I went to an annual women's event in town with Marnie and a bunch of other girlfriends. Last year, Jeff was home. He stayed with the kids while I went out, drank too much and came home with silly stories. He thought it was hilarious and teased me mercilessly (I rarely drink and I go out in the evenings even less than that).
This year, I decided to go again. I was nervous because I feel, at times, that my new widow-status stands out like a sore thumb and makes me the person that people are uncomfortable around. The very strange thing was that when I sat down, I realized that I was seated beside a woman in an extremely similar position. It was wonderful to have someone who knew what this shit we now live is like. I look at her and see the sadness and loneliness mirrored back at me. But I also see strength....the strength that I so often feel I lack. I see humour. I see an amazing woman who is still standing despite it all...and I marvel at her.
As last year, we drank a bit more alcohol than we had planned. I am not a fan of overdrinking. I roll my eyes when people proudly tell stories of their drunkeness and think 'Wow! You can swallow!" I'm not proud. But I did have...well, quite a few.
It turns out though that I'm not the sad, widow drunk who talks about her grief. I am the annoying boring drunk who tells everyone to get life insurance. Tell their families that they love them. Don't smoke. Go to the doctor if you don't feel right. Try to keep perspective. That's not to say that I didn't dance my face off. Didn't laugh until I cried tears of hilarity. Didn't have a fabulously crazy night. Because I did. I had an AWESOME time. A stagger home and giggle most of the night time.
I just worry about the poor souls who went home with instructions to love everyone, be safe, calm down, and have more fun....Because life is TOO FUCKING short. Maybe I am a drunken annoying passer-on of unsolicited advice....Do I sound like a 'know-it-all'? Because I really don't think I know it all....or much of anything. I just think I maybe sound like I am....And it must be annoying.....Maybe everyone was as sauced as I was and don't totally remember....or care.....Let's hope.
The Silencing of a Poet
4 weeks ago