not me monday

I always mow the lawn. I have never stared at the copious amounts of brilliant yellow dandelion flowers dotting our lawn and declared that they were too beautiful to mow thus allowing me to get out of a dreaded job. Not me.

I don't ever listen to some fabulous song and imagine myself dancing fabulously in time with the music and being the object of other's jealous stare because of my girating abilities. Never.

I make sure that I don't have spider legs protruding from my bathing suit and that my armpits are always perfectly hairless before accompanying my children to the swimming pool. I don't feel the need to ensure that my lower half is always submerged thus hiding my hairiness and attempt to keep my underarms from being exposed during aquatic activities such as ball throwing or lifting children from the pool. Not ever.

I have never regretted sending my kids to their own beds and lain awake missing their warm little bodies breathing loudly forcing me to go and either retrieve them from the warm cocoons transplanting them into mine or climbing into their cozy little beds to have them nuzzle up against me in their sleep. I would never do that.

I have never forgotten a word while speaking to someone that intimidates me and instead used a word that just suddenly pops into my head as a substitute all the while hearing it slip from my lips knowing full well that it has absolutely no relevance to this conversation and then hoped that they didn't notice what a dumbass I am. NOT me!

I never, ever am such an idiot. Not me.