Tuesday, March 24, 2009

A YEAR AGO TODAY....

A year ago today, I didn’t know what tomorrow held.
A year ago today, I didn't realize what a gift life is.
A year ago today, I wasn’t alone.
A year ago today, I was someone’s ‘other’. Someone’s wife. Someone’s love.
A year ago today, I went to sleep with my husband by my side, his hand to hold with his snore ringing in my ear.
A year ago today, I would have complained about that snore.
A year ago today, I was most worried about the amount of gas in my tank and the amount of $ in my bank account.
A year ago today, I didn’t think my kids would enter therapy until they were pimply and angry teenagers who despised their weird parents.
A year ago today, I felt whole. Not a broken fragment or shell of who I once was.
A year ago today, I was naïve and pompous enough to think that I knew what terror, trauma, loneliness and loss really meant.
A year ago today, I had the luxury of being judgmental and concerned with minutia.
A year ago today, I made my choices based on the decisions of two - there was such comfort in knowing that we both agreed.
A year ago today, I could soothe my children’s fears without carrying that worry on my shoulders as well. I could tell them with real, although perceived, conviction that nothing ‘bad’ was going to happen.
A year ago today, the man who cut me off, the teenager who dropped their butts in my driveway, the woman who cut into the line, would drive me around the bend.
A year ago today, I didn’t know how to use a table saw, load a gun or deal with a car salesman alone.
A year ago today, I didn’t understand how every person’s positive actions has a ripple effect and that one smile could hold a stranger up at the end of a day.
A year ago today, I wasn’t as understanding of others.
A year ago today, I didn’t realize how infinitely deep love runs.
A year ago today, I didn’t realize how much strength and bravery we all possess.
A year ago today, I didn’t care as much as I do now.
A year ago today, I hadn’t yet received the ‘blessing of tragedy’ (as my friend, Nan, calls it) and all its’ hard lessons.
A year ago today, I don’t believe I was as good a person and I didn’t know just how much I had to learn and would continue to learn.
A year ago today, I thought I had so very long…..
A year ago today was my last day with the love of my life. And I didn’t even know it.
A year ago today, I had no idea all that I took for granted.
A year ago today, I had no idea how much you could miss someone.

49 comments:

Tara. said...

I can't imagine the emotions that today and tomorrow hold for you. Please know there is someone in California thinking and praying for you.

I know it's been said before but thank you for allowing us into your life. This post has reminded me to hug the one's I love, not take things for granted and remember not to sweat the small stuff. Thank you for that, thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Tara

darcie said...

I so wish I could hug you right now - thinking of you and the kids Jackie - and still so very sorry. Sending you all the hugs you can bear...

Crash Course Widow said...

Thinking of you (and Matt) today and tomorrow. If it's any consolation, that first anniversary for me was the hardest; the 2nd and 3rd ones weren't nearly so hard. That said, I really tanked after the first anniversary...about 6 weeks or so afterward. I thought I'd been coping and dealing with it all so well, yet it all came crashing down and REALLY started hitting me then that he was never, ever coming back. But everyone's different...and I hope and pray that the hardest days and darkest moments are already behind you and that the first year truly is and was the worst for you. It's not like the grief is going to be over and done, by any stretch, and there likely won't be any appreciable difference for quite some time. But my hope it that you can look back 6 months from now and realize in hindsight that things started getting the tiniest bit easier, that you're doing a little bit (or quite a bit) better than you had been before the 1-yr anniversary.

And if that isn't the case for you and, like me, you started feeling worse...or if you don't start hitting the bottom for another year or two...don't worry. You're not a freak. And we'll still be here for you, listening and supporting you, regardless. There is no "right way" to unravel your life with Jeff and start living again. The only "right" way is however you choose to do it.

You've been doing a fabulous job with yourself and the kids, Jackie, regardless of what it may feel like. You did it. You survived this first year. And while I may have felt at my worst long after the first year, I can still attest that nothing has been harder than that first year was.

