Saturday, October 11, 2008

I still waffle on my beliefs. One moment I am sure that there is something 'more'. Something unexplainable. Intangible but there. That when I try to imagine what makes 'me' me and 'you' you, I know that there is more. That there is no way that this is 'it'. That there is mystery in life and that love or its' energy is eternal. That nothing ever really ends.
Then there are times that I am just as positive that we consist of nothing more than the primates we are. That this is it. We are biological creatures and that all the coincidences and questions in life are explainable if we look hard enough with open eyes. That there are so many interactions and events happening at any given moment that there are bound to be some that are 'amazing' and seemingly 'unbelievable'. That every emotion and thought can be explained away by hormones and chemical reactions. And that nothing ever ends because we have children and our bodies and waste exists to be carried on as compost...
I go round and round. I can't find heads or tails and I spin myself around in a fucking tizzy. I know I won't find the answer...yet.
I just so HOPE that Jeff is That I one day will have him hold me in some form again. That he will know just how completely I loved him. That I realize now how stupid most of the shit I worried about was. That I wish I could go back and just be with him. That I let my ego get in the way. That I realize that I spent such a ridiculously inordinate amount of time attempting to see how I could feel 'wronged' or pissed off. We were happy. But I think we could have been happier. And that kills me. That I could have spent that time with him...without all the fucking mental bullshit. He was my anchor. The best thing that ever happened to me. My soul-mate. My best friend. He KNEW me. Really knew me...and he thought I was fabulous. And I took that for granted. I will forever regret my anger, my ego and the waste of time spent on ridiculousness.
I miss having him reflect back to me how he saw me. To see myself through his eyes. To see the kindness, the anger, the vulnerability and quirkiness. And he thought it was great...even when I felt fearful and put up my wall of false bravado. He saw through it and giggled. He knew me. I was safe. He loved me no matter what I did....And I loved him so intensely no matter what he did. I just so very, very much hope he knew that.
I know I write about this so often...I just feel the guilt of the one left behind. And I miss him. So I play back every one of the memories I have of him and I realize that I complained and stressed about shit that didn't matter....I had it good. We had fun. We were a happy family. Now I am alone with two little kids in a tail spin. I don't know which end is up. I don't know if this free-fall will stop. I am lost, lonely and empty. And it fucking sucks ass.


Krystal said...

He had to have known how much you loved him. I am sure he felt it every day. Just like you KNEW how he love you and felt about you....... He felt it too.
And I firmly beleive that you WILL see and be held by Jeff again.
(((((more hugs)))))

Danielle said...

I remember the day you and the kids were at our house and waited for Jeff to come home from the boat. He was getting dropped off and you were all driving back to Sooke. When Jeff got out of the truck and the two of you hugged, you could see the love between the two of you. He knew Jackie how much you loved him. He knew because he loved you just as much.
He is here with you! Believe.....

wendy said...

just stumbled upon your blog today and as i read this i just so wanted to tell you that there IS hope! that all of this around us didn't just happen. God created it and there is more than our life here. i see the realness of Him in my life and what he has done for me, in the lives of others that put their faith in him, in my children, and in everyday creation. i believe that things happen for a reason and many of those reasons we won't know or understand while we are here.
i pray that you will keep searching and that you will (if you haven't before) read the Bible to truly seek to find out more.
i hope you don't mind me commenting here...

Anonymous said...

Crash Course Widow said...

I understand completely on the wild waffling about what you believe. I did that incessantly myself the first year or two after Charley died. And I suppose I'm *still* waffling, because I still don't know what I really believe happens after we die. I guess after 3 years I must think I should have figured something out in that arena...but it's still so changeable from week to week, month to month. But at least the answer matters less to me, because the endless debates and conflicts over the past 3 years have only served to drive me batty.

Try not to beat yourself up too much. I know it's hard, but cut yourself some slack. Jeff wasn't perfect either, and as you said, he knew the real you. He knew how much he loved you and you him.

Hang in there. 6 months is a really shitty timeframe....


Kate said...

The love that you two had for each other and the love that you have for the children you created must leave some sort of energy behind. In that sense, whatever your beliefs are, I think that he is still there with you.

Kaylen said...

Your sadness is real, but your love for him is even more real. There is no way he did not know and feel this love.
He lives on in your children and will always be with you!!

indybarb said...

Dear Jackie:

It seems almost always when I read your blogs you touch on issues that have been so heavily on my mind in the recent days. It's almost weird.....but it shows me that we are all connected in some way.

The whole spiritual thing has been on my mind so much, and things at the library jump out at me to read or listen to, and most of it leaves me feeling that there absolutely, for sure, must be something more than this.

It is amazing that sometimes we can be so stuck in our "rightness" pointing out the "wrongness" all around us, and other times we have those totally magical "aha" moments where everything is right in the world. Almost like someone took our blinders off and suddenly everything becomes colorful and three dimensional, and more amazing, and we are able to see things through new eyes (like a child).

When I was little, about three or four, I had an imaginary friend. His name was Furry Johnson. He was an elderly man with a long gray beard, and kind blue eyes, and a slight build. I remember him being real and I thought it was a bit odd that nobody else could see him. Of course as I got a bit older I traded in my friendship with Furry for friendships with little people my own age. When I was in my 30's, my mother who I hadn't seen more than a half dozen times since I was five, asked me to tell her about Furry. I didn't have much to say about him but I did remember him and shared what I could. My Mom listened intently to what I did tell her and wanted to know more. Apparently it was quite obvious to my mother that Furry was REAL. Lots of kids have imaginary friends, but I often wonder if they are as real to these children as Furry was to me? This is definitely not proof that there is something more, but it is definitely food for thought. Perhaps Jeff is out there being an "imaginary" friend to some little person who needs someone around to make them laugh when their life is tough or lonely : )

Other things have happened to me over the years that have been so real, or amazing, or thought provoking, that make me believe that there has to be more that what we can see. I hope there is!

I'd like to believe, and I'm sure that you would too, that there will be a time when you and Jeff will be together again. We may not have all the answers "yet", but I think if you stay open to the possibilities, and experience all the magic that this world has to offer without shutting ourselves off from it, and don't get caught up in all the psycho junk that us women are so capable of creating, our time here will definitely be more enjoyable, as we await what is to come when this journey on earth has ended!

It's so wonderful that you got to be married to your best friend and share all that you did in the time you had. It sucks that Jeff isn't here physically for you any more, and I cannot imagine how huge your grief must be. I am, however, overjoyed that you have your Liv and Briar to share your journey with now. There will be such joy in that journey (as there already has been), and it seems that you are doing an amazing job of being a really incredible mother to them both.

Thank you Jackie for another really awesome, thought provoking, blog.

Hugs from Indiana,


darcie said...

Sending you hugs and wishing I could make some of the emptiness, some of the lonliness, just disappear. I am so very sorry Jackie -

13mimosa said...

You write about Jeff so beautifully. In the simplest of words I can tangibly feel what must have existed between you. I don't believe you could write about it so well, so perfectly, if it wasn't clear to him, to everyone how you feel and felt. We all envy a love like that, I can understand why you need to know he knew because we all marvel at a love like that. I"m sure that because he was lucky enough to have it, to have you, to have the children, I'm sure with all you say of him, he knew.

Jenell said...

Jackie mamma, I feel you. I went for a nature walk recently to try to find some answers and release my grief. Have you heard of Sobonfu Some? She's an African healer. Check this article out:

Thanks for sharing your life so candidly.