Tuesday, August 11, 2009

4am stressfest

I had one of those nights again where I lay awake and analyze every word, gesture, movement, action and dream that I have had over the last few days. Not great material for provoking sleep.
I wonder what it is about the middle of the night or the early morning that is so terrifying and tempts our thoughts to turn cannabalistic. Is it that fact that we are alone? Is it that there are fewer noises and distractions to keep our minds from turning toxic?
Why is that little voice in the back of our minds so very unkind in the wee hours? Are they irritated by the lack of restful sleep?Maybe it is because we can do little to remedy anything the mess we have created during the day - the banks are closed, friends are asleep and not wanting to hear your admissions, doing house work will wake the kids, etc.
I do, however, somehow enjoy some of the abnormal and creative thoughts that employ my grey matter at this time. I come up with improved ways for sewing on dress tags, I discover that the reason I want to paint the closet in my new bedroom is because the dark turqouise/green makes the closet seems menacing and scary, I mentally create a diorama of the lifecycle of a salmon complete with roe and fish sperm and I realize that the cat has been inceasantly swirling around my ankles, not to be annoying, but because his food dish is completely empty (and I worry how long he has gone without food before I have noticed).
Now, if I can just make it through the day, I will have a good sleep tonight knowing that every thought needed for the last week has been completed. Maybe in the meantime I'll paint the scary closet....


Mrs. Spit said...

I don't know what it is about 4 am, but I'll agree it is something. Especially after my son died, that was when I would wake up and re-live those moments, over and over and over.

Hawkfeather said...

aww- see when you lie in bed at 4 am..
you should so be thinking of me.