I don't know why or how certain days, moments or thoughts hit me harder than others. ?Occasionally, I'll find myself sobbing as I fold Briar's old wool peacoat thinking that he has now outgrown his last article of clothing that his daddy saw him wear, or groaning with sad jealousy as I see another daddy swing his little girl up onto his shoulders or hiccupping with shock as sadness grips me remembering how he'd laugh at my penchant for the smell of his jacket, or tearing at myself in agony with grief when I re-realize that 'this' is forever.
I don't know if I can explain myself again. I feel as if I have articulated it so many times but not correctly. Not well enough. I can't spell it out correctly. I know I am saying it too much. But it just hasn't come out right yet.
Do you remember that awful longing, yearning you felt as a teenager for some person you thought would love you if they just got to know you? How you'd stare at those teen posters and know that you'd never meet them. Never be near them. Never know them. And it filled you with such a sense of loss that you would cry bitter tears of frustration.....Well, it's so very fucking different, but the same.
I look at pictures of him and want to scream out. I want to slam my fist into something and break things. I want to lay down and melt away. I see pictures of his family and search for traces of him and traces of our children.
I want to be near him. I want to smell him. I want to lean on him and cry. I want him to hold the back of my head with his massive hands and press my face into his and kiss my forehead. I felt so safe. So loved. So.....
And there is nothing I can do to alleviate this pain. No way that I can manifest the feelings of intimacy and closeness that we shared. No booming laugh, no funny stories, no inside jokes.
I feel such anger and frustration I want to break things. I want to say wicked words and blow something up. I want to spit. I want to retch. I want to vomit out all this ferocity and sadness. But it doesn't spill and pour out. It trickles... but it grows as well. A constant flow of bitterness.
I feel that I have been waiting all this time as I've swam toward the surface of a dark, black lake. Holding my breath, I had hoped for hope and thought that I'd break the surface to a dawning of some sorts. But as I emerge from the depths, I realize that the lake below was so dark because the sky above was black. And I feel lost.