I still waffle on my beliefs. One moment I am sure that there is something 'more'. Something unexplainable. Intangible but there. That when I try to imagine what makes 'me' me and 'you' you, I know that there is more. That there is no way that this is 'it'. That there is mystery in life and that love or its' energy is eternal. That nothing ever really ends.
Then there are times that I am just as positive that we consist of nothing more than the primates we are. That this is it. We are biological creatures and that all the coincidences and questions in life are explainable if we look hard enough with open eyes. That there are so many interactions and events happening at any given moment that there are bound to be some that are 'amazing' and seemingly 'unbelievable'. That every emotion and thought can be explained away by hormones and chemical reactions. And that nothing ever ends because we have children and our bodies and waste exists to be carried on as compost...
I go round and round. I can't find heads or tails and I spin myself around in a fucking tizzy. I know I won't find the answer...yet.
I just so HOPE that Jeff is there...here. That I one day will have him hold me in some form again. That he will know just how completely I loved him. That I realize now how stupid most of the shit I worried about was. That I wish I could go back and just be with him. That I let my ego get in the way. That I realize that I spent such a ridiculously inordinate amount of time attempting to see how I could feel 'wronged' or pissed off. We were happy. But I think we could have been happier. And that kills me. That I could have spent that time with him...without all the fucking mental bullshit. He was my anchor. The best thing that ever happened to me. My soul-mate. My best friend. He KNEW me. Really knew me...and he thought I was fabulous. And I took that for granted. I will forever regret my anger, my ego and the waste of time spent on ridiculousness.
I miss having him reflect back to me how he saw me. To see myself through his eyes. To see the kindness, the anger, the vulnerability and quirkiness. And he thought it was great...even when I felt fearful and put up my wall of false bravado. He saw through it and giggled. He knew me. I was safe. He loved me no matter what I did....And I loved him so intensely no matter what he did. I just so very, very much hope he knew that.
I know I write about this so often...I just feel the guilt of the one left behind. And I miss him. So I play back every one of the memories I have of him and I realize that I complained and stressed about shit that didn't matter....I had it good. We had fun. We were a happy family. Now I am alone with two little kids in a tail spin. I don't know which end is up. I don't know if this free-fall will stop. I am lost, lonely and empty. And it fucking sucks ass.
THE FIREHOUSE CHRONICLES – EPISODE 15
3 weeks ago