Sunday, October 26, 2008

seven months (yesterday)

Jeff loved my long hair. I loved Jeff's beard. He'd tease that he was going to cut it off when we'd 'mock argue' (our thing...some people didn't get it). I'd always pretend that I had cut my hair off when I had a trim and talked to him on the phone. I loved him. He loved me. We did small things to show eachother...even if it was keeping old hair styles on our heads and faces to bring the other some pleasure however silly that is.
Yesterday was seven months since he died. Seven months by myself. Seven months paralyzed with this pain and loneliness. He is never coming back.
He doesn't care what my hair looks like now. I don't care what it looks like now. Now it's just hair. Just an accessory. Just strands protruding from the follicles on my scalp.
So, instead of drowning in thoughts of 'before' on this melancholy anniversary, I decided to do something different. Something I wouldn't do if Jeff was here. I cut my hair off. Like shedding an old, sentimental garment and putting it away to remind of another time, I put it in my drawer with Jeff's wallet, cellphone and watch. It was for him.
I'm not moving on. I am just trying to learn to move a world that is so very fucking different now.

**P.S. I laid in bed last night wondering if this post sounded as if I am insane or, worse, frivolous. I can assure that I am neither.
I am looking at all the things that Jeff and I did for each other...things that maybe we wouldn't have done if the other wasn't around. Little expressions of love without words.
Jeff disliked it when I would leave the dishes 'soaking' in the sink overnight forcing someone to stick their hand into cold food-filled water to remove the plug in the morning. So I tried to remember not to do this...
I found it annoying when I climbed into bed to find that the sheets were scrunched up at the foot of the bed. So Jeff would pull them straight when I climbed into bed....
I would make coffee in the morning for Jeff. I don't drink it myself.
Jeff would bring dark chocolate home from the store as a treat just for me.
Although I find feet pretty unappealing, I would give Jeff a foot rub. He'd brush my hair.
I'd tape WWF for him while he was away (if you know me personally, you know how much I dislike WWF. But Jeff loved it.)
Jeff made me a stool to rest my feet while I nursed the babies because my toes would cramp from being on 'tiptoe' to hold the little ones at the right height.
All little ways to tell each other how important we are to one another. Little small things that we wouldn't necessarily do if the other wasn't around.
So although, I still love Jeff with everything I am, he isn't here. So I cut my hair. I leave dirty dishwater in the sink overnight. And I don't tape WWF. I need to do this. I need to let go...just a little. He no longer is appreciates these small expressions of love.


Rach said...

A big hug and a kiss. xxx

Marissa said...

i think giving it to him was an awesome gesture. *hugs to you*

moving forward is different than moving on. deciding to move forward is showing how brave & strong you can be, even when you don't feel like you even know how.

can't wait to see the moving forward 'do. :)

Krista said...

OMG! I can't wait to see you! I second what Marissa said. And you sneaky thing you would have shocked the heck out of me when you come over today if I didn't read it here first! See you soon........

Danielle said...

My heart aches for you.

hippymummy said...

You don't know me, i haven't been on blogger for very long but i just felt that i had to commend you on the amazing courage and strength of character you show every day, especially on the days when you least feel like carrying on. My ex husband didn't die but i did lose my son at the age of 3 months from s.i.d.s. and do know the aching void where your heart, soul and laughter used to be.
The grief doesn't leave, we just build a dam to hide it behind and there it mostly stays until we see a picture or hear a song that reminds us of our pain and then the gates open again. Despite this, the pain ever lurking, we would never want it to be gone because the freedom from pain would mean the releasing of all the love, pain and happiness that we've held on to so dearly. To lose this would mean to forget and this we can't and never would want to do.
You have your children to remind you of him every single day and the love that created them is never gone, just a heartbeat away. Your sons eyes, your daughters hair, look at them, he's always there. xXx

Kate said...

I'm sorry.

I'm with Marissa on wanting to see the result of the haircut.

zakary said...

You don't know me, but I have been coming by for awhile via Matt's blog.

I can't even imagine what you and your kids are going through, but I think your babies are lucky to have you as their momma.

Take Care~Zak

Poppy and Mei said...


leigh in the sav said...

i am sure it looks wonderful - and can't wait to see it either. but know that you are moving forward with grace and strength that you may not even realize. and that's just the way it should be.

you've also got a few dozen stranger-friends who are holding your hand.

Carle said...

Gosh Have I been 'with you' for 7 months?
I still enjoy your heartfelt blogging and I feel your wisdom.

Thank you

So for those of us who will never meet you, please blog a photo of the new hair do! I want to see how pretty you look with it.

Laurie said...

So sorry that everything is so darn difficult and heartbreaking. You are always in my thoughts. Hang in there!! Can't wait to see the new haircut.

darcie said...

You posted without a picture? You've left us all in the lurch!
I am with the rest of the folks that cannot wait to see the new do!!
Moving forward is good...for anyone.
I'm glad you are taking a few steps - no matter how small they may seem to you - they really are huge.

Christa said...

Another creep sending extra hugs and the overwhelming desire of seeing the new hairdo.



13mimosa said...

You sounded nothing more than something reminding us (for your don't need to do it for yourself) of all the reasons why he was such a great guy. You also, perhaps unwittingly, always remind me to be more grateful for what I have and to focus on the positives and forget about the silly little things that aren't so important anyway. I do leave the last hard to clean dish in the sink overnight and my Geoff does hate it - I should try harder not to do it.

I'm sure you look gorgeous and looking forward to a shot of the new hair.

ella said...

it's amazing how healing a haircut can be. it is most definitely a letting go and moving forward.
There is a gift that you may find in losing a great friend...a gift of great strength, a gift of deep love, a gift of simple appreciation. gosh it's been ...? 14 years since the death of my friend and she still visits me in dreams. i never would have thought it could be anything but painful but i am so grateful for her reminders. though the dreams are far less frequent now i never fail to wake up with a big fat grin.
xo love and strength.

potty mouth mama said...

I'm with Marissa, I think it's definitely different moving forward. I would love to see your new 'do!

You and Jeff share an incredible love story.

Eilie said...

Jackie you look awesome! I love the haircut!

Hugs to the gorgeous new you and your adorable children.