Tuesday, March 10, 2009

relive

As the date of Jeff's death comes closer, my brain has been again showing me snippets of that morning, of the days leading up to it, and reliving all that the day encompasses.
I see his eyes again and again and watch him slip away once more. I remember the conversation we had in the car the night before and cling to his words. I hear myself screaming at the 911 operator.
As you know, those first few months these thoughts were what occupied my mind most. Like a broken record, they replayed to the point that I thought I was going insane. They had slowly eased to the point where I could remember the day if I wanted to, but I chose to remember Jeff in life more than at his moment of death.
Now, it's all coming back. What is it about the anniversary of his death that makes any of it different? He is still gone. He still died. I am still lost without him. But I seem to need to remember all the most terrifying bits all over.....I don't know why. Is it the guilt I feel for being the one left behind? Is it the reminder I think I need to remember it all? I am afraid I'll forget my last seconds with him. That I won't remember how it all happened when my little ones are old enough to understand. That, somehow, I am not honouring him by replaying those moments forever. I know it's fucked up. I know that it is completely irrational and mildly insane....But I can't stop.

5 comments:

Poppy and Mei said...

You're not meant to "stop".
It's not even been a year.
And yeah, it still sucks, huh.
Still here...still reading you...XXxx

Amber said...

I think this is normal, to relive events around the date they occurred. I know I think more about family members that have passed on around the date of their deaths.

I don't think it's irrational or insane, I think it's part of the process. I hope you know that lots of us are holding you in our thoughts right now.

Desha said...

It is a traumatic experience, seeing someone you love breathe their last breath. I was there when my dad died, and I will remember it vividly till the day I die. I know it must be even more shocking when it is unexpected, and the love of your life. Still thinking of you and praying for you.

Anna said...

Jackie. No, you are not irrational or mildly insane. I still do the same thing - go over those last days- and it has been 20 years as of March 20. We all learn from a young age to recognize/celebrate anniversaries of all kinds -- both tragic, and joyous. It does get easier with time. Promise.

Roads said...

The anniversary is bloody hard, Jackie. Working yourself to it is harder still.

The best that I can say is that it'll soon be behind you. And it will.

Spirits up.