Monday, May 11, 2009

what now?

God, I miss you. Losing you still breaks my heart constantly. Will the hurt found in these pits ever stop being so sharp? Will it one day be a dull ache instead of this all-encompassing stabbing sensation? Will I ever stop having this sudden and unexpected sensations of shock that you are, indeed, gone? Will I ever be able to put away your toothbrush? Wash your final load of laundry? Open your dresser drawers or fish bag without being doubled over with sorrow? Will I ever look at photos of us and not have these completely irrational feelings of jealousy for my former self and the time I got to spend with you? Will my inability to save you or my 'surviving' losing you ever stop filling me with guilt?
I need you so badly. I need to know that it's okay. That it is all going to be okay. I need to tell you that 'I love you'. That I want you. I want you back. I want to put my chin on your chest and cry. I want to hold your hands. I want to talk to you. I need to talk to you. I am so lonely without you, Jeff.
I feel like I should be better. That often, I have no reason not to be better. That I smile and tell myself that things are good. That we are okay. That I am coping. That life without you still contains the sun and the sea and that I can still feel the rays on my face and the cool of the ocean on my toes. But, often, too often, although I can feel them, they don't mean anything without you. They just mean the change in temperature or texture - not that you are somewhere out there on a fish boat touching the same ocean and feeling the same sun on your face...connecting us.
I wish there was someway to know. If? Where? Do you see me? Is there anything? Will I hold you again? Will you always be 'you' or broken up pieces of love thrown into a big melting pot? Is there nothing? Is all that was 'you' gone?
I am so tired of feeling sorry for myself. Of feeling sad. Broken. Lonely. Scared. Does it ever get better again? Do I get to hope for happiness, confidence and wholeness once again? Or do I just wait for the timer on the clock to run out?

10 comments:

Char said...

I am so sorry for your loss. **hugs** I think it is simply beautiful that you express your feelings so openly. your words nearly brought tears to my eyes.

Anonymous said...

I wish I could take your pain away and make it all better for you. I hope tomorrow is brighter, better and filled with hope.
Hope you have a long, restful, gentle sleep.
XX Rachel

darcie said...

*thinking of you and the kids*
so so sorry ~
xoxo ~ darcie

IamDerby said...

Big hugs coming your way.

AndreaRenee said...

You express your feelings so beautifully. The pain is so sharp and deep, but I believe we will feel some relief in time. I hope. In the meantime, ((((BIG HUGS)))) to you.

Lori said...

The ocean has and always will be. Little molecules of ocean water that your husband touched are still floating around. In my view, when your toes touch the ocean you're with him. In more ways than just the molecule he did maybe touch, but the ocean was his life, outside of the family you built, right? I can only imagine that the ocean is a rememberance of him for you.
I'm sure you've read "i carry your heart" by e.e. cummings? If not read it. If so read it again.

And about the bike- if you want to get him the bike, if it would make both of you giggle and be happy, then do it. When he gets older you can explain consumerism. If he likes cameras, then do that. I think that would be a great gift for a young child. What better way to encourage observation and art in photography?! Either way, and you need to hear this, from what I read on here, you're doing a great job. Really, you are. Don't discredit yourself. I could only hope that if life ever found me in your footsteps I'd handle it 1/10th as well as you. I know I am a stranger but if you need a ear ever- I'd be more than happy to make your acquaintence. lorimichele1@hotmail dot com
I wish you and your 2 darling children NOTHING but the best.

leigh in the sav said...

lori,

what beautiful thoughts and words of encouragement for jackie.

jackie,

i continue to wish you peace and healing, although i confess - i don't know exactly what that healing looks like or of it will ever be complete. my uneducated guess is that it is you experience these waves of emotion and you should express it and ride them out - just as you have been. you are doing an amazing job and i continue to be inspired by you and your well of strength.

much love.

Jill said...

beautiful picture.
beautiful post.

Jenny said...

Crying in my office...I wish there was a way that I could take away your pain. I'm so sorry...and I bet you're tired of hearing "I'm sorry" but I'm not sure if there are any other words...

Marissa said...

Do I get to hope for happiness, confidence and wholeness once again?yes, yes and YES!
jeff wouldn't have wanted it any other way. you honor him no less by regaining those things either.

*love to you today & every day...*