Friday, March 26, 2010

deux ans

Also posted on Widow's Voice

Deux ans. Two anniversaries of the day I lost my huge, hairy and hilarious husband.
I've learned so very much in these two short years. A lifetime of lessons. Lessons I didn't really want to know.
I now know that although I did not think in those first few hours, days and months, that I would survive, I did. I breathed each breath with a sob. I grudgingly ate each meal. Each movement was filled with melancholy and loss. So the first 11 months, I call 'survival'.
The first anniversary of Jeff's death was painful, exhausting and anticlimatic. I had hoped that once I had conquered this date that things would be easier. But although I had lost the hollow and vacant stare and I could remember to feed myself, I could not for the life of me figure out how I was going to live again. But I shuffled forward. The first year was about 'coping'.
Now, as I enter my second year alone, I realize that although life continues to be different and harder than it was before Jeff's body ceased to exist, it is easier than the first anniversary. The mourning is less new and raw. I am stronger, more capable and so able to laugh.
So although this new year may be only about 'hoping', it is a big step. A colossal step towards the time when I can start 'living' again.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sweet girl...you are strong and brave. you are doing it. be well. be happy.
meg...ct

Amber said...

I am so glad that you are finding hope. I agree, it is a big step.

letterstoelias said...

You certainly give me hope . . .

Lots of love to you and the kids,
~C~

P.S. The girls loved the video of Jeff, the kids and the crabs =)

Abigail Carter said...

Great Video! Hope you had an OK day. Another foot placed in front of the other. Well done.

Poppy and Mei said...

XXxx.