one good thing

I haven't really been paying close attention to my 'one good thing' task lately. Yesterday, however, was such a beautiful day. I haven't felt like planting the garden since everything exploded but I know that I would regret it in the Summer.
Olivia and I planted the majority of our seedlings, the scarlet runner beans around the base of the bean tepee, and laid boards in a grid pattern in the veggie garden. Olivia and Briar planted sunflower seeds (Jeff's favourite) in the front yard.
My great friend, Marnie, and her little ones came over for a playdate. She mowed the lawn, her husband dropped off a new playhouse for the kids AND she helped scrub the deck and tidy up inside while the kids ran around outside. Although, I haven't felt social at all, it was so nice working beside someone and not having to talk. I wasn't so alone but didn't have to discuss the minutiae of my emotions, etc. Definitely a good thing.

Huh?

I can't keep my mind on the ball. I am always off in some far away land or 'zoned out' as Liv is fond of saying. I overfill the bathtub causing a flood in the spare bedroom downstairs. I call people the wrong names. I book two important appointments at the same time on the same day. I can't remember my phone number. I can't remember if I fed the dogs today, yesterday or two days ago. It's lucky that my kids can tell me when they're hungry, I guess. Please come back brain, I miss you too.
My one good thing today came in the form of an insect. I was making toast this morning and it dropped from somewhere above me onto the counter. We all sat and looked at it for a long time. Liv counted its' spots and declared that this was how you tell the age of a ladybug. After a little while, she told me that the ladybug was a 'present from daddy'. There were ladybugs all over the church on the day of Jeff's funeral and one clung to Liv's funeral program for a good fifteen minutes. They will always remind me of that day now but to Liv they remind her of her daddy....and that is good. I just wish it was a more positive memory. But my one good thing is how she can turn something so hard into something so beautiful. Kids are amazing. Liv is truly amazing.

enough is enough

I admit it. I am depressed. Clinically, situationally, whatever anyone wants to diagnose me as. Depressed.

It sucks. Brutally, royally sucks....And for some reason, I am embarrassed. I don't know if I am humiliated by the weakness that this affliction shows or by the possibility that I am "unfixable" or broken.

After the birth of Briar, I was prescribed antidepressants and attended meetings with a therapist who dealt with post-partum depression. I had been feeling "normal" for quite sometime and had been working with the doctor as I was weaned off the meds.....Then Jeff "bought the farm" (SO sick of using "died", "passed", "left us", etc. I don't think he'd mind if I used more colourful euphemisms...especially if they make me giggle...). His abrupt departure meant the end to my declining medication. I have stayed at the dose I was then. A bloody high dose.

I have been at a point a few times since he "went belly up" where I thought I could resume the lowering of my meds. But since we've moved, that phenomenon has halted all together.

I don't know what has changed aside from working outside the home, Liv attending school, not having my sister or Marnie close by, and the much higher living expenses....Okay, I suppose a lot of shit has changed.

There are truly wonderful things about being here....the beach, the community, the cooler weather....

But I want my garden and my crafts. I want to hang with my kiddos. I want time to sit in the chicken yard and gaze at the "Girlz". I want to again focus on my photography and sewing dresses.

But that time has passed and I have to move on.

I keep focusing on the negative when I should just suck that shit up and move on. I DO NOT want to feel this way. Sad, pathetic, useless, needy.

So I am forcing myself to pull up these bloody itchy socks and face this "Depression Dude" with a sneer on my lips while flipping the bird in his ugly mug.

I have an appointment with my beloved therapist who has agreed to take me on again. I will not allow myself to wallow in the negative (for every bloody issue on my list, I am going to force myself to write something.....happy) and I am making myself go back to my one-good-thing exercise. I don't have the time to do this....But I need to make the time, because I think I am going insane.

I am realizing that it's a damn good thing that I keep this blog. It has chronicled this insidious spiral downward while I was unaware of its' happening. But last night, I sat here and read my posts from the last few months.....and, dude, it was a depressing read.

So wish me luck, I am going to push off from the bottom and attempt to head back up to the surface.

