Friday, March 19, 2010

which way did he go?

Also posted on Widow's Voice

Jeff's birthday was on the 16th. The kids and I performed our birthday tradition of making him a blueberry pie. As per Liv and Briar's directions, we lit a candle and stood on the back deck waiting for him (aka the wind) to blow it out. After a few minutes, the kids 'helped' him and blew it out themselves.
It broke my heart to watch them standing there expectantly cheering him on. "Come on, Daddy! You can do it! Blow it out!"
It's moments like this that I so wish that there was a manual to which I could refer. I don't know if I should just follow their lead with their beliefs surrounding death or if I should guide them to some more socially acceptable (and adult) way of dealing with their daddy's loss.
They find comfort in their beliefs. They seem to 'know' what happened to him....moreso than I do. It is with such conviction that Liv believes he is always with us. Always here to share our joy, our pain, our experiences. With staunch stubbornness, Briar declares that Jeff found some joke hilarious or some movement amazing. He tells us amazing tales of the adventures that Jeff has now been on, where his boat has sailed and who worked as crew aboard.
I have become accustomed to their stories of the life that Jeff is now leading without his physical body. I, too, find some amount of comfort in hearing that he is still 'out there'.
But to others less versed in "Death according to Two Small Children", I wonder if they find these declarations shocking or, even, blasphemous.
Until I find the answers to my own questions or until I know which way to guide them, I don't think I'm in the position to be able to 'tell' anyone where we go after our bodies cease to function. So, the three of us will just follow where this journey leads us....and in the end, we'll know who was 'right'....

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi Jackie,

This is a beautiful tradition and a beautiful post. It's obvious your children have figured out their own ways of dealing with Jeff's death. What more could you ask?

I remember a long time ago reading something Carl Jung said that has stuck with me: Nobody knows what happens after death, so it's best to decide what you believe that makes you best able to deal with it and stick with that. YOur kids seem to have done this is a way that helps the whole family. What a wonderful gift.

Nan

Amber said...

I think that you're bang on - you can't tell your children what happened to Jeff, because there are no good answers. Allowing them to deal with this in their own way is totally reasonable. Who's to say that they don't know better than we do, anyway?

Andrea Renee said...

As adults, we can learn just as much from our children as they learn from us... (((HUGS))) xoxo

Poppy and Mei said...

I think the kids may be right...♥ XXxx.

Anonymous said...

How is anything we adults believe any more 'right' than what the kids believe? Who is to say we are right and they are wrong? Unless you are dead, you have no idea what happens after you die. 'Socially acceptable' is whatever gets you through, because the most of 'society' hasn't a freakin' clue!! Opinions are like assholes and everybody has one ;-) Personally, I would have told Jeff that if he hadn't of smoked for so many years, he could have blown out the damn candle!

Wendy Mewhort said...

Sending you love, Jackie...
You, and your children, -- and Jeff :-) -- are leading the way into teaching about the new understanding of what happens after death... so that other children will thrive and be as beautiful and healthy as yours, after this type of tragedy that your family is enduring. You are so blessed... and doing a FANTASTIC job being authentic. Thank-you!
Mother Wendy :-)

Mama_Bear_Sarah said...

i think your kids hit the nail on the head and that they're both right. they have some amazing insights, Jackie. Bless them for their inability to think "logically" and go with what their guts and souls tell them.

K. said...

I know this is a really hard time of year for you, but I am just blown away by how healthy and thriving your children are. Clearly they need to be able to express their love for their dad in this way, and it's beautiful and healing for them. You're an awesome mom for allowing them to be in their reality with him like that, and I know that young children see things we don't. Many blessings to you all.

Anonymous said...

You are amazing and strong, and you and your family are in my thoughts.