Also posted on Widow's Voice
Today, as I scanned through my CD collection in search of something mellow yet fun to listen to while doing housework, I found that every. single. bloody. CD had some memory intertwined in its' melody.
I found myself sobbing due to the fact that I am the one now, the ONLY one, who remembers dancing in the wheelhouse of the boat in the middle of the night to Van Morrison with my head upon his chest. The one who can recall playing "Smooth" in my little truck on the way to Port Hardy and singing at the top of our lungs. The one who has stored in my head the long ago deleted messages of Jeff singing Jeff Healey's "Angel Eyes" for me to find in the morning on the answering machine.
Each of these memories are sacred and terrible. I love them. I want to keep them. But they pain me with a new and fresh pain.
I had been shying away from these memories. Hiding them in the bottom of my brain's sock drawer. So now at 20 months out, I can either play the music, have a big ole pity party for myself that will last god-knows-how-long...or I can buy some new music.
So tomorrow, I am heading to the music store. I need a soundtrack that'll make me light on my feet, not heavy in the soul.
5 comments:
The new blue rodeo album is quite good.
I'm sorry about the music, I can hear the pain in your words, and there's nothing I can do, other than wish you something pain free to listen too.
Thinking good thoughts for you in your quest for new music. I hope you find the perfect soundtrack for you, right now. :)
Ah, I'm sorry your music library brings you pain. I hope you can find a fresh new soundtrack that helps lighten your load and put a bounce in your step.
Rock anthems...they turn the vac on all by themselves...XXxx.
It took me ages to be able to play music again. My (our) whole record collection had mutated into a soundtrack of bloody misery.
When did that change? I'm not exactly sure. Like you, I went out and bought a load of new CDs, since I knew I had to find something new. And after a while, coming back to the old favourites was slowly possible once more.
Certain songs can still crack me up, on occasion. I've learned to live with it -- and eventually I think you realise that you don't ever want to lose hold of those memories, however hard it is to deal with them.
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