I intially started this blog as a way to connect with family and friends that weren't in the same town, province or country. I wanted to give them a glimpse into our daily lives so that we didn't all feel so seperated from eachother.
Then I changed it up a bit when I started to focus more of my blogging on my crafty interests, homeschooling and other family goings-on.
Now, I use it as a outlet to relieve some of the pain I am feeling. When Jeff first died, I hrdly had any conscious thought of what I was writing. I just poured it out. I didn't care what anyone thought or felt. It was mine to feel.
Suddenly, I am overtaken with feelings of hesitation when I post. I am concerned that I will upset or offend someone with my feelings or thoughts. I have posts in my draft box that I so want to post....but don't because I don't want to rock anyone's boat. The problem I have is that I need this space to let it out. I could write it in a journal or just send these messages to friends, but it somehow feels cathartic and therapeutic to pour all this sadness, pain, anger and frustration out into the void and have it heard....by people I don't necessarily know or by the loving ears (or eyes) of friends.
I have considered ceasing to post. I have thought about embedding a password into certain posts so that it is not available to all eyes. But some part of me just wants to be able to say what I have to say and be done with it....and to not worry about everyone else. I don't know what I should do. I want to say what I have to say. I want to be authentic. I want to feel the somehow healing effects of just 'spouting off'. Is that wrong? Should I worry? Should I just close my mouth and open a journal?
Fourteen.
1 year ago
9 comments:
Dear Jackie,
I have been reading your posts daily. I am so touched by your honesty. I think the world needs more honesty and authenticity. If it helps you to let it out then I say go for it. Besides, you are helping others too whether you are aware of it or not.
Colleen
Where is the post? POST IT!!!!!
I think your posts have been beautiful, hard to read, but it is how you feel and what your struggling through; so much of your true feelings! That is the therapeutic part, saying how you really honestly feel inside. If your worried about offending someone or sharing too much information, maybe it should be left a draft, or maybe it would allow others that you are close to you to help you even more with what your struggling through. I worried about one of my post's, about adoption. We were trying to adopt a family friend who had lost her mother in a car accident, and had no "legal" father, and some family stepped in and took her right out of her grandparents arms (who she was currently staying with) and away from us, and I worry that they could stumble upon it and read how certain family members really feel about them, I posted it anyways. I really don't care at this point if it hurts or offends them. They did an awful thing and hurt many people in the process, with no consideration, none! I am not trying to hurt them, just being honest with my feelings, and I think that is your goal to, just to be honest about how you feel.
If this blog is a place that helps you to heal, then write what you want to write. I've never seen anything on your blog the is the least bit offensive. When I read the sad posts, my heart goes out to you.
If it helps you -- write. We are here to read and send you good thoughts -- but it's your space. You shouldn't need to feel self conscious about what you post here.
Remember Jackie...this is YOUR blog...Xxx
You have to write for YOU, not for your readers. When you write for you then readers will come.
I got a little nervous when I started to have more religious types comment on my blog. I'm very spiritual, and very religious and really a flaming liberal that curses every once in a while. I'm one of those folks that just thinks that spirituality should be your own choice.
Anyway.....I don't want to change what I write, when I write or how I write to suit anybody when mine is a little journal for me. If I can't write what I want then I know I won't be motivated to do it at all.
Anyway- - long comment!!! I've popped in here and there after Bex posted for you and have been following your struggle and evolution. There are no words, but good thoughts and karma sent your way from the Midwest.
Healing vibes- - -Shannon
Jackie,
I just read this and wanted to say that I think you should write what you need to say. There is a certain comfort in blog writing that isnt there in journalling ... because its published, because other people can read, reflect and offer their support and love - even people, like me, that you don't know at all. I am amazed and inspired by your courage and your commitment to carrying on for your kids ... like Bex says this is YOUR BLOG so you need to write what works for you. Gypxy xx
I don't think you should feel constrained. I know that you say you've been self censoring, but there's not a word you've written that I have found hurt in for anyone apart from you. I tend to take the view, of most things, that those who love and value you will always understand motives and never think the worst and as a stranger, I do don't think anything ill of anything you say.
Again, if it helps you then I think you should continue, without guilt.
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