Monday, March 02, 2009

comin' down the pipes

In less than a month, it will be a year since Jeff died. A year. 365 days. I am running out of all the 'firsts' that happen in the year after you lose someone.
I went to Seedy Sunday yesterday. Last year was one of the last days that the kids spent the day with their dad without me. I remember enjoying the day and the freedom of having Jeff stay home with the kids while I went to do something that I wanted to do.
This year, I brought the kids. It was a frenzy of little hands touching plants and running up and down the aisles while I quickly scanned the various tables and attempted to remember the seeds that were on my shopping list. It wasn't awful at all but I couldn't help but remember that day one year ago with a sad fondness. Oh, how I miss him. How I miss being a team. How I miss having someone in these little people's lives who love them just as much as I do. How I want someone to come home to who loves me. Someone who knows where the ketchup is kept and what Liv's favourite food is....Not just someone. Him. His laugh. His jokes and his teasing. His once annoying habits that have become such fond memories.
I am dreading that day. The worst day ever. March 25th is coming. I can't stop it, just as I couldn't stop Jeff's death. Somehow, after a year, I wonder if I will be 'expected' to be over it. To not talk about losing him as often. To be healed more than I am. A year to an outsider must seem so long. To me, it seems like yesterday.


darcie said...

Jackie - I hope you never ever stop talking about him - you will never be *over* it nor should you ever be expected to be. Jeff lives on through you and through the kids - your stories keep him alive and help those of us who did not have the pleasure of knowing him - feel like we did.
thinking of you - xoxo - darcie

Joanna in Los Angeles (from the emails) said...

I'm with you, Jackie. Well, maybe a few months behind you, but I already feel like people don't realize this still feels new to me. I even remember what I thought it would feel like before it happened to me. Damn, how wrong I was.

There will always be people who don't get it (and I'm glad that they don't, for their sakes), but, unfortunately, there are those of us who know too well. I'm always reading, even I'm not commenting.

Take care.

Single Parent Dad said...

If anyone expects anything of you that is totally ridiculous. You do what you need to do, be who you need to be.

I have not really have a problem with the anniversaries. The way I look at it, I am no less grief stricken the day after, than the day before, regardless of what happened on this day or that in another year.

Sending my best.
Sending you my best

Desha said...

I will never get tired of hearing you talk about Jeff. I love reading how much he meant to you, the funny things he did, the kind of husband/dad he was. I know Liv and Briar will be glad to have those memories written down as they get older and are able to read about them. I have been thinking of you alot lately, knowing how hard the next few weeks will be. Wish there was something I could do. Just know you are in my prayers.

TheSingingBird said...

Jackie I wish I could give you some kind(any kind) of comfort.
I do think that Liv and Briar will find some solace in your words as they grow, especially as they determine who they want to be.
So much love to you♥

leigh in the sav said...

agree so much with what darcie and others have already said. screw anyone who has expectations of how you should cope, live or grow. i expect you are going to have a rough time this month, but please don't add to the real emotional churning you are going through by worrying about what others think!

you must do this on your time, at your pace and with yours and your kids' interest at heart. nobody else has a say in how you feel.

i will be thinking about you much in the coming weeks. and for what it's worth - it seems like yesterday to me, too.

Hawkfeather said...

i don't think it seems so long momma.
I think time is relative really, and even as things move on, a piece of us can be left behind torn off our hearts to remain behind-

when we think of those times- those events.. that piece of us is there- reflecting on close to your heart that day really is... connected and intertwined.

I hope you can feel the support.. I am un-sure the impact it can make- if any.

But I know I am sending my love.