In less than a month, it will be a year since Jeff died. A year. 365 days. I am running out of all the 'firsts' that happen in the year after you lose someone.
I went to Seedy Sunday yesterday. Last year was one of the last days that the kids spent the day with their dad without me. I remember enjoying the day and the freedom of having Jeff stay home with the kids while I went to do something that I wanted to do.
This year, I brought the kids. It was a frenzy of little hands touching plants and running up and down the aisles while I quickly scanned the various tables and attempted to remember the seeds that were on my shopping list. It wasn't awful at all but I couldn't help but remember that day one year ago with a sad fondness. Oh, how I miss him. How I miss being a team. How I miss having someone in these little people's lives who love them just as much as I do. How I want someone to come home to who loves me. Someone who knows where the ketchup is kept and what Liv's favourite food is....Not just someone. Him. His laugh. His jokes and his teasing. His once annoying habits that have become such fond memories.
I am dreading that day. The worst day ever. March 25th is coming. I can't stop it, just as I couldn't stop Jeff's death. Somehow, after a year, I wonder if I will be 'expected' to be over it. To not talk about losing him as often. To be healed more than I am. A year to an outsider must seem so long. To me, it seems like yesterday.
The Firehouse Chronicles – Episode 14
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