Friday, February 27, 2009

loss and regrets

I just woke sweaty and filled with the sense of loss that only dreams can force you to relive after an event has occurred.
I was brought back to my childhood home by my father. I ran up the steps looking for my mom and crying because I was so elated to be 'home' again. When I found my mom, she wouldn't talk to me. I drove her to the hospital thinking there must be something wrong and worried that she didn't love me. I caught the bus back searching desperately to again find this home I have always loved the most. The place I have always associated with safety and security. I found one of my closest childhood friends on the bus, but this time, I couldn't talk. She thought I was ignoring her and vowed to never speak to me again. I arrived at a museum. A man implored me to never forget Albert Einstein. I swore I wouldn't as I hid in a closet of his clothes. A terrifying man searched for me as I hid in the back corner under a soft camel coloured wool coat. I escaped when he looked away and found Jeff's boat tied to a wharf close by. I climbed aboard sure that I would find him and everything would be okay. I would be safe. We would be happy. His boat was suddenly huge and there were so very many people there. I was trying to ask everyone if they had seen him. I searched the engine room. I looked for his sea bag to see if he had been there recently. I looked for his charts. I called out for him. I screamed for him. He didn't come. I had been too late. He was gone. I felt at fault. I started to cry.........I woke with tears rolling down my cheeks, sweat soaking the small of my back and with such a sense of loss that the tears flowed fresh. He was gone. I couldn't change it. I am helpless and I miss him so terribly that when I feel his loss so acutely, I wish I had gone too.

8 comments:

Amber said...

Oh jackie, that dream sounds cruel and way too painful. I am so sorry.
Love xxxx

Kathryn said...

Hugs to you Jackie. Big fat hugs and crocodile tears. I think of you as a friend eventhough we've never met and I so wish I could help you wade through all of this pain and muck. I'd probably feel stuck in the mud right along with you, but at least we'd laugh together.

Hugs from far away!
Kathryn

Super 2 said...

Jackie thats sounds like a terrible dream. I'm so sorry you are going thru this.
Huge hugs from Minnesota,
j

Anonymous said...

{{{{Jackie}}}}, this is such a sad dream. All about you at fault. Which you are not. I wish I could give you a big hug.

Nancy

leigh in the sav said...

i hate that. i am so sorry. many hugs and much peace to you.

indybarb said...

Oh Jackie......I am so sorry that you had such a bad dream. They can seem so real sometimes and they bring back such pain. I hope you are doing a little better by the time you get this note and that your next dream of Jeff is one in which he actually appears and gives you the comfort that you so desperately need right now. My thoughts are always with you and the little ones.

Anonymous said...

miss your writing..thinking of you

lilia

Miriam's Art Journal BLOG said...

I have had a huge loss in my life as well and found the work of Byron Katie immensely helpful.....you can get a taste of her on her site, http://thework.com/video_loss.asp

sending you lots of strength