Thursday, May 28, 2009

return

The loss of my love has changed me. My thoughts, feelings, judgements, security and confidence have all shifted. I had thought the damage imposed by this sudden and terrible event would be permanent....In fact, I had even hoped some of it would be permanent.
I enjoyed being driven completely by gut. There was no muss and fuss worrying what others would do, think or say. I was pure instinct. I kept my head down and ran. Now, as the raw newness of my new life brushes away, I find old worries seeping back in.
I realize that to the outside world, I was still 'Jackie'. The same Jackie they had known for ages....Just broken slightly. Like a rake with one missing tine. Still a rake, just slightly impaired.
Looking out through these eyes, the world looked different and skewed - both terrifyingly awful and wonderfully beautiful.
Initially, I was aghast to see just how superficial the world and its' occupants indeed were. It was something that I had suspected and had commented on, but after losing Jeff, I was shocked at the degree with which the world...sucked.
Now, I find myself returning to the world of the fake and superficial. Self-tanners, leg waxing and other stupid crap dot my blog. Worry about traffic, other's opinions, and spilled dirt from caterpillar houses on the floor in life.
I suppose that the return of this ephemeral existence means that life is returning to some form of 'normalcy' and that the trauma is not so acute. I guess that it means that I am 'living' again.
But it also means that I am farther away from him. It means that stupid inconsequential crap is seeping back into everyday life....and that the 'truth and meaning' that I found in the vacuum of Jeff's presence is sifting through my hands.
I am sure that I will always hold onto some of the insight that the loss of my love has afforded me. That the 'blessing' of loss will remain with me always. But it will be diffused and softened....Or maybe, I just need to nurture the thoughts and wisdom that were given to me in the wake of it all. Maybe I can practise and maintain some of the positives that I learned. Maybe I am not losing them at all....maybe they are inside me, I just need to draw on these gifts and use them.
I do hope that some of the changes within me remain. That I can hold onto them and ensure that life has more meaning that it did before. That I continue to clearly realize what a blessing the life that I have and the life that I get to share with others truly is.

4 comments:

leigh in the sav said...

i definitely believe that you will continue to move forward with the strength and insight you have gained from jeff's passing. just because you have made some room for the inconsequential thoughts does not mean you have eliminated room for those that are the most important. jeff's light and love will live in you forever. so will the 'lessons' and 'blessings' that have come through this loss.

you grew and changed in the years you were with jeff (perhaps it was more subtle,) but that will continue even now. you may be different, but you are still you. and you are a beautiful, caring, loving soul.

Lynn said...

I'm new here, so let me say for the first time how sorry I am to hear about Jeff. I'm sending a big hug your way.

Suddenwidow said...

Jackie,
Thanks for your comment on my blog. It seems we were both on similar wavelengths today, trying to embrace and hold on to some of our "widow changes".

We're going to be on the island for a couple of weeks this summer. Maybe we could get together for our kiddos to have some beach play time, or something else low key. If you'd like, send me an email. Have a good weekend.

Debbie

lori said...

Of course you'll never be entirely the same and you won't forget what loss has taught you. Part of that lesson is getting on with life and the "inconsequential" and "superficial" things like waxing and tanning and anything. Part of remembering what we have to loose is getting out there and living. And you're doing it. I wish you so much happiness. I hope it just rains down on you today.