Thank you for all your support, my blogosphere buddies. You rock.

chickens & soap

We had a bit of a better day. I am trying to find one good thing each day. Today it was chicks. Liv asked me to get her some birdseed to fill the feeder she and Jeff had made a week before he died. I stopped at the local feed store and found these little ones. People walking by must have thought I was deranged....I watched them laughing with tears streaming down my face for a good twenty minutes. I'd laugh because they were so funny falling asleep where they stood. Then cry thinking of the chicken coop plans that Jeff had made sitting in his workshop. Laugh at their jostling for heat under the lamp. Cry thinking that Liv was so excited to get chickens and now we weren't. Laugh as they gobbled up their chick food. Cry because I am so sad about everything. Laugh because I knew Jeff would want me to. Cry. Laugh. Cry. Laugh. Anyhow, I ended up ordering four Buff Orpington chicks. I decided that we need something to look forward to around here.

Also, I embarassed myself at the bank today. I think it's a bit funny but at the same time, I am sure it's odd. I am paraphrasing the conversation here:

Bank lady (who now knows who I am because of my grief stricken arrival a few days after Jeff's death): "How are you?......"

Me: "Okay. I can't use the soap."

Bank lady: "What?"

Me: "I can't use the soap because I know that Jeff was the last one to touch it and I don't want to wash him off."

Bank lady: "Oh."

Me: "Sorry, that was weird. I just told the bank lady something weird."

Bank lady: "That's okay."

Me: *shuffles away feeling like a moron*

Anyhow, I have had a few tears today but not as many as yesterday. I know this is going to take awhile but one breath at a time, right?

P.S. I do use some soap. Just not the one Jeff last used. I don't want you to think I'm gross.

25 random things

I have received this in my facebook mailbox more times than I can count. I have yet to do it or anysort of 'meme', so I thought I'd do it for fun here on the blog.....*staring at the screen unsure of any points of interest in my life*

1. If I could eat only one food for the rest of my life, it would be yogourt and granola, my standard breakfast fare.

2. We have a beaver in our backyard. Just weeks before Jeff died, he had informed me of this. I hadn't seen it in the months since his death and had actually began to think that it was one of those jokes he LOVED to play on my poor gullible mind. (While working on gear in a harbour, he once told me that the sound of the howling wind past the buildings was actually the sound of whales stuck in the harbour from the storm. I believed him. I'm not 'stupid', I just always think that people are telling the truth. He adored playing these tricks on me.) Suddenly this week, Liv excitedly announced to me that there was a beaver lounging in the sun on the other side of the back fence. She was right! It's silly, but I was so pleased to know that it was there. I felt a connection to Jeff and the last bit of time before he was taken. I love my beaver. *snicker* (The above picture is of the beaver through the bushes...Hard to see but there....)

3. I've never had a cavity. This is good because of number 6. I once locked myself in the bathroom and then told the dentist I would bite him if he came any closer when he was going to remove my wisdom teeth. In my defence, I was only 12.
4. My first car was a white '68 Volkswagen bug. I painted green paisleys on the exterior and handprints and footprints on the interior. It had no floor. My grandfather and I built one out of plywood. I feel that Bugs are the ultimate vehicle. They can honestly be fixed with safety pins and elastic bands. I learned a lot about mechanics from that car. I installed an emergency brake, clutch and two generators (yes, generators. not alternators). I had so many adventures with that car including having it as my place of residence for a time with a former boyfriend.

5. I have let fear of trying, fear of the unknown, fear of judgement dictate too many things in my life. I am reaching an age or stage that fear no longer inhibits my desire to try something. Childcare is the largest hindrance at this stage. One day, I'll be the most adventurous and able seventy year old I know. Fuck fear!
Speaking of fear, spiders, snakes and heights do not scare me. But I am terrified of needles. There was a time in my life that the sight of a syringe could cause me to faint in seconds....The idea that the universe goes on forever kind of freaks me out too. Not sure why. It's one of those things that I don't like to think about.
6. I'd prefer to go out in public with a child's rendition of an orange cat painted on my face than something stuck in my teeth or a boogie stuck in my nose. Maybe it's because I know the creation is adorning my face or maybe I just dislike exhibiting normal bodily functions. Who knows?
7. I love chickens. You all know this. But I thought I'd state the obvious again. Chickens are awesome pets. Chickens rock.

8. When I first met Jeff, I hated him. I thought he was loud and obnoxious. I was right. BUT he was also kind, funny, loving and generous.

9. My favourite stress release is chopping wood. I love swinging the ax hard, splitting the one piece into two and having it stick into the chopping block. Success. Strength. Control. Destruction. Fabulous relief.

