Wednesday, July 16, 2008

like a hole in the head

Jeff had promised Liv that she could get her ears pierced for her sixth birthday. I could have said 'no'....But how could I deny this sweet little face this joy? (How can having a small metal post thrust through your ear lobe be a 'joy'?) It makes me shutter to look at those tiny little ear lobes and see those holes. I had to try to not focus on the technical side of the piercing. (I once passed out when friends talked about another friend's labour.) But we both made it through the experience. Liv even made it without tears....
I still feel so bloody ripped off when we do things that we were supposed to do with Jeff. Will the feelings of injustice ever subside? I realize that these feeling don't serve any positive purpose and that they just cause me pain, but I can't help but to feel pissed off.

1 comment:

Crash Course Widow said...

Will the feelings of injustice ever subside? Yes, eventually, but at 3 years out for me, they're not so often. I still have them, certainly, and it's not that they fade so much as they just become common and you get used to them. They don't suck any less over time, but you do get better at recognizing them, at handling them and managing them (and yourself). And I guess one difference is that they're not so consuming as time goes on. You're able to think/feel them and then move on to other things a bit faster.

But I still have them, like at Anna's birthday (which is coming up in 1.5 months) because her father never got to see a damned one of them. Or at "special" occasions, like preschool graduations or vacations or holidays or 5 million other possible things. And sometimes they can still set me off, but it's not as severe or overwhelming as it was the first year or two after Charley died. I can't tell you how long it took or why or when it shifted; for me, there was just a point, about 4 months ago, where everything just seemed to be a bit easier. And that was at 2 yrs and 8 mths out for me. But everyone's different...but it's probably safe to assume that it'll be a long, long time before you learn to get used to these feelings. I don't know if it helps you, or just frustrates or pisses you off (or all of it at the same time), to hear it takes that long, but I know I would have found it helpful to know just how long it CAN take, because then maybe I wouldn't have felt so freakish, embarrassed, or ashamed when I felt so bad for so long.

But good for you for being able to go through something difficult for you, especially a "loaded" Jeff event. You deserve big pats on the back for it.