changes

Our lives change so quickly. I watched this morning as the backyard was transformed over half an hour. The fog burned off. The sun streamed onto the marsh. It's the same place, but the feel is different. I am different. Would Jeff notice a difference if he came home today? This pain and anger is part of me. But I am finding that the patience is returning. I am terrified of what the rest of my and the kids lives hold for us. Initially, I had written that nothing scared me anymore. Well, fear returns. How will I manage this by myself? I try to rein all of this in. I am trying to not focus on the negative influences in life. "Water off a duck's back", Jeff was fond of saying. I am trying. I am hoping that the postives that I am trying to infuse my life with will take hold and offer some hope. Will it ever be possible to learn how to make decisions and not feel tormented by them as only you can when you make them with your partner? I have lost my courage and confidence. But I am softer inside. More empathetic. More focused on what IS important.

I have been listening to a book on tape by Pema Chodron in the car. I am finding that it's helping. Not just the anger, but the fear. I am only half-way through the first disk but I like how calm I feel when I listen to it....Maybe it's the calm voice, rather than blasting Backyardigans at ear-shattering levels.