Wednesday, May 28, 2008

who's the bitch?

Will I ever be organized again? I used to pride myself in my abilities to do two or three tasks at once and complete the majority of the jobs I set out to finish each day. Our house was clean and non-gooey. I was creative and did a tonne of projects with the kids without losing it over ridiculously stupid minutae. I got frustrated occasionally but not....constantly.
Now....well, now things are messy. I can't complete things without losing some pertinent tool needed for the task only to find it later in some odd place like the freezer or my underwear drawer. I can't concentrate during phone calls and have lists of 'to-do's that don't get completed for weeks. The house is in disarray and I have a sneaky suspicion that it smells of dog...or chickens. I am a frothing spazzing mommy who loses it over such stupid stuff that this little voice in the back of my head is constantly saying to me, "She is only five. She's going to hate you when she's 13 because of this. Why does it matter that she speaks babytalk all the time? You can get sleep when she's older and over the trauma of Jeff's death. He'll stop nursing one day and you'll be able to sleep in the fetal position rather than like the statue thingy on the front of boats that has it's chest thrust out for easy access. He'll stop clinging to your leg and pulling your pants down at inopportune moments if you pick him up. Why are you such a freak? God, you're an awful mother. Jeff would be pissed if he could see you screaming at the kids for bringing the dogs up the stairs after a rain storm with muddy feet when you only shampooed the carpets last week....etc."
I am left wondering if I will ever be able to be the mom I want to be. If I'll ever be able to mow the lawn, put up shelves, take care of sick little ones in the middle of the night, deal with Jeff's company crap without being pissed at him for dying and leaving me to do this all by myself. He was the mentally stable one *snicker* and I needed him to be my 'rock'. I feel like a flaming lunatic. I want organization and sanity back. I want to be able to concentrate. I want to be able to have the drive to do all the projects I need to complete and not have a list that never seems to end.
Fuck, will it ever get better. Also, sorry for my potty mouth. It's another post-death side-effect that is unsavory, yet strangely satisfying. I always could swear like a sailor...but not when kids or grandparents were around...Now, they are just words. Words that seem to release some anger or frustration each time I say them. Is that weird?

6 comments:

Rachael said...

What a pain. I had the same reaction once and think I ended up having an injection. But what a lovely tummy you have!

Rachael said...

OK - I added my last comment to the wrong post. Sorry. You will get there, just hang in there. He will stop nursing oneday - he nees it more than ever and I am sure deep down, you do too. Do you have family close by? Ask for help when you need it - don't try and do it all alone. Get your visitors busy with the vacuum cleaner when they visit...

Anonymous said...

I've heard every word you've said here, and can't wait to catch up in person again very soon, but for now? Let me just say: I LOVE mowing lawns. I am serious. Let me freakishly take over your lawn mowing worries like a woman obsessed....

And did you get your garden in (like we talked about doing together???). If not, let's get at it. It's the perfect time to sow many things.

LOVE YOU.

Anonymous said...

Reading you blog seemed to encompass my day today too some how....Thanks for venting like I wish I could! Hang in there and try to take comfort in the quiet moments they need you...I think you probably need those moments too. It's ok if you can't do everything. They know you love them...

Victoria said...

She won't hate you, she'll understand all the more how amazing it was that you kept on and did all you did when everything was so fresh.

I agree with Rach's comment. Although it doesn't come naturally to me, ask for help when people come over - you know you wouldn't mind if someone asked it of you. I say, let Krista mow the lawn!

Anonymous said...

Remember to praise yourself for all the wonderful things you do aswell, and try not to be so hard on yourself. I think we are all harder on ourselves then anyone else. Hmmm I wonder why that is? I will be there in a heartbeat, just ask!