10. I respect people who tell the truth. I have great difficulty associating with people who do not recognize honesty as one of the most important virtues. I am ridiculously gullible and will believe most of what is told to me. When I find out that I was deceived, I find it confusing and upsetting. (Unless it was a joke in good fun.)

11. I am a procrastinator with a short attention span. This makes it extremely difficult to finish any project that I have set up for myself in this remarkably small window of time. I recently read my grade two report card in which it was reported that I had a hard time staying 'on task'. It is interesting to me that I have had this issue for most, if not all, my life. (I haven't worked much on this cross-stitch in weeks....I am trying to stay focused but....)

12. I love to read. As a 'tween', I would read everything and anything I could get my hands on. This would get me into trouble because I wouldn't do my homework...I was too busy reading. It was not unheard of for me to go through a 300 page book in one day.
13. While playing house as a little one, my husband was always 'Ponch' from CHiPS. My friend, Lila's husband was always Jon from CHiPS as well. I secretly thought she was getting the raw deal.
14. I'm named after my grandfather. So is Briar. His middle name is Jack. Grandpa and I called each other 'Bub'. 15. I have a terrible memory. Fighting it drives me insane. I've decided that I need to look ahead and to not worry so much about what I forgot that was behind me. People may think I'm insane and have forgotten key moments but I'll be mentally peaceful. Now if I can remember to remember my decision.

16. I don't like raisins. I can eat them 'raw'. But when they are plump and cooked in food, they make me feel nauseous.

17. I love to create. Crafting, drawing and sewing are when I am at my happiest. I feel complete. I feel able and passionate. This shows in my craft area. It regularly is cleaned and organized only to be in complete turmoil the next day as some new project overtakes me.
18. I have always lived on the island. My children are actually fifth generation islanders. This is rare to those of you who have never been here. I have travelled to many countries and have enjoyed myself immensely but I love home the best. Although, if I had to pick another country to live in, I'd chose Scotland....or Norway.

19. I'm left handed. Did you know that a higher percentage of the prison population is left handed than within outside society? These hands are almost always cold. So are my feet and my nose. I always say that these are the things that are farthest from the warmth of my body.

20. I can knit a straight line. This makes it possible to knit scarves. Doll blankets. Hats if knitting with circular needles. BUT I am envious of people who can knit socks. I SO WANT to knit socks for my eternally cold feet but my issues with procrastination, inability to stay 'on task' and terrible memory make it impossible.
21. I love nothing better than to lay with my little ones bodies cosy in the crook of my arm and snuggle down for a warm nap on a wintry afternoon after reading a book. Heaven.


22. I struggle with patience. I believe that I was more able to keep cool and calm before Jeff died. I don't completely know if this is an accurate perception but I do feel that I have a MUCH shorter fuse than before. I am less able to remember that they are little ones who need me to show them by actions rather than by telling by words all the time. I don't think I'm as good a mother as I was before. My mothering was a source of pride before. Now I worry that I am not great for this job. I worry that they will bear mental scars not just from witnessing the death of their daddy but scars from the impatience and sadness of their mother. I am NOT the mother I had planned to be. I should really start saving for therapy for them now.

23. My feet, at size 10 and now 11, seem to have grown to even larger proportions in the last few years. Jeff called them 'flipper-like feet'.

24. I dislike tiny purses. It makes proportions just strange.

25. I am a boring eater. I find one thing I like and stick to it. This includes the fare at restaurants. If I've eaten it before and enjoyed it, I never veer from ordering it again. I can't handle spicy foods. Calamari and equally questionable looking foods scare me. I can't watch as others eat them. This was especially interesting having Jeff as a husband. He was an adventurous eater. He would eat extremely questionable foods and implore me to try them too. I would stick with my regular foods and be quite happy.

Some recent pictures and news...

