Wednesday, June 03, 2009

what you're missing

My love,
I've been trying to not keep score. To not notice the events that have passed. The moments you have missed....But my attemtps have been futile. With every new milestone, with every new experience, I note your absence.
Briar has had two birthdays without his daddy now. How did that happen? TWO birthdays? He is only three. You were here for the day of his birth and his first birthday. It breaks my heart that he won't remember you. We talk about you often to ensure that he grows with a sense of who you are and ,hopefully, reinforces the memories that he DOES have of you.
Yesterday, he started at Farmhands with Liv AND his first set of swimming lessons. He was so proud to show me the 'rocket ship hands' that his instructor had shown him. He rode the pony at Farmhands and grinned the entire time he was atop his stead.
The week before you died, you taught Liv how to ride her bike without training wheels. I am so thankful for this tangible connection she will always have to you. When you died, she balked at getting on her bike without the training wheels for a very long time. Suddenly, she has become confident with her biking skills again and is so enthusiastic to ride for such long periods of time. She'd like to have a 'bike riding party' with her friends.
You became a grandfather last week. It saddens me so that your daughter, Jessie, will never have you grin at her with pride over the little babe she brought into the world and that this little boy will grow up never meeting the silly and loving man that was his grampie. That he won't experience the incessant teasing that you are known for and the comfort of your all-encompassing embrace.
I hope that, in some way, you are out there experiencing all these events with each one of us. Sharing in each joy and staying close to us with each painful experience.
You are so missed and each new happening highlights the void you left. We all love you.

8 comments:

Hudson-WI said...

Beautiful post, Jackie. Wishing you the best day possible.

darcie said...

::hugs to you and the kids::

Single Parent Dad said...

What a nice way to collect all that together, and I'm sure he already knew.

Take care.

Llyn said...

You're such a talented writer!
Every time you write about Jeff and the love you have for him, you make him alive for everyone of us.
Thoughts for you and your kiddos.

Shana said...

I've been reading your blog for a few months now and I always want to post, but then end up having an incredible lack of ability to come up with the right words. I just want you to know that you have someone on the shores of Lake Superior, who you don't know whatsoever, who thinks of you daily and who is very thankful to have the privilege of getting to read your beautiful blog. You are clearly a wonderful mother and even though you may not realize it, you are an incredibly inspiring human being. I am so sorry that your Jeff is no longer here to see all of these wonderful events first hand. I hope that your children will be able to read this blog someday because you have done an awesome job telling the story of your life with him here, and this blog will no doubt be a source of comfort to your kids in the future.

xoxo
Shana
~a mom in Wisconsin

Rach said...

A beautiful letter to Jeff. Just lovely. Sending you love.

sarahsmithinaustin@yahoo.com said...

rendered nearly without words...nearly...

your love for jeff is beautiful to read about & your children are both so lucky to have grown up with that. love being sent to you from austin, texas, where i read about your sweet family and am in awe.

blueskies2day said...

He really sounds like such a magical man. He would be immensley proud of you all, I'm so sure x