Sunday, May 18, 2008

nearing bottom?

I have strep throat. Like I've never had it before. I can barely talk....and the talking I can do is unintelligible. Damn it. It seems like everything is going wrong. I am so trying to not keep score but I can't figure out what lesson I am supposed to learn that I just haven't got yet. My new computer is having serious issues so if you don't see an update for awhile, that's why.
I have reached a period now that all I want to do is scream and cry. I know I wanted to do it before, but it's different. Before, it was pain and confusion and it's pure sadness. Nothing has worth. Nothing is worthy of anything. Only the kids. If it weren't for the kids, I don't know what I'd do somedays. Just sleep. Somedays, it's even hard to focus on the kids. I just want a break. A place to sit and cry and not have to worry that someone is going to fall or someone is hungry or someone is hitting someone else on the head with a metal truck.
I just want this to end. I want to go back in time where I was with Jeff and we were our little family. Or I want to go forward in time to know if he is still here. I miss him so fucking badly. I hate this so intensely and I don't understand it. How can he be gone?! Who am I without him? We were a team.....husband and wife. I knew him so I feel like I don't even know myself. My mom says that she feels like she's 'lost me'....I feel like I've lost me too. I feel like a shell with empty eye sockets.
At least nothing scares me anymore. It's all bullshit. This, all this, our lives, our wants, our dreams, our love, it's all temporary. We're but a 'flash in the pan'. We don't matter. It's hard to feel this way so intensely internally but when I go out, I have to live in the 'land of the living'. I feel like I have to pretend to care and want and feel. I don't feel. I don't see. I don't want.
The only things of importance are the kids. I don't want them to feel the burden of this pain and state of mind I'm in. I want them to have hope....even if it doesn't exist for me anymore. I just wish that I could sleep. The quiet state of sleep. I do have nightmares about Jeff but at least he's in them. I try to save him all over again. I try and it never works. I can never do it. But he's there. I can hold him one last time in my dreams. I can feel his face and smell him. He's there. And then he's gone all over again.
When I try to sleep, I do inventory of every part of his body. How his beard felt in my hands. The width of his hands. The way his eyebrow grew funny over his left eye. The shape of his calves. The callouses on the bottoms of his feet. The hair on his chest and the cheek he had to 'shave out' to make it look as if his beard didn't grow up the majority of his face (which it did). I just truly can't fathom my existence without him. I know this is all boring and repetitive for people reading this but I am so lost. I want him back. I want to hold his hands. I want to know he's with me. I know he'd tell me to 'get up' and 'calm down'. I know what he'd say, think and do. Does that mean he's 'with me'? Because it's not good enough.
I look at pictures of us together and I want to scream at myself, "You fucking idiot! It doesn't last! You look so smug and pleased and it's all shit!"
I can't handle other people's drama. I now hear they are beginning to complain that I haven't started to dole out Jeff's 'stuff'. I feel it's thought that I am sitting here going, "Bwa haa haa! No one is getting anything! It's all mine! Mine I say! Bwa haa haa!" I'm not. I am trying to remember to brush my teeth, feed the kids, hold my head up and not freak out. If they'd call me and ask. If they would have called me and told me how they were feeling, I would have tried to make her feel better. I would have worked something out. I would have found something of his for her until I am ready to go through it. I can't right now. I am savouring any stupid 'delusions' I have that he is still here and is going to need his tooth brush and boots where he left them.
Fuck! I hate it all!!!!!!!!!!! I don't want this crap. I don't want any of this. I want to be left alone and to lick my wounds and to not be judged or have drama inflicted upon our family. Everyone has an opinion. What I should or should not do. What 'we' were like. If it is as important being the second wife. How our age difference plays a part. Like it's some soap opera and not our lives.
Yes, I am his second wife. Does that mean we didn't love eachother in some fucked up way? Yes, I'm 13 years younger than Jeff. Does that mean we didn't mean the world to eachother? Yes, Jeff was stressed out before he died. We were having financial problems that we were dealing with as a couple. As a couple with two young children. It was something that happened. Something neither of us were happy about and we were trying to deal with it. It was our stuff. It wasn't something that was caused by either of us directly. Circumstances beyond our control for the most part. Deckhands driving the boat up on the rocks. Fishing declining. Jeff without work for six months. We hadn't told anyone because we were working it out.
I despise how Jeff's death has made other people believe they are the 'authority' on Jeff, our life, circumstances, etc.
I can't take it and I am so close to just doing what Jeff always tried to get me to do....Just say it. Just say what I am feeling. Screw everyone's feelings and dramas and do what I need to do. ....Problem is, without him around, it doesn't matter, does it.


Poppy & Mei said...

Could it be that your throat is trying to tell you something?
Maybe it's sore because you are pushing down all that emotion.
Maybe you could take Jeff's advice & "just say it"?
I know it sounds simplistic, it's just a thought...Xxx

Auntie Em said...

I'm so sorry you are going through this. While reading your post tonight, I felt compelled to share with you a book which might comfort you a bit. "A Severe Mercy" by Sheldon Vanauken is a sad, beautiful, and ultimately hopeful book, the memoir of a man who lost the love of his life while he was a young man, and the lessons he learned from it. I am praying for you.

13mimosa said...

I'm so sorry, I'm so pissed at the people, most probably people who think they're pretty close to you, are making life harder for you.

It's an ugly awful truth that there are a lot of people out there who love drama, thrive on it, love to be involved with it and although it's your life, your children, your world, your past and your future, some will see it as a drama to be involved in. The daily struggles, having to get out of bed, trying to find the strength to face each challenge without Jeff, they forget all that stuff, probably don't forget, don't even consider it. People who are pushing stupid questions on you don't tend to think, they just open their mouthes.

I don't know how you'll manage, how you'll survive, but I'm sure you will because you have to. It's the most god awful truth, there is no reason to it, it's not fair and you're left to deal with it. I am not religious, I don't believe in a God of any type and I can't find reason in crappy situations. Like your post a week or more ago, hoping there's something more, I can completely relate to that, but I can't even come close to understanding something that you're to believe in that's out there, that is better than here, if it denies you the company of the one you want the most.

That's off track, this is not about me, what I do or don't believe. I would hope that you can focus on those around you who offer you what you need, the kind of support that helps, and shut out those who are simply intruding on your grief. You have to think about reality too, I know, I hope someone you trust will help you with the financials, the stuff that's hard to face, but at the same time you have to stay well, you have to try from somewhere to look after you.

Kelsey said...

Beautifully said 13mimosa!!!
Focus in you and the kids sweetie, after all that is all that matters! That is all you have "control" over. I am very close to "saying it" with some family right now and it is never easy, but maybe if you get it out and no longer have that to listen to or deal with it will make life a little easier for you. The last thing you need to worry about right now is what anyone else wants or feels they should get.

about denise said...

Hi. I check in on you every day. I don't have any pearls of wisdom, and perhaps I am overstepping my boundaries by commenting on your blog, but I think you are amazing. Your first priority should be you and your lovely children. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for having your priorities in order.

Going Crunchy said...

There is no relationship without problems and issues. My husband and I have gone through the muck up and down as we survived a layoff, two babies back to back, keeping food on the table and roof over our head. It has been struggle at times, just to make it and stay together. What happens in "couples" is their own durn business - - it is just life that you guys were going through.

And the stuff? Folks were laying claim to my Dad's stuff before he even died!!!! I can't believe folks sometime. Keep everything that your heart desires for you and your children.