the final first

With every tick of the clock today, I replay what I was doing at that moment a year ago.
8am - had a shower
8:30 - scheduled an appointment for Jeff at the doctor for 9:30
8:45 - climbed back into bed with Jeff for a quick cuddle and a reminder that he had an appointment to get to.
9am - Chased naked kids around the house getting frustrated that we were going to be late.
9:15- Chased Jeff out the door and drove like a maniac to the doctor's office.
9:30 - Sat with Jeff and the kids while the doctor listened to his heart, took his blood pressure and wrote out orders for blood work and an x-ray.
9:45 - chased the kids around the mall while Jeff waited to get his blood drawn.
10 am - Took some forms back to the doctor's waiting area to get signed while Jeff chased the kids around the mall.
10:11 - Got the last phone call ever from Jeff cell asking where I was.
10:15 - Sat with the kids in the waiting room while Jeff went out to smoke.
10:20 - Walked outside with kids and forms to find Jeff struggling to breath.
10:20 - Ran to get the doctor while phoning 911.
10:21 - Ran back......Started CPR.....
10:45 - Torn away from Jeff by the doctor and the ambulance attendants....Sedated by the doctor. Called Jeff's mom, Kirsten and Marnie. Not sure what I said.
Picked up by my sister after she brought the kids to Marnie's. Noticed large round rocks in a passing rock wall. Saw a horse galloping along field. Called Jeff's phone repeatedly to apologize for not being able to save him and to tell him what happened. Stared into space. I don't remember much else....Just a broken emptiness. A fear. An ache.
I surfaced briefly to tell Liv that her daddy had died. She didn't believe me. She thought I was joking and ran off to play.
I retreated back into the dark, emptiness...I don't know when I started to emerge again. I sometimes don't know if I have yet. But I'm here. My kids are here. And we are together. I only hope that one day, we will all be a family once again....together.
And that the ache won't hurt so badly.