At times, I let my self-pity drive the boat; the thing that I have always sworn I would never do...even before losing Jeff. I'll feel overwrought with exhaustion, sadness and all the unfinished things that still need attending to before I get to rest at the end of the day. I'll wonder what life would have been like had we had the chance to realize all of our hopes and potential as the family we had envisioned. I know that this is a futile and ridiculous imagining, as life is what happens. We don't get to choose or make-believe. But I do wonder. I wonder what it would have been like if I were the one who were lost. Would they have been better off? Would Jeff have handled this with more finesse and less impatience?
Although she is so young still, I worry that too much gets placed on those little shoulders. I am always saying to her, "You be the kid! Enjoy it! Let me deal with the other stuff!" When she gets angry so fast, I believe that it is my influence that has taught her to react so fast and furiously.
Oh, I hope that they turn out somewhat well-adjusted. That they will be happy. That they find love, and hope, and joy. That there lives are not only defined by the loss of their daddy and the fall-out that ensued. I hope that I am strong enough to carry them through. That I am patient and nurturing enough to foster these qualities within them for them to be patient and nurturing to themselves when they no longer need me to tie their shoes or tuck them in.
If only I could express to them the depth and breadth of my love for them. During the day, when I am overcome with all the 'need to do's, I fear that my love is not as visible as I wish it were. That somehow they may doubt it, although my heart beats steadily only for them....ONLY for them.
I took this picture only moments ago and it makes me sigh with a grin at my sweet, little princess thinking in her sleep. It also makes me sigh with sadness at all the 'would haves' and 'could haves'. I know tomorrow's another day and I can try to perfect my parenting skills again. But for tonight, I just sit here wishing I could wake them from their sleep and say, "I'm sorry, my little loves. I'll do better. I promise." And if I knew I could keep that promise indefinitely, I would go to bed with a lighter conscience and a glad heart.
I love you, my little sweets. Never, ever, ever doubt that I love you.