Wednesday, July 02, 2008

i am jackie...I think

One thing I realized from my night away is that I am' still Jackie'. I am aware that this revelation may sound odd; but after spending years of being ‘Jeff and Jackie’, I am struggling with the ‘new’ identity that has been thrust upon me. I have been labelling myself as Widow. Mother. Emotionally broken. Sad. Angry. Confused. But not ‘Jackie’.
After spending a little bit of time doing things I enjoy, I realized that I am still me. A different me. A me with a whole slew of new ‘baggage’ but I am in there.

Unfortunately, I can never be ‘Jeff and Jackie’ again. I loved our little exclusive team. I loved the umbrella of being a pair. Secret jokes. Memories only the two of us shared. The intimacy. The security.
Now I am just one. It is a huge change. But it is reassuring to find that I didn’t cease to exist when Jeff died. I’m still here….
I look at the photos of me and the reflection of my life before Jeff’s death. I look happy. I look carefree. I am silly and know that I am loved.
Now, I see the bereft emptiness in my eyes. Even when I’m smiling, it doesn’t look genuine. My face is smiling but my eyes look a couple of steps behind. Can other people see it? Is it just me?
But I am me. A new version of me. Maybe one day, I can smile luminous smiles and laugh from my soul. I’ll try to be patient.

4 comments:

Eileen said...

Jackie -

I visited your blog in the past for homeschooling inspiration. I was so sad to come back and read of your sorrow. Your loss has deeply touch me - brought me to tears. As a mother and wife, I can only imagine all you are going through. I can see myself in your eyes.

From one soul to another - I would like to extend my ear, my hand, my words... whatever it is that may help you during this time.

I would also like to tell you more about the significance of your post. What you are embarking on...

Many beautiful people come into our lives and touch us in ways that help transform our spirit. Friendship, Love, Community - all of these things are wonderful and fill us up in so many ways. But ultimately, through it all, every step of the way... the only one that has felt every moment... the only one that remains when all the world falls apart... the one who is left to feel our pain, our joy, our dreams... is **Ourselves**. This truth is no only true for us.. it is true for our children, our friends, our spouses, our enemies...

For me, it has taken a lot of time to be able to revere this deep relationship I have with myself. At first, the knowledge is frightening..we may think of the word Alone. But after time, I came to appreciate the foreverness of this information... I came to rely on myself - love myself - know myself.... myself without any thing or person... *I* will always Be there for me. It is the one constant I can depend on. And with this knowledge, anything is possible.

My love flies the miles to you and your children. You are NEVER alone. Just go within.
xoxo
Eileen in Connecticut

Rach said...

Your eyes will catch up with that gorgeous smile... Your are just beautiful.

Anonymous said...

Hi Jackie,

Eileen's comment brought tears to my eyes. I remember taking a walk alone after my husband left me and my three young children. I felt like one entire side of my body had been amputated. I felt like something hollow trudging along. With no one to share the sights and sounds it was as if they had no worth or maybe didn't even exist.

With time, I did come out of that state. It is a still a struggle for me to be alone sometimes, even now that I am in a new relationship. But now I tell myself, as Eileen said, that this is the human condition. That makes me feel less alone.

Have a good weekend, Jackie.


Nancy

Chad the Chicken said...

Jackie,

I got to your blog from my friend, Pam Johnson's page. Was intrigued by your blog title, "Mothering Nature." I just finished reading your posting titled, "I am Jackie ... I think." It made me cry. You are such an amazing person.