Tuesday, June 23, 2009


Occasionally, I am now bouyed by a lightness and happiness that I can't explain. I worry at times that I have 'lost the plot' so to speak. That I'm a nut job about to slip over the edge. I mean, really, I've had a shite of a last year. I lost my husband/best friend, my sweet and wonderful grandfather and my beloved 15 year old dog. I am scraping to make ends meet. I am alone. My kids are somewhat damaged from the monumental changes in their short little lives....But somedays, inexplicably, I am happy.
I feel traitorous saying that and even worry that some people will misinterpret these pockets of joy thinking that I don't miss Jeff with every breath I take while wishing he were here to enjoy these upswings and bubbles of bliss.
In fact, I only think that it is because of the loss of Jeff that I can feel this. Before he died, I was bogged down with worry about vacuous and frivolous shit. I could see how I had been wronged in every situation. I could find fault and anger everywhere. I am still 'blessed' with this ridiculous and terrible gift....but I am also learning to be able to turn it off. I am concentrating so hard on trying to see the positive, to feel joy, to search for the good in an effort to not drown in grief, that I am learning to shut out that sinister and nepharious self-destructive voice. When that voice is silent, I feel joy. Pure, warm joy. I can feel sadness and pain alongside it, but I can still turn my face to the light and smile. This, the ability to force myself to stare through rose-coloured glasses, has been the largest gift that Jeff has given me....it is just such a shame that it has been in the loss of him that I have found this gift. I wish we could have shared our life together with this realization in mind....and not just the cognitive recognition of this, but the actual realization that I have had since losing my love.


Single Parent Dad said...

You are simply a positive person, appreciative of all you have, even though your path to it has been severely rough, long may that attitude remain.

Marissa said...

i like this post and i thank you for writing it. this year i too have discovered some of your same feelings of positive thoughts & have stopped reeling over the frivolous nd i know first-hand how freeing it can feel. i pray the guilt over sometimes feeling at peace dissipates & that you begin to feel it more & more often. please stop worrying about what others think - this is your path & shame on anyone who defines how you live or grieve... and i'm sure there are very few, if any, who are judging you for your happiness. love to you today, and everyday!

Hawkfeather said...

i dunno Jackie- sometimes it seems that the happiness people express is just that an expression.

People generally speaking really do seem to float around waiting to be really truly happy-
once they get the bigger house- the better job.. once the weekend comes.. how ever big or small the *thing*.. there always seems to be one.

I can't speak for anyone else- but i know when I hear you say you can feel happy some times- it doesn't touch (on ANY level) how much I feel you miss or Love Jeff.

You being able to find even passing moments of joy in life seems to me to be the absolute most beautiful and pure gift you could offer him-

I don't think we should beat ourselves up for what we feel.. weather sad- or happy or anything- just dive in and let it penetrate!

yer super fly momma.

Anonymous said...

It's OK to be happy!

Anonymous said...

I agree with Anonymous ^^ - don't feel guilty for being happy. Jeff would want you to be happy, right? And you can miss someone horribly and still feel positive about the other things.

Anonymous said...

Hi Jackie,

How wonderful. It's been a long, hard struggle (and it's not over yet), but you are experiencing the blessings of misery. Sounds like you are living in the moment, appreciating all the little things that constitute true happiness. I am so happy for you. I'm so grateful you've honestly shared your experience with us over the past year.


leigh in the sav said...

i'm thrilled to read this. for you.

simple appreciation for life and people is underrated.

indybarb said...

Dear Jackie:

You are learning to live in the moment which is what life is really about.....and all we really have. It's what children do naturally, and what we should do as adults (more often and whenever possible) Have you read the book by Eckert Tolle called "The New Earth" or his book titled "The Power of Now"? These are books about the subject and they are SO interesting. Hope this note finds you happily singing a happy tune today and that your Angelina lips have de-poofed! Hang in there Jackie. You are truly an amazing woman, I know it and I don't really know you, I can just feel it.