So Jeff is now 45 years old. His birthday was on the 16th. Olivia and I made a cake, Briar grew a tooth and Jeff and I went for dinner while our friend, Sheila, (Angus' mom) watched the kids.
Olivia has been pretty excited that Spring has begun and is very enthusiastically pointing out every possible 'sign of Spring'. Today, she and I had a little Spring tea party and decorated the front walk saying 'Welcome Spring' with chalk-drawn flowers, plants and animals.
Briar has begun standing briefly by himself. He has gotten very fast in the crawling department and stands while holding onto furniture and cruising every waking moment. I have to remember to close all the toilet lids after finding him splashing in the bowl. Good thing he has a very anal mother regarding cleaning....(No pun intended...)
Jeff is still working on various activities on the boat. He's pretty tired when he gets home. I do think he likes this job, though. He likes to be busy.
I am freaking out a bit anticipating our iminent move. I know it will be easier than last time seeing as I won't be 8 months pregnant and Jeff should be home to help, but I HATE moving. The only thing good about moving is that you get rid of things that you don't use. I LOVE that feeling. Pretty soon we won't have anything...Okay, that's a gross exaggeration, but I really am realizing that we have WAY more than we need. I have been purging since we last moved and I still manage to find things that don't have a spot in our house anymore. Are they multiplying?????
The dogs are doing well but I am concerned that Eli is going a bit blind. My poor guy seems to have developed a fear of the island in the kitchen and will do his utmost to avoid it. I can't explain this sudden fear. He will timidly walk past it if I go with him but otherwise, he'll take a 'longcut' through the livingroom even though he knows that he isn't allowed. It's hard not to laugh watching him gingerly creep through the livingroom with his ears and head down watching you through the corner of his eye trying to avoid detection in the 'NO DOG ZONE'. It's like he's thinking 'Don't see me. Don't see me. Don't see me.'
Well, I am off to bed now that the little ones are asleep....and the big hairy one (not the dogs)....
Olivia's imitation of a piece of paper....

This face reminded me of the monkey face you make when you put an orange peel in your mouth...You know what I mean, right?
Freckles LOVES any attention. Including camera attention.
Not Eli. He does not like his picture taken. Odd. He looks away almost everytime. Do you think it's the flash?

Briar cooking up a Desert Storm....
Mommy's little cowgirl on her noble stead that Daddy built for her...
Grandma and Briar share a snuggle....
Now THAT is tired!! Imagine falling asleep with your mouth full!!!
Our Spring Celebration Tea Party. Peppermint tea and chocolate heart cookies.

These pictures aren't in the order that I had hoped but this is the "After" picture from Jeff's birthday. For those of you who didn't know, Jeff was refraining from shaving and haircuts since December or January until his 45th birthday. Many people asked "Why?". I say "because he can"? (Jeff finds amusement in ways that the general public finds confusing...)
Pre-Birthday haircut and shave....
Liv picked out the candles for the cake. (I only now noticed that the '5' is backwards. Pretty awesome for a four year old!)
Hiding Daddy's present (a Louie Lamore book and a case of beer...she couldn't carry the case of beer herself...)

"What? Yeah, I can cook!"

I know I put tonnes of these pictures on but I just could decide which one I liked the best. You can just see what he's thinking! It's lucky that we have such a mellow cat!
Must...Get....WWWWWWhiskers!!!!!
Oh, look! A sign of Spring!!!
Me and the sign of Spring!!!

JJJJJust a BBBBit FFFFFFFurtherrrrrrrrr......
Doesn't he look like a little boy?! I swear he morphed into a toddler in hyper speed. What happened to my tiny baby boy?
Man, is she cute! What a lucky mommy I am. I sometimes look at our kids and am amazed by what a gift they are. I love them so much, I could *POP*!
Yup, I even thinks she's cute here....

P.S. I had my hair fixed at the hair dresser the other day. Much better.... I am just happy that Liv didn't cut my hair to the scalp....I'd have to go all 'Britney bald'.

one good thing today

Today I smiled...really truly inside smile. Not just the pseudo 'See-I'm-doing-okay' outward variety.

I had just left Jeff's workshop with a wrench to fix the hose nozzle under the deck when I passed a little goldfinch on the railing. It just sat there and watched me walk by. I was about 20 cm away from it. This was pretty cool because we've just started having these little goldfinches at our feeder this week for the Spring. The cat even gets really close to them! They are so fearless and sweet. The other day I even saw a little male with all it's bright yellow breeding plumage already intact! I can't wait to see more of them.

Anyhow, I went to the backyard to undo the nozzle. I was bent over the hose when I suddenly felt fluttering on the back of my neck. I thought it was a bug and went to shoo it away. It was the little goldfinch trying to land on my neck!! I looked up and saw it perch on the deck railing above my head.

