that I had has since vanished. Maybe it's cold feet....maybe it's sudden clarity.
WHY am I leaving my sister? Why am I moving into a place that costs more (although I realize this place was set to be sold in the near future)? Why am I sending my sweet Olivia to SCHOOL? Why am I working when I should be with my kids?
I have to stare straight ahead and the task at hand because if I meander at all, I begin to think of ALL the worst case scenarios and can't stop having a flip-flop feeling in my chest, crying yesterday's (often longer) mascara into Alice Cooper-like streaks down my face or freaking out at my kids about stupid, possibly psychotic, issues involving the whereabouts of my keys/a phone number/my brain.
I know we never know if what we do is the 'right' thing....but I NEED to know if this is the 'right thing'!!!!!!
I am attempting to keep a smile on by writing 'funny-only-to-me" notes on top of the boxes, "Liv's room - games, books, toy cash register,....and that really CREEPY doll". Or "Jeff's odd assortment of things that I never really understood". I mentally arrange all the rooms and our mountains of crap in the new house and attempt to convince myself that it's going to be super-fabulous!....But no amount of spit and polish can undent my thoughts and feelings of sadness and fear over leaving 'home'.
I know Jeff comes with us....but I want him to come WITH us....and I want him to tell me that I am doing the 'right thing'.

11 comments:

Mel said...

I'm so proud of you!

You are a brave girl.

You are doing the right things.

If, someday, you decide to do something different, you will know it and you will be able to do that, too.

You are awesome.

Amber said...

Change is scary. But you're doing the best that you can here, and that is always the right thing. It will be OK.

Hawkfeather said...

moving can suck.. you are uprooting.. and I am one of those person who thinks solid roots bring calm and an order to life we tend to *need*...

but moving and shifting is all part of ensuring we are rooted right?


I so wrote on all my boxes the exact same way...

I love the first night in a new house- sleepover with the family - maybe in your new room- maybe all in one room- maybe pizza cause everything is packed.. new smells.. a new space to fill with new memories..


I think your *cold feet* are only a sign of how sane you are.. and only a testament to how difficult the process is- it is *always* hard on some level- physically especially- but you have a whole other aspect to contend with Jackie.

I just think it shows your human-.. I am not doubting that right now you might be drained like a mofo.
Hard to be all rainbows and sunshine with so much changing around you- especially after the few weeks.. heel years you have had.


new space to fill up with YOU!

you don't need to make all your life's decisions right now- you don't need to know about schools or anything else.. nuttin' wrong with one foot in front of the other i suppose.

Anonymous said...

I don't know you, I have lurked on this site for a long time, but I do feel like you ARE doing the right thing. Like I said, I don't know you, never talked to you, but I am excited for you as you make this big move.

Take it from me, a mom who has both stayed at home AND worked, your kids will be fine and it isn't so bad.

And public school? After almost homeschooling my son, he's LOVING school. He begs to go, hates P.D. Days and is learning amazing things. It isn't so bad.

Good luck with the move! :)

Crash Course Widow said...

Please try to remember that moving is one of the most stressful things a person can do...and that's not even counting doing it with kids, as a single parent, or as a young widow relatively early into this damned process. Just over 2 years out isn't all that long, in the overall scheme of things and especially when I look back at my own shit journey over these past almost-five years.

And take it from someone who's moved twice post-widowhood: anything you do now doesn't have to be permanent. This move was the right choice at one time. It's stressful, sucks, and makes you a nervous, worrying wreck, but you were right: it felt right when you made the decision several weeks ago. And it's still a good choice for you 3.

Give yourself massive pats on the back for being able to stare down the fear and unknown and make such a big move, literally and figuratively. Your memories of Jeff won't fade any as you move, and you may just find that moving opens up new areas of your life that you didn't know were missing. I think a job is a GOOD thing for you, and the kids. I know that sitting at home, doing "nothing" (spoken tongue in cheek) for the most part since Charley died, has made much of my grief harder over the long run. There've been fewer distractions and social interaction because I stayed home for so long...and I think I'd feel at least a little bit differently (better?) if I'd continued working or gone back sooner.

All you can do is what you can do. It doesn't have to be perfect...or even pretty. ;o) Sending you many, many hugs and calming, soothing vibes. You rock, Mama, for all you're trying to do!!! xoxo, Candice

Suddenwidow said...

Ditto to everything everyone has said above. Just want to let you know that I'm cheering you on from here. Moving and uprooting is always scary and doubt-inducing when it involves our kiddos lives. But when we go with our heart and gut reactions, we can't go wrong.

Looking forward to seeing you this summer. I Google mapped your new digs and I'm excited about how close you are to the ocean!! Can I live in your basement under the stairs :)

Happy moving and don't hurt yourself!

Janine (txmomx6) said...

Ditto, ditto, ditto.
You ARE doing the right thing.
He knows it and is cheering you forward.
And so am I.
: )

Jen said...

Your thoughts remind me of how I felt when poised on the edge of a platform 40 feet above the ground, strapped into a zip line harness. Sure, it seemed like a good idea from the ground, imagining flying along, wind in my hair. But standing toe to toe with what felt like certain death, I wanted to turn around and go back down the ladder in the worst way. And then finally I closed my eyes and jumped, and it was all the more exhilarating and wonderful for the scary start.

You're at the hardest point. You are doing the right thing, taking charge of your life and moving your family forward. Just put one foot in front of the other for the next few days, and suddenly you'll be there and it will be exhilarating and wonderful.

Can't wait to read how it all unfolds!

darcie said...

nothing worth doing ever comes easy.
you are going to be ok.

letterstoelias said...

When Elias and I moved once, we wrote goofy things on the boxes too. I would write things like, 'Fragile - this means don't break it Dumbass!' and he would write something like, 'Goin' to the Freakshow's room'

Freakshow and Dumbass were our pet names for each other. It drove my mom nuts. We loved it =).

Keep breathing . . .
~C~

K. said...

Honey, you rock! And you're doing the right thing. How do I know this? I'm doing the same in 4 weeks, only I don't have a home to move into yet because my home won't sell. BUT it will all work out and if we need to change things, we will, because our instinct will tell us when things need to change. Stay strong and good luck!