Monday, March 16, 2009

happy birthday, my love

Jeff would have been 47 today. We would have blueberry pie, the kids would have sang "Happy Birthday", then Liv would have followed it up in French. We'd plant another blueberry bush in the backyard.
I am so very thankful for this day as it is the day that brought this funny, sweet and loving man to us. But I am finding that it is so very hard remembering last year and how I screwed up so badly. I had planned to make him a mug with the kids picture on it, a t-shirt with their handprints or some equally cheesy but completely loved by Daddy personalized gift.
Instead, Liv and I made him cupcakes, iced some of them and left them on the counter. Briar threw all but two of the uniced ones in the dishwater in the sink. I didn't make more.
I had a card for him. Evidently, my brain suffered from memory issues then as well and I forgot to give it him. I figured I'd give it to him the next birthday.
He was so disappointed. He told me that all he really wanted was a blueberry pie and a card. At least, we did manage to plant a blueberry bush for him as we had every year. (He was a HUGE fan of blueberries.)
So today, the day that I thought I could fix it, I can't. His last birthday, nine days before he died, was a crappy one. And it was my fault that it was a crappy one. If I had known it would be his last, I would have shown him how very loved and important he was to us. I would have shown him how special that day was for us too. It wasn't just the day of his birth. It was the day that brought him into a world where we were lucky enough to share it with him.
If he is somewhere 'out there', I am sure none of this is important to him in the grand scheme of things. But to me, stuck here without him, it is a big deal and I hope he knew that I wish I had done it differently....better. Filled with my love for him.


darcie said...

Oh Jackie! I bet Jeff wasn't disappointed - well, ok, maybe he really really wanted some blueberry pie ~ but he knew you loved him - and he knew the kids loved him. He doesn't seem like the kind of guy that needed a card to tell him so.
I think you and the kids should enjoy some blueberry pie and share stories of Jeff today - celebrate the time and the memories you did have together.
xoxo - darcie

leigh in the sav said...

i agree with darc - he knew how much he was loved. no amount of blueberry pie would have changed that.

i am sorry you see the last birthday as one that was a disappointment, but i hope you can give yourself credit for telling and showing jeff how much you loved him every day he was here.

manxlass said...

Coulda, woulda, shoulda sucks! Honey, you need to go easier on yourself. You were human, that's all. Still are. You can't keep fixating on days you feel you fell down. Focus on the fact that you keep getting up, every single day. Jeff knew you loved him.

Single Parent Dad said...

Like the previous two, I'm sure he was so full of love, and your love, that pie, while appreciated, would just be consumed. Your love however, will last forever.

Hawkfeather said...

I dunno- is it wrong to acknowledge we make mistakes?
Sounds like the man that Jeff was in life he shared his feelings with you openly- yes he 'was' disappointed, probably not in you, but in the events of the day.
I am sure you (or Jeff) are unwilling to think tiny Briar "ruined" Jeff's birthday...Had this not been a tragic *last* I am kinda suspecting one day it would have been a cherished and enjoyed silly story of a cute toddler mishap.
And having that little toddler was a gift you shared with a beautiful being..

Real love- I am fairly sure it does not exist *despite* our flaws.. it is all part of the package- screwing up on a birthday doesn't say anything about who you are or how much you loved Jeff- all it says is that you are undoubtedly affected by the limitations of human existence-
something I am also fairly certain Jeff more than accepted.

Happy birthday to Jeff- I was never blessed enough to meet him- but I too am grateful he was born today.

Poppy and Mei said...

That Hawkfeather knows what she's talking about...XXxx

Anonymous said...

Hi Jackie,I agree w/darcie. also...keep on planting those blueberry bushes and take lots of pictures w/your kids next to them!
Try not to be so hard on your self,your doing a great job w/your kids considering the sad time you are going through!
Take care ~Joi

Stacia said...

he knew the love you had for him...he knew and still knows. Keep planting!

Desha said...

I didn't know that yesterday was Jeff's birthday, and it must make a hard month even harder. Please don't make yourself feel guilty over things left undone or unsaid. He knew you loved him. Thinking of you....

Marissa said...

he may have loved blueberries but no doubt he loved you 10,000 times more. i'm positive he long forgave you for his birthday snafu - its time for you to give yourself the gift of forgiveness as well. thinking of you all.