It made me smile. It made me feel special - like only those little brushes with nature can make you feel.

*P.S. I didn't take this picture. It's one I got off the internet since my camera is still broken...I'm going to check it out tomorrow. I am feeling very naked without it.*

I dream of Jeffrey

I had a dream of Jeff last night. He had left a message on my cellphone singing me the song we had danced to at our wedding ('Into the Mystic' by Van Morrison). At the end, he told me that he didn't have much time and to call him back as soon as I could.

He met me at some farm somewhere. He told me he had been fishing. I was laughing and crying and holding him. I was telling him that I had thought he was dead and had had a funeral for him and Oh! how I had missed him. He held me and laughed while I buried my face in his chest. I held him and hugged him and I swear I could smell him. I was so happy.

It was amazing and wonderful. I didn't want to let him go.

Then...I woke up....the world came down crashing again. Olivia was having one of her recent nightmares and was crying out for me. For a moment, I was so happy thinking what a wonderful mistake it had all been....Then, I remembered. It was just so real. I hope I have another dream like that of him soon.

I'm going to call my dream my one good thing today. I can't find much else. I feel so alone without him. There are so many things I want to tell him.

one good thing...or five

Who knew that five fluffy little bodies could bring such joy and giggles back into this house? If it only lasts an hour (which it won't - it will last much longer), it will be worth it. The kids are overjoyed to have our little buff orpington chicks home. We have sat gazing at them for hours today. I wish that Jeff could see how the chicks light up Liv's little face. She is like a little mother hen....extremely protective. She has become the 'ruler of the chickens'. She wants to sleep next to the chicken box. They are extremely cute.

a few things

There are some things that haven't made it into any of my recent posts but I think are of interest to at least some of you. So here is an update on all things around here....

• I bought my plane ticket to San Diego!!! There are a few more steps before I am actually AT the conference, but I am on my way. I am so thoroughly excited! Thank you everyone who has helped. I could not have done this without you!! You guys rock!


• The chicks we hatched are still alive and growing daily. We aren't as connected with these little ones, however, as they spend the majority of their time locked away in the spare bedroom in the basement under lock and key to keep them away from the waiting jaws of Fuckles the poultry serial killer. They should be able to join the mass chicken population in two weeks. We're pretty excited to get to know them better!


• I passed my firearms training! The written portion of the exam by 94% and the practical portion with 100% (the perfect score is a mystery to me, actually, because I accidentally `fired`the lever action rifle....Good bloody thing that it was dummy ammo! The instructor told me that because I had it pointed in the `safe direction`he had indicated, there were no points taken off....Hmmmm, these gun people are a different lot. But I didn`t argue. He had a GUN for goodness sakes!)
• I had so much more that I had intended to write, but...well, the distractability thing has come up and I cannot for the life of me think what else....Oh wait, the bloody cross-stitch. (Thanks, Josie!) Remember this...Well, it still looks just like that. In my defence, I did a large portion since, but then I realized that I had messed up by one stitch, tore it all out and haven`t been back since. Every night, I think, ``Oh, I should enjoy a quiet night stitching with a cup of tea and a good show.`` Then, the kids go to bed and I fall into a nonsensical (real wordÉ) stupor and fall asleep beside them....This is also the reason that my legs are in need of real deforestation and I have five unfinished books on the go.
• And on a parting note, I`ll leave you with this truly awesome quote that helps me to not feel so guilty about all the thoughts and ideas that I`ve had that have gone without being followed through and makes me believe that other people may also suffer from knowing how they want their lives to look but unable to make it a reality. Hypocrites all of us!...

It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
Alfred Adler

P.S. SuddenWidow, I went to your blog to contact you, but couldn't find an email address. If you need to talk or need anything that I can provide, please, please let me know. I'll be thinking of you...

uses for a dog

I come from a 'non-dog family'. It's not that anyone in my family dislikes dogs; it's more that they don't....know dogs. Dogs are seen as more work. Work to pay for their care. Work to clean up after. Work to pay attention to.

Growing up, I wanted a dog so unbearably I would have shovelled literal mountains of their 'lawn chocolates', gone into child labour at a toxic plastics factory to pay for their kibble or stolen someone's beloved canine from their fenced yard and claimed that it followed me home willingly just to spend a few hours pretending this dog was 'mine'.

