Monday, May 05, 2008

illness

I have the stomach flu now too. I feel awful. It's actually hard to not feel sorry for myself and wish that Jeff was here to watch the kids while I barf. How am I going to do this by myself? I am so exhausted. Trying to comfort small children in the middle of the night while you ralph is so hard to do....I wanted to scream to just 'go to bed'! I can't. They are scared and there is no one to calm their fears but me.

I am feeling enveloped by this black hole of hopelessness right now. It doesn't feel like any of this will get better. It actually feels worse as the shock and fog wear off. I have nothing to look forward to. I am alone with two little ones who need me. I can't be there like I used to be. I am too wrapped up in my sadness. I can't shake it. I so need Jeff to just old my hand or tell me it'll be okay one day. I am terrified.

Liv went to a birthday party yesterday. Mid-way through she was found crying by my mom. Liv said, "Everyone here has a daddy. I don't and it's not fair." What am I supposed to do?! I want to make it better. I will NEVER be able to make it better and that is excruciating. This isn't fucking fair!!!!!!

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Jackie,
Nobody ever said that life was fair. Be strong for your babes, and gather strength in knowing that you will all be okay. Do what you have to to get through every day. Hold your head up, and feel blessed that you had the time you did.
Are you all going to any type of counselling yet? Hospice? I recommend you at least give these things a try.
I wish you peace, understanding, and acceptance on your journey. I wish you strength and laughter and joy. You cannot change the things that have happened to you, but you can shape the future.

Poppy & Mei said...

Nope. It's not fair.
Reach out to family & friends & ask them to help you.
I assure you they are all waiting in the wings, not knowing what to do, trying not to step on your toes.
Tell them exactly what you need & let them get on with it.
They will be releived, you will have some of what you need.
I know it seems like one more thing that you have to do but it will be worth it...Xxx

Anonymous said...

You're right, it's definitely not fair what has happened to you and your young babes. Be kind to yourself- you have every right to feel this way and you can't be strong all the time. Is there anyone that can come and stay with you for a week or a night just to help you get through the day to day and give you time to retreat for a little while and recharge?
Take care Jackie, my thoughts and prayers are with you