God, I miss you. Losing you still breaks my heart constantly. Will the hurt found in these pits ever stop being so sharp? Will it one day be a dull ache instead of this all-encompassing stabbing sensation? Will I ever stop having this sudden and unexpected sensations of shock that you are, indeed, gone? Will I ever be able to put away your toothbrush? Wash your final load of laundry? Open your dresser drawers or fish bag without being doubled over with sorrow? Will I ever look at photos of us and not have these completely irrational feelings of jealousy for my former self and the time I got to spend with you? Will my inability to save you or my 'surviving' losing you ever stop filling me with guilt?
I need you so badly. I need to know that it's okay. That it is all going to be okay. I need to tell you that 'I love you'. That I want you. I want you back. I want to put my chin on your chest and cry. I want to hold your hands. I want to talk to you. I need to talk to you. I am so lonely without you, Jeff.
I feel like I should be better. That often, I have no reason not to be better. That I smile and tell myself that things are good. That we are okay. That I am coping. That life without you still contains the sun and the sea and that I can still feel the rays on my face and the cool of the ocean on my toes. But, often, too often, although I can feel them, they don't mean anything without you. They just mean the change in temperature or texture - not that you are somewhere out there on a fish boat touching the same ocean and feeling the same sun on your face...connecting us.
I wish there was someway to know. If? Where? Do you see me? Is there anything? Will I hold you again? Will you always be 'you' or broken up pieces of love thrown into a big melting pot? Is there nothing? Is all that was 'you' gone?
I am so tired of feeling sorry for myself. Of feeling sad. Broken. Lonely. Scared. Does it ever get better again? Do I get to hope for happiness, confidence and wholeness once again? Or do I just wait for the timer on the clock to run out?
Here's the story.
3 months ago