Sending you and the kids many many hugs,
Candice

Desha said...

Thinking about you today. I wish I lived closer and could take you out for coffee and listen to stories of Jeff. I am proud of you, how far you have come, and I know your hubby would be proud of you too.

Super 2 said...

Hi Jackie
Here's to hoping you make it thru today tomorrow and the next...
Thank you for sharing your story with all of us.
You have taught me so much by just being you.
Big Hugs from MN
Jen

Dianne said...

I woke up this morning thinking of you (and of Matt). I thought about how last year on the 24th, you didn't know how your life would change on the 25th. And then I read your post! Please know that you have helped many of us through your words this year. As a result of your experiences, I have learned the importance of expressing my love for the dearest people in my life (rather than just keeping those feelings inside of me assuming that I can share them tomorrow). My thoughts are with you, Liv, and Briar as you continue missing Jeff.

Stacia said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you today *hugs*

Lucky Pebble said...

I have been thinking of you and the kiddos quite a bit this week. You're doing a fantastic job, you're a stellar mom, and for what it's worth I am amazed and proud of you though we have never met.

Rach said...

I have been and will continue to think about you today, tomorrow and all the other days.

Whenever I think of my loss, my mind always wanders to you and what you have been through. How crap it all is. How you have done such an amazing job. How during all your grief, you were there for me. I wish that I was just down the road from you and we could have that hug in person.
xxx

AndreaRenee said...

Oh Jackie, my heart aches for you. I'm praying for you and sending you ((((BIG HUGS)))) and love. I have to say, I'm totally impressed you know how to use a table saw! Maybe you can teach me... I so hope I get to meet you in July.

Ashley said...

Jackie we will be thinking of you and your family tomorrow and sending strength and positive energy across the water from the mainland.

Anonymous said...

Powerful entry--thank you for sharing your life with us...

Anonymous said...

One cannot think of Matt and not think of you...you are linked by your tragedy and "dates". Although I have only recently started following your triumphs, I wanted you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers as you face tomorrow. You are the bravest of women and the rest of us can learn so much from your strength!

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to let you know there's yet another stranger sending warm thoughts your way as you cope with this difficult anniversary. And also to chime in and say that you're a strong woman and an amazing mother.

(And I'm looking forward to sending a contribution next week to the kitty to get you to that conference! Thank you for allowing us to help you in that way.)

Meantime, thank you also for showing people the excruciating lesson most only learn after tragedy: that there's so damn little time, and we often waste far too much of it on shit that's virtually meaningless. Know that all the love and joy spread by all the people who've changed course because of your words -- well, that's on you, Jackie, and something to be genuinely proud of.

Be well. em

jess in aloha said...

PRAYING FOR YOU.

Devan said...

Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you, and Jeff, on this day. As well as tomorrow . . .

I wish you and your children peace and LOVE tomorrow as you deal with the anniversary.

I didn't know you, or of you, before this past year - but you have opened my eyes to more than I could ever put into words.

Anonymous said...

Sending you love and strength today, tomorrow and always. You're honesty is so very touching. Thank you for sharing your life with us and teaching us so much.

dara said...

I am so sorry that you had to learn all of that in this past year. My heart goes out to your family.

Chris said...

Sending as much love and support as I can via the interwebs. Holding you up today and always. Take care of yourself today.

(((hugs)))

Tricia Moran said...

This was so beautifully written and expressed. You have a gift with words that helps others. I wish I could make today better for you somehow but all I have to offer is my support from afar and many prayers. You are an amazing mother and will get through this - you will. With hope and love,
Tricia

Anonymous said...

Jackie, I have been following you for some time, I found you through Matt. I just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts every day. I know that I can never take away your pain, but I just wanted you to know that another person in this big world is thinking about you and praying for you and your beautiful kids. Bless you and Matt both for sharing your lives with us, I don't know if I could do what you are both doing. You are a strong woman, a wonderful mother and an inspiration to others out there.

Penny said...

