I've been wanting to write about this for a couple of weeks but whenever I sit down to try to explain this feeling or phenomenon that I'm experiencing, it ceases. I'm aware that these revelations may sound flighty and silly. I may be losing it but I am hoping that they are 'real' and eventually more attainable than for such brief moments.
As you know, I've been experiencing waves of emotion. The vast majority of them are negative. But ti seems that the events in my life, my feelings toward them and my reactions to the world around me occasionally reach a 'peak'. An awful, dreaded, loathesome peak. Like being thrust to the top of an enormous wave, I kick and try to propel myself backward to where I was. I'm terrified and angrywith this predicament that has 'happened' to me. At these times, I can't stop crying at night, I'm impatient with the kids, I'm restless and frustrated. I want a way out. I want to run away.
Then suddenly, I fall. I'm numb. I want to sleep. I don't have the energy for anything. Nothing scares me because there is nothing. Nothing is worth anything. And I'm not fighting.
In the wake of this silence, there is something that I never expected to find in the loss of my love. This is where it feels silly to express this to anyone else, but I'm hoping that someone out there understands this. In these moments, I find peace. Not understanding, but acceptance. A knowledge that things just happen because they do and maybe, possibly, there is some reason (maybe unfathomable reason) for them. In these moments, I am still so sad about losing Jeff, but it's almost as if I can see this loss, feel it, mourn it and, also, use it. Use it to learn...about fear. I have faced my worst fear. Continue to face it, yet somehow, I'm still standing. I can't articulate the feeling well without making it osund simplistic or silly. In fact, it's not that I am standing. It's not even about me. It's just that things 'are'. They just 'are' but they're never the same. And I can't change that. No one can. But there is room for everything in everything. Jeff is gone. But the kids are here. I am horribly sad. But I sometimes feel a giggle sprouting out of me. I won't always be here. But until then, I can learn as much as I can and love as much as I can.
In these moments of peace, I sometimes feel like I can 'feel' Jeff. Not physically. Just his love. And maybe it's not him. Maybe it's just a memory of his love. Maybe that's how we live on. But I know he loved me. I know he'd think I was going to be okay. And in these all too brief moments, I believe him.
Unfortuantely, nothing lasts. But I will weather the next wave, if I can find this peace once again.
THE FIREHOUSE CHRONICLES – EPISODE 15
3 weeks ago