Friday, April 04, 2008

chickens & soap

We had a bit of a better day. I am trying to find one good thing each day. Today it was chicks. Liv asked me to get her some birdseed to fill the feeder she and Jeff had made a week before he died. I stopped at the local feed store and found these little ones. People walking by must have thought I was deranged....I watched them laughing with tears streaming down my face for a good twenty minutes. I'd laugh because they were so funny falling asleep where they stood. Then cry thinking of the chicken coop plans that Jeff had made sitting in his workshop. Laugh at their jostling for heat under the lamp. Cry thinking that Liv was so excited to get chickens and now we weren't. Laugh as they gobbled up their chick food. Cry because I am so sad about everything. Laugh because I knew Jeff would want me to. Cry. Laugh. Cry. Laugh. Anyhow, I ended up ordering four Buff Orpington chicks. I decided that we need something to look forward to around here.
Also, I embarassed myself at the bank today. I think it's a bit funny but at the same time, I am sure it's odd. I am paraphrasing the conversation here:
Bank lady (who now knows who I am because of my grief stricken arrival a few days after Jeff's death): "How are you?......"
Me: "Okay. I can't use the soap."
Bank lady: "What?"
Me: "I can't use the soap because I know that Jeff was the last one to touch it and I don't want to wash him off."
Bank lady: "Oh."
Me: "Sorry, that was weird. I just told the bank lady something weird."
Bank lady: "That's okay."
Me: *shuffles away feeling like a moron*
Anyhow, I have had a few tears today but not as many as yesterday. I know this is going to take awhile but one breath at a time, right?
P.S. I do use some soap. Just not the one Jeff last used. I don't want you to think I'm gross.


Anonymous said...

You're awesome Dude!! Love you!

Anonymous said...

i would do the same thing. keep writing

Poppy & Mei said...


Rach said...

so pleased to hear from you! xxx

Krista said...

You're completely amazing. And I'm guessing that's Marnie up there, with the "dude"... hahaha. Love to you.

Anonymous said...

I can totally understand your thing with the soap! My Dad had stage 4 cancer and we never know when it is going to take a turn for the worse. I can't erase his phone messages off my answering machine. It is something to hold onto, the sound of his voice, or for you maybe one of the smells of Jeff.

Sherri said...

If that is weird, than so am I. My father died a year ago from cancer. His winter jacket and hat are hanging on my back porch. I have never washed it and I go out and smell it when I miss him. Weird, right?
I also have half a garage full of various items of his that I am having a tough time sorting through, even now.
I get it.