Thinking of you Jackie, not able to imagine what you're feeling, and praying for you.

Sol from Argentina said...

wish i could do more to help you!
Today and always you are in my thoughts and prayers
Keep strong
Besos y abrazos

Shana said...

I'm thinking of you and your beautiful children today. I hope that you can find some semblance of peace.

Shana from the Wisconsin

Anonymous said...

My thoughts are with you and your children today. Sending much love and strength your way. Your post was very powerful. Thank you.

Headder said...

Thinking of you and your beautiful children today, Jackie!

Anonymous said...

{{{Dear Jackie}}}

I'm thinking of you and Liv and Briar today.

Nan

Marissa said...

My thoughts & love are with you today. I pray you can feel it surrounding you.

Anonymous said...

Thinking of all 3 of you today.
You are an inspiration to all.
Hang in there.
Jen

leigh in the sav said...

you are in my thoughts today. (more than usual). i hope you can get past today and keep moving. i send you, briar and liv all the hugs, love and peace i can muster.

josie said...

jackie, i am thinking of you and your beautiful family today.

Kate said...

Thinking of you guys today...

Robin Stewart said...

We are thinking of you guys today. Hope you find a special way to honour Jeff's memory. Just becasue it has been a year no one expects you to magically be healed. Hugs.

Roads said...

That's incredibly eloquently put and so evocative.

Well done for getting through it all. You've come such a long way, Jackie, and learned lessons which you never should have had to learn.

But you've done it, and you're here. However hard it gets, and it will still be hard from time to time, for a while, then at least you know that nothing, NOTHING, can ever be quite so bad again.

What that tells you is that from now on, going forwards, you can deal with anything.

That's the kind of empowerment you absolutely didn't ask for, but I'll tell you what -- you can really use it.

Best wishes from London. And spirits up.

Bonnie said...

Thinking about you today...

xoBonnie

katie j said...

Hi Jackie,
Just wanted to know that I'm thinking of you today and sending all my best wishes your way.
Lots of hugs from MN,
Katie J

Kris in the MN said...

Sending you lots of love and hugs today. I hope that your wonderful memories of Jeff will bring some peace to you and your kids today.

Kris

JenLynn said...

Jackie, I'm thinking about you and your wonderful little family today. Many hugs.
Jenny

T said...

Coming to see you (via your blog) today. Thinking of you. Wishing you a great future. Wishing you some peace. Wishing you comfort. Wishing you hope. Wishing you happiness. Wishing you the strength to set a little of your grief free. Wishing it would blow away in the wind. And finally for you... warm sunshine on your face, happy children in your view, laughter in your ears, and serenity in your mind.

Krista said...

Thinking of you heaps today. xo

Rachel said...

Thinking of you today and hoping you can find joy in the small things...

Hawkfeather said...

'People usually consider walking on water or in thin air a miracle. But I think the real miracle is not to walk either on water or in thin air, but to walk on earth. Every day we are engaged in a miracle which we don't even recognize: a blue sky, white clouds, green leaves, the black, curious eyes of a child - our own two eyes. All is a miracle.'

Thich Nhat Hanh

Karen said...

I think of you every day. Your story makes me pay attention and appreciate my loved ones. Thank you for sharing it with us. You are doing a fantastic job with your beautiful children. Lots of hugs and prayers to you!

lannen said...

Thinking of you today...a complete stranger yet thinking of you and your family...

lannen said...

Thinking of you today..a complete stranger to you but thinking of you nonetheless. Wish I had the right words to help soothe you and your loss...I am amazed at you and Matt. Keep your chin up and shoulders back.

Anna said...

Sending you a big hug from Washington, DC.

Cadi said...

Thinking about you & your lovely lil' ones...

Split-Second Single Father said...

I hope that today was as bearable as it could be, knowing all-too-well that this is the kind of anniversary none of us ever wants to commemorate. Thinking of you today and in the days ahead...

kristin said...

oh, bless you for sharing this with the world.

these are the words we all need to hear...