Wednesday, July 09, 2008

here's the deal

I am having an infinitely hard time lately with not only losing Jeff and the ensuing fall-out but my beloved grandfather is ill and in hospital. He and I have always been close and I am intensely concerned about his health.
I have been dealing with the effects of mastitis....again. I feel like crap. I can't take regular antibiotics due to allergies and the drugs that they have me on are hard on the stomach.
Eli is having more bad days than good, it seems. He is having trouble walking but isn't in pain and is quite happy. Do I put him down because he can't walk? Do I wait until he is in pain? I can't imagine dealing with my life without him. I realize that's slightly ridiculous...but I have always had him to be with me. Through everything.
FUCKles ate another batch of freshly hatched chicks and soon-to-hatch duck eggs. I hate him right now. I know it's instinct for him....but fuck, I hate him.
I'm on the FOURTH computer since Jeff died. My new camera isn't uploading images for some bloody reason and I can't figure out while all this brand-new technological crap is breaking. I need things to go smoothly just for awhile and everything is rough.


Rach said...

That effing dog! What a pain in the arse.

I don't know what the answer is to all this crapness - I don't think there is one. We are hear to listen to you through it all...

Crash Course Widow said...

I'm so sorry to hear about Eli. And your grandfather too.

Everything just feels like ONE MORE THING to have to deal with, and really, you just want a fucking BREAK from god, or fate, or whatever. I *still* feel that way, at 3 years out, when bad stuff starts happening again. It's so hard to make it through the days and weeks as it is, without other batches of difficult things to deal with.

I know and understand much of what you're dealing with, with the dogs and your grandfather, Liv's birthday...all of it. I had to put my cat to sleep last summer, and he was my buddy for long before Charley came along; he was so sick with something, but because of the grief and my widowhood, I couldn't handle any of it, couldn't give him his meds and help him to feel better. And much of it was because of a similar situation we went through, with another cat, before Charley died. I'd already had to go through one time of dealing with a sick, dying cat (but when it was his cat, not mine) a few months before he died, and for whatever reason, I just COULDN'T do it again, but without him. I ended up putting the cat to sleep, and it was so incredibly hard. I loved my cat, but if it's possible, I love my dog now even more--it's such a different type of companionship. So to be having to survive losing Eli and facing what to do with him, I'm so very, very sorry.

Charley's grandma was sick and dying for about 2 1/2 years both shortly before and then after Charley died, and it was hard...and she wasn't even *my* grandma. She died in January of this year.

And Fuckles. Oh, I just love your new name for him. Makes me laugh every time. I'm so sorry he's being such a shit. I had a huge debacle with my dog Chase last week and I just fell APART because of it, so I'm feeling your frustration and rage at the dog a bit.

Everything is so amplified when you're grieving to begin with. Every other little thing--and the properly big things too--are so much harder to deal with.

Hang in there....