As the date of Jeff's death comes closer, my brain has been again showing me snippets of that morning, of the days leading up to it, and reliving all that the day encompasses.
I see his eyes again and again and watch him slip away once more. I remember the conversation we had in the car the night before and cling to his words. I hear myself screaming at the 911 operator.
As you know, those first few months these thoughts were what occupied my mind most. Like a broken record, they replayed to the point that I thought I was going insane. They had slowly eased to the point where I could remember the day if I wanted to, but I chose to remember Jeff in life more than at his moment of death.
Now, it's all coming back. What is it about the anniversary of his death that makes any of it different? He is still gone. He still died. I am still lost without him. But I seem to need to remember all the most terrifying bits all over.....I don't know why. Is it the guilt I feel for being the one left behind? Is it the reminder I think I need to remember it all? I am afraid I'll forget my last seconds with him. That I won't remember how it all happened when my little ones are old enough to understand. That, somehow, I am not honouring him by replaying those moments forever. I know it's fucked up. I know that it is completely irrational and mildly insane....But I can't stop.
The Firehouse Chronicles – Episode 14
1 week ago