Wednesday, March 25, 2009

the final first

With every tick of the clock today, I replay what I was doing at that moment a year ago.
8am - had a shower
8:30 - scheduled an appointment for Jeff at the doctor for 9:30
8:45 - climbed back into bed with Jeff for a quick cuddle and a reminder that he had an appointment to get to.
9am - Chased naked kids around the house getting frustrated that we were going to be late.
9:15- Chased Jeff out the door and drove like a maniac to the doctor's office.
9:30 - Sat with Jeff and the kids while the doctor listened to his heart, took his blood pressure and wrote out orders for blood work and an x-ray.
9:45 - chased the kids around the mall while Jeff waited to get his blood drawn.
10 am - Took some forms back to the doctor's waiting area to get signed while Jeff chased the kids around the mall.
10:11 - Got the last phone call ever from Jeff cell asking where I was.
10:15 - Sat with the kids in the waiting room while Jeff went out to smoke.
10:20 - Walked outside with kids and forms to find Jeff struggling to breath.
10:20 - Ran to get the doctor while phoning 911.
10:21 - Ran back......Started CPR.....
10:45 - Torn away from Jeff by the doctor and the ambulance attendants....Sedated by the doctor. Called Jeff's mom, Kirsten and Marnie. Not sure what I said.
Picked up by my sister after she brought the kids to Marnie's. Noticed large round rocks in a passing rock wall. Saw a horse galloping along field. Called Jeff's phone repeatedly to apologize for not being able to save him and to tell him what happened. Stared into space. I don't remember much else....Just a broken emptiness. A fear. An ache.
I surfaced briefly to tell Liv that her daddy had died. She didn't believe me. She thought I was joking and ran off to play.
I retreated back into the dark, emptiness...I don't know when I started to emerge again. I sometimes don't know if I have yet. But I'm here. My kids are here. And we are together. I only hope that one day, we will all be a family once again....together.
And that the ache won't hurt so badly.

22 comments:

darcie said...

Tears are streaming down my face. I wish I had the words - but I don't - so please just know that I am here, and I am listening.
Hugs to you dear Sweet Jackie, and to your beautiful babies too.

katie j said...

Words fail me right now...so simply sending thoughts and hugs your way. I hope, somehow, it helps in some miniscule way knowing how much you're thought of and wished well.
::hugs::
Katie J

Wendy Mewhort said...

Sending you love, Jackie...

PB and Jazz said...

Sending thoughts your way. So sorry.

Neurotic Chic said...

Thinking of all 4 of you today. {{HUGS}}

Dianne said...

I've been thinking of you and Liv all day (Briar, too).

Bonnie said...

XOXOXO
Bonnie

Amber said...

Oh my god, that is tragic. I am so sorry Jackie. How lucky he was to have had you in his life. How strong and brave you are, how amazing you are....xxx

Kris in the MN said...

::hugs to you::

I am so sorry Jackie.

Anonymous said...

Dear Jackie, it is so hard to read this. I hope you find some comfort somewhere today. We are all with you in spirit.

Nan

Anonymous said...

I am weeping for you and your children. I hope that you were able to find some peace today.

Hallie said...

I only wish that all of our tears for you could give you comfort somehow... The beautiful way you are able to write your emotions and thoughts are such a wonderful tribute to your husband. I feel so lucky to follow your writings. Reading your pains and joys is truly a gift to us all. You have touched so many people. I hope you find some calm in this storm...

Lisa said...

Oh, Jackie! Sending you cyber hugs and wishes for peace and comfort.. I am so very very sorry!

Rach said...

Just hugs and love from us today and all the days...xxx

Poppy and Mei said...

XXxx.

TheSingingBird said...

still praying for you and your sweet little ones dear Jackie

molly said...

Jackie, you are so incredibly strong. Even when you have moments of doubt and sorrow, the fact that you can think about the future this way is amazing. I thought about you and your little kiddos on Wednesday. Briar is so young, but Liv I am sure is learning a lot from seeing how you are dealing with this. Be easier on yourself as a mom, okay? I'm sure you are doing a great job. (Indulging every kid's Laura Ingalls fantasy to the point of prairie dresses? Awesome.) I hope your new first week of a new year has some good moments, and more sunshine! The more I read about Jeff, the more I wish I could meet him somehow. Take care, Jackie.

leigh in the sav said...

wow. i hope writing that was a release. my thoughts have been with you throughout the past week. give yourself credit for how you have survived. you may feel you've lived in a cloud, but you never ceased to love, nurture and teach your children to the best of your ability. take care. i'm adding to the hugs and prayers of others.

Yarrow said...

Love and blessings to yo and your children. Time heals all wounds they say......one can hope.

Jenny said...

Words cannot express how sorry I am for your loss. I am just so, so sorry...

kristin said...

oh, oh, oh.

thinking of you across the miles.

wishing you well.

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