Thursday, March 26, 2009

made it

We made it. Through all the firsts. The firsts without Jeff at birthday parties, Christmas morning, through illnesses and accomplishments. His absence has been an aching void....almost a presence in itself.

But time has continued its' slithery journey. I look back over the time without my love and see that 365 days have gone by and no time at all seems to have passed. But it has and I have grown stronger.

I will try to look forward to the future. To make plans. To smile more often. To remember my sweet, loving husband but without so much of the ache that goes along with the remembering. To rejoice that he was, not cry that he is now gone.

I am going to hold my head up. I have no more firsts -which fills me with both relief and sadness. It is time to go forward and hold my head a bit higher. I know that my path will be full of potholes and the occasional mudpit but I am going to stop crawling. I will walk. I will walk tall and hopefully be able to jump over the puddles now and then. I'll stop and rest when I need to but I refuse to be as broken as I have been. I refuse to be crushed. I refuse to remain broken and beaten. My children need their mommy to be strong and to show them that tragedy is hard but it will not defeat us. That daddy would not want us to fall. He would want us to smile again one day and notice the sun on our faces. I will try....I will try my damnedest. I am not and will never be 'over' this terrible loss, but I will carry it, like a scar and it will shape who I am now. And then maybe, I can use it for 'good'. Maybe something I can manifest something 'good' from this. Maybe I can help someone. I would so love for there to be some 'meaning' to this nightmare. So, here I go....

20 comments:

Single Parent Dad said...

I love this sentence "To rejoice that he was, not cry that he is now gone."

Good on you, and your attitude.

Anonymous said...

you are amazing.

Robin Stewart said...

oh jackie you are such a good roll model for your children. your post brings me to tears.

Creepy Katy said...

You are amazing and incredible, Jackie! I am so proud of you for making it through this year. I truly believe that when tragedy hits, once that first year is behind you it really does improve. Maybe not by leaps and bounds...but at least by tiny increments.

We are WITH YOU!

Desha said...

I am so proud of you!

Hawkfeather said...

i happen to live in the kind of hippy community filled with two types- those who consider themselves healers and those who consider themselves perpetually wounded- broken- usually by traumas either buried or made up.. a sort of constant state of being being victimized.

and sure there is a valid place for suffering- and hurting- I have been hurt- it can take time..i know that well.
but so often I see people focusing on the rather fleeting moments of chaos during the day and allowing it to be some crushing defeat.

always seeking. getting lost in it all...
they want.
they want answers..
and peace- but it seems there is some *thing* they believe they require to find happiness, and they are always just about to find it coming up short.

and than they wait.
and there is always something they are waiting for- to prevent living- and prevent finding those truths.

I dunno- i say "they" but it seems some what universal- I can't deny it in my own world.

still--I have seen you describe your situation as a 'blessing' and I wonder.

Most people i know seem destine to live there lives in a constant state of disapproval of their surroundings.

I bet you remember.. the "before"..
how spilled milk is not a bump in the road but a reminder that things NEVER work out for you and things always go wrong?

Maybe there is something out there to allow this blessing without the vast agony.

perhaps-
little epiphanies during enlightening acid trips? I don't know.. ? nothing I can see short of being a monk in the Himalayan mountains.

Nothing that touches one so deeply penetrating to the core.

I have also felt many times that real love- is not about having that person- not about ownership-
not entirely..
if at all..

Maybe sacrificing one's own life is a small measure to offer your absolute love something most people will never touch.

You have made it sister-
beautifully.

Dianne said...

Jackie, This is one of the most touching things I have ever read and it brought me to tears. I agree, no one is ever "over" the death of a loved one, nor should be expected to be. I am so proud of you for making it through all of these firsts, no matter how hard they have been. Thank you for sharing this post and your journey with us.

Anonymous said...

Go Jackie..... go Jackie.... go Jackie!

Anonymous said...

this is the nicest post I've ever read this mOrning... made me inspired! You're amazing woman....

Jill said...

Jackie,

I keep typing and deleting and typing and deleting because I don't know how to say what I want to say. I've thought of you this week since I know it has been one year. And then I come here and read your posts from this week and all I can think is that I love you, but that's such a STRANGE thing to think and say. I guess a person develops a connection with someone when they've been reading their blog for months and months. Every so often, I hug my Jeff a little longer because of what you've taught me. Thanks

Anonymous said...

You are such an inspiration! Trust me, you have already helped many people.

Headder said...

Bravo!!

Anonymous said...

I read your blog from time to time to check on you. Although I do not "know" you, I am SO proud of where and who you are. I hate what you have and will ensure- but please know that you are making a difference.

You've touched so many, more than you realize and I am in awe.

Consider yourself hugged.

Carolyn

13mimosa said...

Sending big hugs your way.

The Magic Onions said...

I read this yesterday and felt too moved to even comment. I came back today after thinking of you all day to let you know that my thoughts and preyers are with you and your family. You are a beautiful, beautiful person and your children are lucky to have you to help them through this. Thank you for your strength.

leigh in the sav said...

i am proud of you! (but don't feel bad if you need to be pissy sometimes!)

Maureen in PA said...

Jackie-You are truly amazing...this is such a beautiful thing that you have written. I am so proud of you and what you have done in the past year. Your strength and determination are truly inspiring. And I know that there will be times where you may falter and not feel as strong, but know, even on those days, that you have it inside you somewhere. Allow yourself those moments-they are not a sign of weakness. I am proud, and somwhere out there, Jeff is proud of you as well...

Crash Course Widow said...

I say this gently, Jackie, but it's not like you're actually done with all the firsts. True, you're done with much/many of the most agonizing firsts, but you'll still continue to have new firsts, even long into this journey. And I don't know if the "firsts" after the first year were more painful than any in the first year, but I've constantly been surprised by how many "firsts" I still have to survive...only now I rarely know to expect them. I don't think they're harder than the "real" firsts, but they often smart more than I think they should.

But you are past the hardest bits, I imagine. Everyone's different of course, though. And I felt far worse after the first year, so much lower, but that first year was still the hardest; I simply felt worse, more depressed later. But that's just me. And I truly hope you've survived the hardest parts of this journey for you.

Sending you many, many hugs. You've done an amazing so far, with yourself and the kids. Hang in there.

hippymummy said...

I know that i'm late in commenting but i just wanted to say that i admire you tremendously. You're such a wonderful mother and so incredibly brave, i feel honoured to know you. Brightes Blessings to you and your wonderful children xXx

Jenny said...

God bless you and your children. You are an amazing woman.