Thursday, September 11, 2008


Our lives change so quickly. I watched this morning as the backyard was transformed over half an hour. The fog burned off. The sun streamed onto the marsh. It's the same place, but the feel is different. I am different. Would Jeff notice a difference if he came home today? This pain and anger is part of me. But I am finding that the patience is returning. I am terrified of what the rest of my and the kids lives hold for us. Initially, I had written that nothing scared me anymore. Well, fear returns. How will I manage this by myself? I try to rein all of this in. I am trying to not focus on the negative influences in life. "Water off a duck's back", Jeff was fond of saying. I am trying. I am hoping that the postives that I am trying to infuse my life with will take hold and offer some hope. Will it ever be possible to learn how to make decisions and not feel tormented by them as only you can when you make them with your partner? I have lost my courage and confidence. But I am softer inside. More empathetic. More focused on what IS important.

I have been listening to a book on tape by Pema Chodron in the car. I am finding that it's helping. Not just the anger, but the fear. I am only half-way through the first disk but I like how calm I feel when I listen to it....Maybe it's the calm voice, rather than blasting Backyardigans at ear-shattering levels.


Jess said...

I came across your blog from reading Matt's... I want to start this by saying I think you are such an amazing person/photographer/crafter/artist/mom... I have started my own blog because after reading yours, it just seems like such a good way to express feelings (good & bad). I admire and also envy you for 1.) your creativity, 2) your trueness to yourself, 3)your strength, and so many other traits. I am a mother of two young children, and find that we have a lot of things in common. I love gardening, crafting, and being with my family. Your values are awesome... I totally envy you for being so true to yourself, and you are doing a great job of instilling the same qualities in your children. I am so sorry for your loss, I can not imagine going through that (especially with small children). I could go on and on.... I hope you take a look in the mirror and know that there are people out there like me who think you are just an amazing person. I love reading your posts, they make me laugh (fuckles is my favorite) and cry. And your crafts are so fucking cool!!! I am totally going to try to make those crowns for my kids!!! Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I can't wait to keep reading.

Kate said...

You've made it this far and I think you'll keep going. I think Jeff would be proud of you and we're all proud of you, too!