When visiting my father's parents, who were dog-people, I'd walk their black, toy-poodle, Cindy, with my tiny chest puffed with smug pride. I'd rejoice when a passerby would stop to ask questions about this tiny pup. Pretending Cindy was mine made me feel loved. I could imagine, almost taste, what it would feel to be so very loved by an animal.

I gloried in tales about all things canine. I studied dog-care books, poured over novels with pet puppies hidden in their pages and put myself to sleep fantasizing about having one of my own one day.

When I became an adult, one of my first actions was to find a dog for me. I wanted one who needed me as much as I needed him. I found Eli. Not once did I ever regret having him in my life....not once. When someone would suggest that my life may be easier if I didn't have a hyper, energetic, furry dependent to care for as well as myself, I would teeter between annoyance at the misunderstanding that this dog was perceived as 'not my family' and smug humour knowing that they did not understand the love that this dog fulfilled in my heart.
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Years later after Liv had been born, Freckles arrived on our doorstep. Our attempts to find his true and original owners failed. We offered to foster him for the SPCA until his 'people' showed up....They never arrived. During this time, that silly blond worked his way into our home and our hearts. He was forever at our heels...or stopping in just the spot you intended to walk. He filled a hole we didn't even know was waiting for him....even if he chewed that hole while we were out.

Now, for the very first time in my adult life, I am without a canine companion. In the last few days since Freckles passing, I have noticed all the things that a dog is 'good for'. I've realized that although he occasionally often drove me nuts, Freckles was always on my mind. Dictating the time we were needed at home to let him out. Determing how many plastic bags lined my pockets to pick up his 'deposits'. Causing me to fall back to sleep reassured when I've heard a strange noise in the night.

Tonight as I picked up the wayward dinner dandruff off the floor for the first time in 17 years, I mentally made a resume of sorts for a household dog:

Career Objectives

To obtain 'employment' in a warm, safe, active and well-fed pack

Skills

Security - Not only can I alert you to any out-of-the-ordinary occurrances, I can protect you should the need arise. Just as you protect me from the elements and from starvation, I will protect you from any harm that I am capable of fending off.

In my presence, you will feel more comfortable and secure. You will know that in a room of judges, I will find you innocent no matter what you have done.

Sleep-Aid - My soft snoring throughout the night will assure you that all is well. When you rouse from your sleep to get a glass of water or check the locks, I will accompany you. You will know that if I am asleep, all is well.

Maid - Although some of us do have moments in our lives where we display our joy or discomfort with acts of destruction, most of us earn a portion of our keep by joining the clean-up crew. If a portion of your meal, be it a plateful or a measly crumb, drops to the floor, I will clean it up without any insistence from you. In my presence, you will never have to tidy up the baby's attempts at a career in food fighting. You do enough for us, I'll take care of it.
Heater - Whether the power goes out or you get stuck in a snowbank, I'll be there with my warm, wiggly body to keep you comfortable. I'll reassure you with my warm kisses that it'll be alright, because we are together. Nothing can hurt us, or freeze us, with me at your side.

Clown - I have a fabulous sense of humour. You may not be laughing as you turn to see me with my four paws splaying against the slippery wood on the dock with the last reachable line clenched between my teeth as the boat floats three metres from the pier....But you will later.

Counsellor - Over our time spent as a pack, you will unfortunately have to deal with some form of heart ache. I take it as my personal quest to be your confidante, counsellor and shoulder. I will tell no one of your humiliations, failures or heartbreaks. In fact, I will view each one of these episodes as triumphs. In my eyes, you can do no wrong....ever.

Expected Wages

In payment for my devotion, loyalty and love, I ask for only a few small things in return. Food, a bed, companionship and love. I am willing to share these with you - I am the sharing type.

The work that some complain of in the care of a dog is really in their own heads and of their own preference...I couldn't care less if you clean up my fur. It actually makes the floor softer. I don't mind if there is poop in the backyard - It IS outdoors afterall! I know that you will find that you may want to take care of these issues....I'll keep you company, I promise. It's the whole lack-of-opposable-thumb-thing that is hindering my abilities. Don't hold my disability against me, please.....

**This post contains photos of all the dogs in our lives....Although Eli and Freckles are gone to be with their 'daddy', the rest of our furry friends are alive and well to play with when we can. Thank you Cedar, Rufus, Diesel and Gangster for your licks and loving! We love you right back....